A letter to my future self November 2010- June 2011

dear future self
I have gotten depressed a lot in the past and there was a time when I didn't get depressed at all. It came back to me, however. I think the solution is to change things and do things. How do you feel about that now? What is life like without depression? Am I still self absorbed? How much have I branched out and where do I want to be in the next year? What new music is in my life and what new people do I know. What have I learned? Please tell me it is not all bad. What are the three things I value most? Am I patient anymore? Remember, these are just words! We were put here on this earth to feel joy.



Dear past self
I definitely feel the solution to depression is to change things and do things. Depression has still come and gone but that is because things are truly bothering me, like not having a job. It really limits me. I find depression comes in three different ways. One- being bored. Two- being chronically stressed. Three- not doing what I want. Sometimes I am legitimately bored, which is something I am trying to work on. I have been chronically stressed a little bit. I am not doing all the things that I want to. I am actually not really depressed at the moment, but I have learned that's when these things come; and I have lived in depressionless-times.

I am definitely still self absorbed...in some respect. BBing, practicing music, etc have been selfish. There is definitely sacrifice that comes with hard work and dedication. However, I have been developing to the point where I don't want to be self absorbed anymore. I want to share myself with others and have them interact and love me for that. My life is all about love and being loved now. I think I finally figured it out....I think that is what life's about.

I have branched out quite a bit, but not enough. I have gotten deep into dance (but am taking a break), I have started a band and have come very far on guitar and with bodybuilding. I am starting to take an interest in modeling. I am learning to be more relaxed and happy in social situations. Imagine that?! remember when I was socially anxious?? Yea I do too. I hate that and never want to feel that way again.

The new music in my life....well I have an appreciation for noise, I love salsa and bachata and hispanic music, and post rock. I am not moving very much musically anymore because I have invested so much time into it. However, it is what I know and am familiar with.

I have learned many things. Slow and steady wins the race! but don't be afraid to push yourself. If you think you are working hard just know that there is someone else in the world who is at least one step ahead of you. Always try to stay balanced. Plan things, but don;t be afraid to deviate from the plans and improvise and just act on impulse. Use all resources. Don't only plan, don't only act impulsively. Do everything. Enjoy being yourself.

Life really ain't that bad. I need to do some more things to make it really good honestly. But it isn't bad

The three things value most?? I rarely consider what I value. Hmmm...First would be my friends. They have helped me out tremendously and there's so much that I owe them. They are some amazing people. Second on the list would be love. I value love the most out of anything I think. Third...I don't know beyond that. That was a difficult question though!

These are just words. We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy.

I want to be famous and I want to live somewhere else

I would be almost content doing the things I love to do, BBing, music, art, modeling, dancing, socializing, but there would be something that I am missing. Could it be fame?? May be not world-wide fame but I would like to be famous. If I am famous that means it is easy to reach other to other people. I want contact and interaction between me and others to come easily. I want that. I am not sure why. Something about it appeals to me.

I have been getting this random urge from time to time about moving/living outside of ny and/or outside of the US. I can think of many reasons why I would enjoy it, but I can't figure out what where this desire is coming from. I knew where the desire came from with bbing, music, dancing...but for living somewhere else, I don't know. Might just be tired of this environment. I don't know. Once I get serious income it will become a real goal of mine and I will also start researching about other places.

Slowly but surely I am arranging this gigantic puzzle in my head. I have a rather clear idea of what I want but it isn't quite complete. I need to EXPERIENCE more. I need to EXPERIENCE MORE. MORE. Experience. Think about it....!

