accomplising goals is a scary thing is it?

It's a scary thing accomplishing long term goals. Well perhaps the problem is that I didn't set my goals high enough. ANd here I thought my goals were too high because that's what everyone else told me. Here I am, still unable to write music on the guitar. I feel no inclination to even pick it up. ANd why? Well I think it is because I achieved what I had wanted to achieve and there was nothing left to chase. My goal was to reach a level of technicality close to the great tech death bands. ANd I did that. I wrote some crazy ass songs. I also wrote a lot of simple ambient songs. That was my goal though. I didn't want to be a "song writer" or a "recording artist," I really just wanted to be damn good so people could pay some attention to me and I could feel good about something I put a lot of work in to. And it felt good...everytime I showed a song to a friend of mine, they all reacted similarly telling me how sick it was or how other-worldly my playing was. Yes it was, because that was my goal. I didn't have anything left to achieve after that. I am scared because I don't know what it is going to feel like if I just give it up completely. I still don't know if that is somethign I can do. I am learning to do things out of self-discipline again because I had lost some of that...and that can lead up to getting back into music. As Jay Cutler said, The heart of a champion is one that is never satisfied. The problem with music is that, I became satisfied. It is true. Is this what satisfaction feels like? If so, I don't think I want to ever be satisfied in my life again. I want to be happy. When I am satisfied that means I am stagnant. While everyone needs down time and rest, changing and doing things are what's fun in life. Otherwise there is no point in living a life passed existence.

SO where does this leave me? Well, I am very much considering climbing my way back up to the top with music. I just want to do a little more planning before going for it. Two things I "regret" when I was playing and practicing was that I didn't play out enough and I never had a good way to record myself.

I've also learned to not tire myself out with excess thinking. That being said, I will be more able to dance, lift, and write more than ever before. And as a matter of fact, this blog will be used to get all my excess thoughts out. ALmost like a form of meditation. But this is more of a cleansing

Wow, I need and want to do a lot of work

OK, so there are a lot of things I want to work on that I feel would be highly beneficial to me. SO many things. It almost overwhelms me, but I believe I can do it all. Reading my brother's blog makes me so inspired almost all the time. I see him now blogging about some of his flaws or weaknesses and it makes me want to address mine as well. I've done this a lot in the past, but I want to revisit them so I can actively fix them and make myself a better person because there are still many things I feel I am missing socially, intelligently, organizationally, emotionally, mentally etc etc.


Here is one thing that has been such a limiting factor to me...I am too quiet in social situations and I "never know what to say." I also have trouble creating humor. Ugh. Now that I am passed my socially anxiety, I can analyze my behavior much more clearly. When someone makes a joke to me, part of me wants to laugh, part of me wants to not react at all, and part of me wants to say something funny in return and the other part of me can't figure out what to say back. WHy is this so important? Because humor can be just as uniting as anything else. It is a fundamental that brings us together. I am tense a lot of the time. I mean that is how I've grown up. It is beyond what drinking or smoking could fix. People say oh just have a few and relax, but it doesn't work like that. That's what so many people don;t understand and that's what I wish I could tell people, but at the same time it would probably just make them more disinterested in me. However, talking about it could help lead to a solution. Having grown up so tense, how can I just flip a switch and be so relaxed? That is probably the first step to cultivating my sense of humor. I feel like stress messes everything up. When I am stressed I am not in the mood for being funny at all. Anyway, back to my behaviors. When someone comes with a joke or a humorous statement, I basically just reply passively. Yes that's it. I am always passive. That is my problem. Why am I always passive? Well a lot of it has to do with the way I grew up. From having had social anxiety I did not develop much confidence in myself. Then I am thrown into situations that require that confidence and some days I have it and some days I don't. I actually do have it because I have spent years trying to improve myself on different levels.

It's weird though, when people joke with me, there are a few with whom I can joke back and my words are not just thought of as stupid, but are actually funny. I need to make that a lot more frequent...but I don't know how. Is humor a skill you can work on? If so, how? I don;t know where to begin to teach myself to be funny and humorous; nor do I know someone who can teach me.


I am going to take this paragraph from my brother's blog "Sureness:

Where do people get it? Where does it come from? Is it really as good as it seems? Is there such a thing as too much?

Some people seem to have this sureness. This conviction and strength. I find it incredibly admirable. I even have it occasionally. Mostly when I play music or teach.

Most of the time though, I have doubt. I think it is one of my better qualities. I'm the sort of person who when challenged backs down to pause and think. I seem to be able to agree with polar opposite sides of an argument or at least to feel why those things are right. I don't believe in absolute morality, yet neither do I believe completely in relative morality."

I feel that very much applies to me as well and I couldn't have said it better.

I need to get out and do more

Something I can't just wrap my head around...

It's not about the technicality, it's about the music. Or is it about both? WTF, I have been struggling with this concept for a very very long time. I've read stuff about a lot of musicians who had played their instrument for years, became virtuoso etc, and then just made some of the simplest music they could. I want the best of everything, but its so damn hard to obtain. I wanna make the best music, but I also want to develop the best technique and technicalities. At the moment, I told myself I want to play in a doom metal band so that I would not have a NEED to practice guitar. Why don't I want to practice guitar? Becuase I have done it for so many years already and it's not as fun as it used to be. That seems to be the biggest reason, the fact that it isn't so much fun anymore. But part of me just can't let go of the skill.

