An Ethereal Guitarist's Path

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Wow, I need and want to do a lot of work

OK, so there are a lot of things I want to work on that I feel would be highly beneficial to me. SO many things. It almost overwhelms me, but I believe I can do it all. Reading my brother's blog makes me so inspired almost all the time. I see him now blogging about some of his flaws or weaknesses and it makes me want to address mine as well. I've done this a lot in the past, but I want to revisit them so I can actively fix them and make myself a better person because there are still many things I feel I am missing socially, intelligently, organizationally, emotionally, mentally etc etc.

Here is one thing that has been such a limiting factor to me...I am too quiet in social situations and I "never know what to say." I also have trouble creating humor. Ugh. Now that I am passed my socially anxiety, I can analyze my behavior much more clearly. When someone makes a joke to me, part of me wants to laugh, part of me wants to not react at all, and part of me wants to say something funny in return and the other part of me can't figure out what to say back. WHy is this so important? Because humor can be just as uniting as anything else. It is a fundamental that brings us together. I am tense a lot of the time. I mean that is how I've grown up. It is beyond what drinking or smoking could fix. People say oh just have a few and relax, but it doesn't work like that. That's what so many people don;t understand and that's what I wish I could tell people, but at the same time it would probably just make them more disinterested in me. However, talking about it could help lead to a solution. Having grown up so tense, how can I just flip a switch and be so relaxed? That is probably the first step to cultivating my sense of humor. I feel like stress messes everything up. When I am stressed I am not in the mood for being funny at all. Anyway, back to my behaviors. When someone comes with a joke or a humorous statement, I basically just reply passively. Yes that's it. I am always passive. That is my problem. Why am I always passive? Well a lot of it has to do with the way I grew up. From having had social anxiety I did not develop much confidence in myself. Then I am thrown into situations that require that confidence and some days I have it and some days I don't. I actually do have it because I have spent years trying to improve myself on different levels.

It's weird though, when people joke with me, there are a few with whom I can joke back and my words are not just thought of as stupid, but are actually funny. I need to make that a lot more frequent...but I don't know how. Is humor a skill you can work on? If so, how? I don;t know where to begin to teach myself to be funny and humorous; nor do I know someone who can teach me.

I am going to take this paragraph from my brother's blog "Sureness:

Where do people get it? Where does it come from? Is it really as good as it seems? Is there such a thing as too much?

Some people seem to have this sureness. This conviction and strength. I find it incredibly admirable. I even have it occasionally. Mostly when I play music or teach.

Most of the time though, I have doubt. I think it is one of my better qualities. I'm the sort of person who when challenged backs down to pause and think. I seem to be able to agree with polar opposite sides of an argument or at least to feel why those things are right. I don't believe in absolute morality, yet neither do I believe completely in relative morality."

I feel that very much applies to me as well and I couldn't have said it better.

I need to get out and do more