from helplessness to love

From Helplessness to love




For years and years I have tried my best. I knew the definition of hard work. All I did was work towards my goals. At the end of the day, when I was done chasing the sun I realized I had been chasing the wrong person, the wrong thing, the wrong activity, the wrong goal. Had my whole life been a waste? A COMPLETE waste? Can you really comprehend that? All 21 years of my life a waste….Where do I go from here, my life is damaged unconditionally. I hadn’t found my true love, I hadn’t found what made me happy…all I found were arbitrary ideals that I held high, higher than everyone else. Higher than nature, higher than beauty, higher than interaction, connection, love, and you. My life has been a waste and my god does it feel like I don’t ever want to live again. I used to think there was no hope until that spark flew through my brain and slowly lifted me up from my submissive position. The spark showed me something that I wish to show you. A new insight, a new knowledge, a new key to HAPPINESS! Can you believe that? I want to show you that happiness is real and that if you come with me, hold my hand, and be with me you too can be happy! Imagine that? We can both be happy with each other’s happiness. I don’t use the word happy lightly. I know what true happiness is. Please don’t you believe me? No? Why not? I thought you said you trusted me!!!! Well, you don’t want to come with me, you don’t want to hold my hand and be close to me, you don’t want to be happy with me. That’s fine. I know that will make me happy one day, but that day is not today. Today is the day where I realized what true love is…

I love myself and my life. Yes the life that I wasted. Yes the life that made me miserable. I love that I had to go through such a long and agonizing journey to really figure out how to be happy. And the secret to happiness is to JUST BE. Be yourself, and live, and say the things you want to say, do the things you want to do, love the things you want to love regardless of if they love you back. Love yourself and love life. It is ok. You will be ok. I will be ok.

This picture is the moment in which that spark lit up the rest of my mind. When EVERYTHING was pitch black and nothing could be seen

Goals goals goals

well aside from my terrible living situation and getting out of that, let's see where my goals are headed. I no longer want to be a pro bodybuilder, but I want to be bodybuilder. I no longer want to be a pro dancer, but I want to be a dancer. Do I still want to make it in a band? I think so. I at least want to play shows. I would definitely be satisfied with that. I would LOVE to tour. However, do I NEED to tour? I am not sure. After accomplish that what will I do? Well, dancing, bodybuilding, modeling, and art in general are just things that I love to do and I will always do. So what then is my true goal in life. "My purpose is to embody the expression of love from one another through sound, movement, pleasure, contact, and connection." Ok, that is what will make me happy! I have got the sound portion down, the movement and physical portion down. I need to get the charismatic/social aspect of that down....Then will I be happy? Will that be it? Keep doing that? In essence, to share what I love with someone who loves it like I do. So love will make me happy in life. My goal is to find "true love." I have most of the ground-work taken care of. I mainly need to focus on presentation, knowledge, and charisma. Gaining knowledge will easily lay the foundation out for charisma which in turn will flow into presentation. Simple formula. So I will focus on gaining knowledge.

New people New things

I don't want to keep doing the same cyclical patterns. I want to go out and do different things and meet new people. Once I get money I will do this.

Goals and bodyart

Recently I have taken a break from all my passions and art. This is the very first time that I did so with ease. I finally let it come. It definitely benefitted me and from doing so, new goals are starting to form. I now have specific bodybuilding goals and music goals/projects are starting to form/ In addition I want to start exploring the world of body art and modeling. Sometimes I have to do things a couple of times before they really click. I do bodybulding poses all of the time and its because I have a strong fascination with human anatomy and I am finally realizing this/am not afraid to express it. Lately I've been looking at a lot of nude art because it excites me. Theres so much beauty being everyone yet society keeps us covered all the time. I would like to explore the uncovered art of the human body. I talked about how happiness lowered shields and made us vulnerable and open, well so does being naked. Is this connection a coincidence? I don't think so. I want to explore the uncovered art of the body in the form of modeling and movement (dancing).

Balance and the application of my art

I am truly realizing that I need to be balanced. When I am balanced I feel relaxed and at ease. Being balanced can mean a lot of different tings that can be applied in many ways. The important thing about balance is that it keeps everything special and fresh. I have too many interests because the world is so vast. How can I devote myself o one or two things? I know some people can but that is not me. Balance is strong but not overwhelming and it is the gateway to the rest of the world...literally