All I wanna do is love
fuck the world and responsibilities
all work and no play makes me- oh wait
I love to work and I love to play
I love the world I'm here to stay

Im looking for the magic bullet
one way ticket so I say fuck it
to fame and glory- what we want
and baby then I'll have you all for me

but thats how you say


everybodys expectin me
everybodys timing me and stalking me
taunting me, pushing me

**Betrayal

I really dislike people who don't use integrity and who go back on their word. People who give things and then take em back. That is one of the themes I wish to write about.

mourning day

it seems the fall/winter season will always be a sad/depressing time. I wanna record the days in which I feel depressed/mournful to see if I can find a pattern and perhaps figure something out about it

Turning tables******

Well, it comes as a surprise to many people, the fact that I am exploring and liking pop music. Does it surprise me? Not really. Perhaps it is a little unexpected, but knowing about myself makes me realize that it makes sense. I am discovering everything I wanted to be a part of in my teenage years that I wasn't. Dance, pop music, rap, style, and a stronger grasp on culture in general. It's all slowly coming together. That doesn't mean that my previous beliefs and strongholds are going away, they are just as strong as they were, if not, stronger. If anything I am just adding more to my repertoire of life. With that beings said, I am getting SO many artistic ideas for myself. I realized I needed to expand my stylistic horizons so that if I get bored of one style, I can just focus on another one and not have to take some incredible downtime from it.

I am starting to become VERY inspired by pop/rnb music as well as folk. I want to be surrounded by many aspects of music and culture. There are things I like about everything, but if I focus only on one- it will becomes stale to me because nothing is perfect. So at the very least, having multiple things to focus on can help alleviate that realization. 2 of my biggest influences right now are Adele and Jessie J, and I am totally looking for more. One thing I like about pop music is that it has positive messages and vibes, despite a lot of sad love songs you hear, a lot of it seems to be about moving on, being yourself, and enjoying life- ideas that I strongly believe in.

So let me tell about my music ideas I am getting. I want to be a pop artist- to an extent. I don't want to be a pop artist on the top 10 billboards, but I want to play and write that kind of music. I do like fame and popularity, but I don't want it to be overwhelming. I more so want it to be an even balance. The avant garde and udnerground music I am into is on the exact opposite side of the spectrum, so exploring both sides of the spectrum will land me in the middle. I remember a while back I had been troubled about including multiple genres under one project/album, but a friend of mine told me that I should do it all on one and just be me. I almost completely agree with that now. After having heard Jessie J's album Who You Are, I noticed that she did incorporate quite a few different styles of music on it. I want to do something like that. As far as the pop style goes, I want to make some changes to how the style is played. I want more focus on instrumentals and ornamentation. I also want some darker parts- kind of like adele but with a darkish jazzy feel to it, as well as some ambient-esque parts. Once I get the money, I will start singing lessons and then will be ready to truly start writing pop-ish songs.

Anyway, along with this, I want to get Monolithic back together, and assuming Eston is on board with it, I will do it. Then my legacy will start establishing. I will be a dancer, bodybuilder, singer, musician, songwriter, and a diverse entity. I don't want to just be an artist that only a select few care about. I want to appeal to a lot of people- but not an extreme amount of people. That is why I want to do a lot of different things and be involved in a lot of different styles.

purpose/perfection ***

A most interesting thing is this desire for purpose, this thirst for perfection arises in mind once you stop having fun in life. Maybe that is what happened with guitar playing.

Played guitar the other day**

I played Ricky's guitar a couple days ago, and wow I can still play I wasn't expecting that, not after three months of not playing. One thing that was really apparent is that in order to play well, I have to put in the ENERGY to do so. That makes such a huge difference. I am realizing largely what I want to play. I don't want to play a tech death style. I just wanna play music that is powerful but also that you can lay back to. The first Monolithic song is a prime example. It doesn't have to be dark, it just has to be good and not over fluffed, and not over simplified. Just have some balance. I used to have all these crazy and creative ideas, like combining charles mingus, with metallica's S&M with technical death metal with ambience. But that really is not my goal. Sure those ideas would be INSANE, but I am not making music to show people how creative I can be. Anyone can think of these ideas. I just wanna make music that's simple and fun to play. Again, it really isn't that serious.

The less I think about goals the more focused I become? ********

It seems like spending time thinking about and being into different things other than music helps. It seems that not thinking about music helps too. I also can't constantly think about one art form because that starts to destroy it, however I must realize that this isn't a bad thing. It's hard to realize that by focusing on something else the other things will come into play. They are all synergistic. There are so many different things to do that reflect my moods, but I can not be 100 different moods at once/constantly. There are only certain times when I feel like doing x or y or z.

I have to balance things not only physically but mentally too. It's easy to just separate the physical aspects of activities but to stop thinking about them is harder. Thoughts wander effortlessly so they come and go easily and frequently. I am learning again that everything in my life is a balance. Well besides happiness:sadness- that's more like 85:15 ration. However, I like to do a lot, and then not do a lot. I have been very extreme about it in the past, and I think I am realizing I shouldn't be so extreme about it.