An Ethereal Guitarist's Path

Friday, June 10, 2011

New music/art project coming

Ok, so I recently traded my guitar for a bass for a few days and now that I started playing again, I got incredibly "inspired." I put inspired in quotes because nothing in particular drove me to write at that moment, I just felt like playing and did and came up with something quite cool. I have been listening to a lot of video game music. Mostly final fantasy 7 and 9, silent hill, and suikoden. Those are my biggest inspirations at the moment and the music I am writing will basically sound like those. This is an area of music ive been wanting to explore for a long time but never had the ear for it. Well I think it is coming together now.

My idea is to make an album that has a script behind it so that the story can be illustrated and come to life in different mediums. I find that writing singles is usually not enough for me and then even writing an album is not enough for me. I really want to go beyond the norm for releasing music. I am not a musician I am an artist, and I want to share my ideas with other artists as well and hopefully they can contribute and add to them. The script will be about fictional characters, the main character will be based off of me. The main character will go through life ready to take on the world and explore and go through his own journey. He will realize what love is and what he truly desires after many lengthy puzzling times and even some hard times. I am not sure where the conclusion is headed quite yet, but basically it's about me after "the beckoning lake" chapter of my life which shows all my confusion and chaos amongst social anxiety, stress, tension, and getting through that. Now I am basically picking up where I left off.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Forgotten love

I just watched a movie called Cashback which got my brain working again. It reminded me of love. I forgot what love was, I forgot how important love is. Love is what drives a human being whether it is towards a girl, goal, or any other mission. I think part of my fascination for bodybuilding comes from the love of the human body in its physical sense. I also have a love for the female body which is something I have been wanting to explore in an artistic sense but am not sure how. When I picked up drawing that was the first and only thing I really wanted to draw, but that was a year ago. I don't think drawing is for me. Love for ________ is what drives me to make music. Have I forgotten why I started to write music in the first place? Have I never known? What is it that I love that keeps me drawn to it? I think I need to figure that out at this moment. I know I also love connecting with people in many/all ways. I feel that is true love. And then the true love can be broken down into different types of love, but in the end it is all love.

I am also noticing phases in my life and how my art has played a role. Music has helped me overcome social anxiety, BBing has helped me overcome a lack of confidence and power, dancing has helped me overcome...well I'm not sure yet, but it is fun! I feel like every so often something new is going to come about and change me for the better. It seems to be happening in cycles. This is why I love art, and it is only until the day that I die that it will all be completed. That is the only time someone can truly see me for who I was.

I feel that I dream too much sometimes. When I dream too much the dreams keep changing into something else until they become very skewed. I need to realize my long term and short term dreams, write them down, and repeat them to myself daily. I need to get my dreams back because I have either lost touch with them or never achieved them in the first place. That is where my lack of decision has been coming from lately. this is why it is important to have goals.

things to brainstorm
-why I love music
-new art to pursue
-what are my dreams

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Who am I?


Lol, but enough of that. I just gotta follow what I want to follow. It's that simple and I am trying to figure out what to do in the near future. I think the music thing will take a rest, but I will be practicing a bit; maybe an hour per day. I think I will do some planning musically speaking and then put it to action when I am ready, maybe in a month or so?

I have bodybuilding goals at the moment and that is what I want to focus on. I really want to get big more than anything. First things first I need to get my life in order and it should be fine in a month. So let's fast forward. Aside from my bbing goals, what do I want to do?

Well the main thing is, I want new friends and I really want a girlfriend. However, if I don't have those I should occupy myself with other things/ I've dont that in the past and it was definitely a good idea, however I did that with guitar playing. I think I want something new to try out or balance a couple of things. I think I am done with focusing ALL my time into a skill or craft. Ad nauseum. I will be brainstorming some topics/ideas for a few days at least

Monday, June 6, 2011

before the vision

Oh, God, am I going crazy
What is happening to me, I need some answers
I've been chosen by the darkest force in nature
But why, why me?

Call of the spirits:
Go now, into the plains
Seek out, the answers you'll find
Visions will be shown to you
At night by the lit desert moon

Be strong, ride forth in pride
Our destiny, lies in your hands
Visions will be shown to you
You're truly his chosen one

This is the path that I chose

willingness to learn does not mean willingness to submit to the ideas of others. On the contrary one should be strong about what they are learning and truly see the knowledge/wisdom as it is, and not in a submissive state nor a dominant state.

Feeling and believing others know more or better than I....That has been my mistake. WHy is this a mistake? Because my thoughts stop focusing on what I REALLY want. Sure I can say what I want when people ask me questions, and I can say what I want in the face of a crowd, and say what I want in different situations. But only one of those situations is correct. That is when I ask myself what I want.

