Something went wrong last night. To start things off, I was depressed before playing. It was slight depression, as in I was only feeling indifference. When it was time for my set, I played perhaps my most depressive piece, in a very concentrated and short format. I combined Nothing is discreet with My Favorite Things. I don't know what happened. The chemistry was amazing, but it amplified what I was feeling ten times. Something is very powerful within My Favorite Things. It projected my song in a new way. Once the open mic shit was over, I was feeling a lot shittier. Note to self: When depressed, don't play depressive pieces. The car ride home I was a wreck, having suicidal thoughts and what not. I don't know what did it to me. I think I unlocked something within me as I was playing. I tried listening to the recording of it, and that was really hard to do. It was one of the coldest and loneliest pieces I have ever heard. I am not scared of this feeling, but it is extreme and makes me think twice. I will however, continue onward.

I don't want to do my performance tonight either. I feel that I will feel just as shitty afterwards, but I will do it because I owe it for my friend, and it is a dick move to pull out this last minute. I will try to have fun, but I do not know what the future holds for me.

I like to be different from everyone else. I am not different just to be different, but I find I get more satisfaction and the right kind of satisfaction differently than everyone else.

Becoming

My latest song that I am working on for Anthro. is called Becoming. Right now it sounds fucking amazing, intense, chaotic, yet at the same time produces a meditative vibe. I am sure many are going to disagree. I can almost play all of it, but I still have a bit of work to do. I can probably play half the song and there are still a few sections which need to be added or re-worked. This song is sounding exactly how I had planned it too. When the second guitar part gets written it will just complete it. Next will be the vocals. I think I want the vocals to be less chaotic than everything else. I want the vocals to be mostly deep the whole time, perhaps some long drawn out growls and stuff. I feel like it will complement the feeling of the song well.

As for Undermind, I will be doing a bunch of recording soon. I played nothing is discreet a little today, and it sounds amazing and I know what I want t do with it. I want to make the song even more entrancing and make it really capture the listener. I have developed a way of playing so that i take my time on everything and really develop each part that is meant to be. The songs will sound nothing like the originals ones I recorded besides the fact that they are the same song. Once I get this initial recording of NID and the other songs for A Rare Moment Of Silence, i will start changing and improvising them like crazy

I simply am. A John Coltrane experience

February 13. It's been a day since I listened to this masterpiece. John Coltrane has a whole new meaning to me. I hate to sound cheesey in this waybecause I rarely believe in these sort of things, but last night has changed me. First, however, let me recall this dark enchanting night, then I will get back on track.

I was hanging with Dom for Miles Davis- death metal night. We were going to play 1 disc from the Cellar Door Sessions and one death metal album until it was complete. Well, we got through disc 1 and From Wisdom to Hate and by then he had downloaded Coltrane's Live in Japan. On this was a 57 minute version of My Favorite Things, which for those that don;'t know, is th eone theme that never seems to leave my head. I feel it is a part of me.It has been many months since I first heard it, and since then I have had it stuck in my head regularly. I do in fact obsess over it. It is powerful. Anyway, We took a 10 minute break and began the journey. It started out with a bass solo to introduce the song. Great Segway. Then Coltrane said hello and worked the theme. Then came the solos. This is when everyone spoke their minds. They communicated and reacted. it was there, everything! Unison, formation, transcendation. I became one with this experience. By this time the lights were turned off. I was happy, I felt like a part of me was being expressed as well. I closed my eyes from time to time. Each closing created a link between us all. Me, Dom, and Coltrane's band, the audience. I was there, inside the "music." I was one with the experience. The experience that was captured on a cd through the self proclaimed group. Once I was linked to this experience, they created, the visions started to flow. I have talked about these visions with friends. I visualize in my mind when interacting with music. these were by far the most vivid visuals I had ever seen. As if it was LSD induced, but it was totally natural. My mind was on a path, looking through the glass (time frame) that separated me from the group. Things were being unlocked in such a basic form. This is expression. This is what I mean when i call myself an artist. This is what I try to project. The music I heard was live in nearly every way. I heard, felt, saw, tasted, and smelled the intricate communicative expression from My Favorite Things. This spawned something new inside of me which will be discussed later.

It is said that Coltrane started to make the sax multiphnoic later on in his life. I could never believe such a thing, not until last night. I truly heard it. The sax was not a sax, it was the essence of being, of Coltrane's being.Coltrane broke through the sax. He projected himself through it causing it to erupt with all matter of his mind. i saw this. In a way, he beat the sax. It's as if all his life is was an enemy, it restricted his mind, but he overcame that and he restricted the saxophone. It was his essence of being. i won't even begin to describe his soloing any further for I fear my words are not grande enough, though this experience has changed me deeply...

I have an aim in life, not a purpose, but an aim. I was slowly coming to this conclusion, but this experience opened the portal within me to see that view. I can see myself. I can know that I want to go to a new level with what I do. That level is knowing myself. I have taken my first step in knowing myself. It has taken me 20 years. I see myself. That is my first stepping stone that has been uncovered. So, how has this changed me? Well, firstly, I have a greater understanding of myself. I also want to reach outside of my body. I want to project myself through my projects. I want to be felt and encapturing when performing. I want to shed my skin for it is just a layer covering what could be a soul (prior to this I never would have mentioned anything about a soul). I want to come alive with no restriction and only be limited by want, unwant, known and unknown. I am becoming one with myself and am realizing what it means to be (illustrated in various forms). From last night, I found out the true meaning of being and that it can be done. it has been done. That is the highest place of being. The ascension and expression. With this newly found knowledge, I am starting to become less and less responsive to the world outside of the relationship of my self knowing. I want to explore myself and my persona. I want to be and experience and absorbed by my self.

Death is a passage....perhaps thats where Coltrane decided to go

I want to fly to the outer edge of the gigantic cliff

and plummet downward.

Once I find what's there I will fly elsewhere and anywhere

my mind desires.

Pick me up to fly

one the backs of birds.

I desire to be.

I will one day learn to carry myself up as those before me did

I will transcend in snake form, slithering through

time

and manipulating my

every move to react, become one with and experience

the energy that cycles through my mind, body and the perception of space.

Space is a perception, symbolizing energy in vast forms

incomprehensible by the brain.

I will wail through the journey, traveling where no road can ever be thought of to go.

I will do more than transcend and realized and learn and express and do.

I will be.

At one within the timeless, concept-less cycle of energy/being, mind and body.

Disrupting no other, uniting with all others.

Like a bird on its way to the sun.

Or a snake on its way to the moon. I am beyond will and experience.

I simply am.

----------------------------------------------------

The Color of Mirrors. That is going to be the name to my second Album. Going back to what I said before about how I can see myself, I feel that's the perfect transition to starting this album. That is what I saw. I saw the color of my mirror. It was a blend of all that I described plus more! This will all be translated very soon as I already have 5 songs for the album