I take great pride in knowing that my technique is far greater than many other people's and that my technique actually impresses me.

What does that say about me? I take pride in knowing that I am good. I take pride in having ability.

now, is this a limiting perspective? It may be. It may lead to me putting too much pressure on myself and then not getting done what needs to be done. Or it could do the exact opposite. Ok, enough of what it COULD do...what DOES it do? I am not sure.

May be that is just an old wya of thinking and now that I am changing, I am afraid of it. Perhaps there are things I'm still insecure about which is why I want to keep to that kind of thinking

time line/exploration of worlds

analogy- FF worlds or something similar is symbolic of my passions/art/interests. So how do I play the game? Do I complete each stage/world when I get there or do I do a little bit, go to some others and then come back?


lemme try to map out a little timeline of my life at the moment

martial arts- completed, revisited a little bit later on
music/guitar- not finished but mostly "leveled up," still need to complete my dream of touring and playing in bands and recording

fitness- currently leveling up. Still need to go further and become a personal trainer and one day compete in bodybuilding

dance- just started leveling up much more to go

family/significant others- only slightly explored



ma= martial arts
M= music
F= fitness
f= family
-= where I want to be to be completely satisfied
age 22 age 30 age 60
------------------------------------------------======================= 9 years
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM-----------------------
3 years
FFFFFFFFF---------------------------------------

<1 year
DDD---------------------------------------------

<1 year
ff----------------------------------------------

feeling special...forget the passions*** pt 2

Well at this point, all I wanna do is interact with people. I feel like that would make me happy as opposed to having all these hobbies and passions to pursue. I feel like those are trying to fill up a void of self importance and self worth but it really isn't working. What would interacting with people really accomplish and fulfill that about myself? Well I would certainly have a new sense of self worth. People would then give value to me instead of me trying to work hard and show how "special" I am.

I think I don't feel special and that's why I am pursuing all these crazy hobbies and passions. I want to feel special! How does one feel special? Well let me see what I think makes someone special to me.

It is not about doing XYZ and ABC. I don't care, you can do all the shit you want. That will not make me think you're special. Someone special to me would possess these qualities:
*actively cares for others
*does not blindly follow society
*Sticks to their morals
*Don't feel the need to prove themselves to other people
*interested in the lives of others
*does nice things for people


I seem to be using hobbies or activities to make me feel good about myself.



In response to that original post, I really just like when people are nice and go out of their way to make a difference in someone's life, even a small one by just talking to them. I like when they are active in hobbies or sports and have interests. I am at the point where I don't need to be doing these "super amazing dreams" in order to feel special. People interacting with me kindly makes me feel special.

Fun has been sucked out of everything

I don't wanna write about this shit anymore...I don't wanna think about it. May be guitar playing is done, at least for now. Perhaps I'll pick it up one day again. I hate to look at it as anything more than fun, it ruins it. I am getting a little sick of dancing, taking that shit way too seriously. Going to class/rehearsal 3 days a week just so I KNOW the choreo. Fuck that. I'd rather be learning new choreo. I mean I am getting ready for a performance, but damn it's just stressful and I get tired of freakin thinking about it all the time. Where's the fun in that? What's the point of doing shit in life if it isn't fun. If it doesn't bring me joy/fun how will I become happy? I made these passions into something way beyond that. A way to try and prove and connect myself with others. Hey! Look! I can play guitar too, and I am ten times better than you. Umm who the hell cares??? I sure don't. If people have difficulty all that means is that to make it easy they just gotta practice.

I wanna be good at things and I want to do things for the fun of it. I don't want to make work out of all these things because then they lose their magic. So how do I achieve this? Well, I do have to practice, but I don't have to pressure myself to practice. I don't have to be perfect, unless I want to be, and I don't want to be. What is the point in being perfect? Someone might say wow that's amazing! OK? and?

So you know what? I'm gonna drop everything until I learn how to make them fun or I realize that I don't want to do them anymore.

Feeling special...forget the passions***

Well at this point, all I wanna do is interact with people. I feel like that would make me happy as opposed to having all these hobbies and passions to pursue. I feel like those are trying to fill up a void of self importance and self worth but it really isn't working. What would interacting with people really accomplish and fulfill that about myself? Well I would certainly have a new sense of self worth. People would then give value to me instead of me trying to work hard and show how "special" I am.

I think I don't feel special and that's why I am pursuing all these crazy hobbies and passions. I want to feel special! How does one feel special? Well let me see what I think makes someone special to me.

It is not about doing XYZ and ABC. I don't care, you can do all the shit you want. That will not make me think you're special. Someone special to me would possess these qualities:
*actively cares for others
*does not blindly follow society
*Sticks to their morals
*Don't feel the need to prove themselves to other people
*interested in the lives of others
*does nice things for people


I seem to be using hobbies or activities to make me feel good about myself.