I know what my music means. It is the first of many things to complete me. I have fulfilled and expressed myself beyond a limit I thought imaginable. It's not about liking the music, writing good music, writing bad music. It's about writing what I write because that will help me figure out the important things about myself and in life. It ain't about being a musician, an artist, a this a that. It's about expressing myself and learning. Who gives a fuck if you make the coolest music? The weirdest art piece, the avant garde. Why does that shit matter? To fulfill an ego? Well for some its just the way they want to go and don't know any other way. I however am different. There are many ways in which I still want to express myself. My music was a push in the right direction. However, the road in which I am on may not be what others would expect. They expect me to follow the norms that are perceived as odd, weird, deviant etc. What they don't expect is that I follow myself. The path that I chose. Not what they chose.

All my friends tell me I should not quit music, I should keep going, I should I should I should. I should never give up my guitar, look at what I have done with it, look at what I am doing with music....Yea not satisfying myself. I am making an ultimatum nor am I saying I will quit anything. They say these things because they are my friends. They are trying to tell me what they would do based on the limited knowledge they actually have about my personal life. However, that is what is different between a person and a friend. That's why it is a relationship. It is not an EQUILIBRIUM

For this I thank my friends, for them trying to show their support. However, it may end up being the wrong kind of support. Let me explain something. I am a man of balance. Strength and Balance are my two grounding points. They are what create my equilibrium. That is what I do know. I have done music non stop for 9 years. Is that balanced? Is that strong? That is strong. Very strong. So where do I go from here? I need to balance it out. I have been working on that by bodybuilding, but it is not quite there. I still need more. I am the kind of person that gets bored doing the same things over and over again. In music I feel that's all I'm doing. Expressing myself in the same way over and over again, in cyclical nature. And I am willing to bet the same thing will happen with bodybuilding, but you never know. Aside from the sport/art aspect of it there's the well being part that will ALWAYS appeal to me. I think a crazy person is someone who can do the same thing day in and day out and not go insane, hehe. Music has been a stepping stone to me and this is how I identify it as one. The whole reason I really started music was because of my social anxiety. So in effect I created this relationship with music. It wasn't necessarily EXACTLY what I wanted but it was great and the sex was amazing haha. Social anxiety stopped me from expressing myself in many different ways. THIS is why my future has been so clouded. I felt the need to do things and express myself, but I never did except through music because I couldn't face anything else. The desire was always there. It was never acted upon. It was suppressed for 20 fucking years. Can any of you really understand this? All actions and desires you want to do you did NOT do for the first 20 years of your life. 20 years. You know how much I missed out on? You see why I can't devote myself to one fucking thing in my life? It's not a matter of catching up for lost time, but it is a matter of going on an expedition to all the other continents. It's as if I traveled to Europe and stayed in 5 different countries, and everyone likes me and I like them and we had great times. And then I really want to go somewhere else because that is all I wanted to do with myself in the first place. To travel and experience the world. Not to travel and experience 5 countries in Europe. Do you understand how crippling the social anxiety was? It was really like a prison. I had no way out of Europe. It was barred off by a forcefield, something keeping me there....nothing but fear. That's how my life has felt for 20/21 years of my life, and Im barely in my 21st year as it is. So anyway, I had this 9 year relationship with music because I was too afraid to do anything else or be someone else. For those who have been in a relationship for a long time, you know that it's hard to just let it go, forget about it, and in fact you probably never will completely. That is how I feel at the moment. I can't stay because I am obligated to, I can't pay it the attention I used to. Why? because I did that for a reason, to fight against fear, and now the fear is gone. All my music has been is a fight against fear. The social anxiety ate at me, and still left a few scars on me. My eyes have been obscured as well. Because of focusing only on music I have lost sight of everything else I wanted to do, everything else I dreamed of, everything else I COULD be dreaming of. That is why I feel lost at the moment. It's like having a blackness all about your mind, and being unable to see. Then suddenly you break through that blackness and in front of you is the bright sun and the rest of the world that you have been missing. Where do you go first???? WHERE DO YOU GO FIRST?!?!?! You will inevitably go somewhere, and I highly doubt you will go back to the blackness. The simple yet unfulfilled portion of life that "raised" you to be you.

This is why I am different from others and people don't really realize that. This is what I have a hard time explaining to everyone and yet it is also what some people seem to not be interested in hearing. No one understands why I go through what I do except for me, and if they did know the true extent of what I went through they would understand where I am coming from and why I am so indecisive and picky and what not. I never had the opportunity to experience anything except with a guitar in my hands. Can you imagine living in a world so restricted for so long, then finally battling HARD your way through, and getting to the other side of the wall? Once you are over that wall, it's time to get your way into the world. The wall was invisible, made of air, imaginary. And now on the other side, you see where everyone else is, you see the buildings, the streets, the places, the activities, the hauntings, the joys and beauties. You see it all. All you are equipped with is the knowledge of that of a fighter and that of fear. Where do you go, what do you do? EVERYONE WILL WANT TO KNOW, EVERYONE WILL ASK YOU CONSTANTLY, EVERYONE WILL TELL YOU CONSTANTLY because maybe that is how THEY got to this world. But did you listen to everyone else in order to get to the new world? No. You fought hard to break through the fucking wall. So now the question is....How will you learn? How will you be you?

Do or do not...there is not try