An Ethereal Guitarist's Path

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Fun has been sucked out of everything

I don't wanna write about this shit anymore...I don't wanna think about it. May be guitar playing is done, at least for now. Perhaps I'll pick it up one day again. I hate to look at it as anything more than fun, it ruins it. I am getting a little sick of dancing, taking that shit way too seriously. Going to class/rehearsal 3 days a week just so I KNOW the choreo. Fuck that. I'd rather be learning new choreo. I mean I am getting ready for a performance, but damn it's just stressful and I get tired of freakin thinking about it all the time. Where's the fun in that? What's the point of doing shit in life if it isn't fun. If it doesn't bring me joy/fun how will I become happy? I made these passions into something way beyond that. A way to try and prove and connect myself with others. Hey! Look! I can play guitar too, and I am ten times better than you. Umm who the hell cares??? I sure don't. If people have difficulty all that means is that to make it easy they just gotta practice.

I wanna be good at things and I want to do things for the fun of it. I don't want to make work out of all these things because then they lose their magic. So how do I achieve this? Well, I do have to practice, but I don't have to pressure myself to practice. I don't have to be perfect, unless I want to be, and I don't want to be. What is the point in being perfect? Someone might say wow that's amazing! OK? and?

So you know what? I'm gonna drop everything until I learn how to make them fun or I realize that I don't want to do them anymore.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Feeling special...forget the passions***

Well at this point, all I wanna do is interact with people. I feel like that would make me happy as opposed to having all these hobbies and passions to pursue. I feel like those are trying to fill up a void of self importance and self worth but it really isn't working. What would interacting with people really accomplish and fulfill that about myself? Well I would certainly have a new sense of self worth. People would then give value to me instead of me trying to work hard and show how "special" I am.

I think I don't feel special and that's why I am pursuing all these crazy hobbies and passions. I want to feel special! How does one feel special? Well let me see what I think makes someone special to me.

It is not about doing XYZ and ABC. I don't care, you can do all the shit you want. That will not make me think you're special. Someone special to me would possess these qualities:
*actively cares for others
*does not blindly follow society
*Sticks to their morals
*Don't feel the need to prove themselves to other people
*interested in the lives of others
*does nice things for people

I seem to be using hobbies or activities to make me feel good about myself.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

quitting, leaving some things behind?

I have excelled in:

martial arts- 7 years
guitar- 9 years
bodybuilding and fitness- 3 years
dancing <1year
singing <1year

I fully quit martial arts. I didn't really think twice about it. My interest in it dwindled and my parents allowed me to stop. Later on in life, I never regretted it. Sometimes I did feel like training though. Eventually I did it again for the fun of it. Perhaps my parents allowing me to quit messed me up a bit- in a sense. It made me realize that it is ok to quit things. It is ok, but is it what I want to do? May be, may be not, I was never conditioned to see things out through the end.

Guitaring has almost been quit and left behind. Sometimes I feel like it's a bad idea and sometimes I feel more at ease with it because I can focus on BBing or dancing a lot more. Sometimes it's nice to just not think about it and all the technical aspect of it. May be I will just keep going through different hobbies and what not. Is there only one time and place for everything?

How the hell do I juggle everything without getting stressed out or putting pressure on myself?

I don't feel like having any dreams...Off day?**

Ok, so right now I feel like I don't want to chase all my dreams and goals, and I just think whats the point, who cares? Why do I wanna be this top star or something super super amazing in what I do? Anyone can do it so does it really set me apart? no. Is this going to make me happy? I don't know. May be I should set my sights high but keep my goals short and sweet. I was talking to Frank and found out that he got a degree in electrical engineering, and he didn't even want to be a dancer/teacher, but it just happened

I can be a dancer, instructor, guitarist, martial artist, personal trianer, bodybuilder, powerlifter, but do I really want to be all those things? I feel sick of art. Even just listening to music again. I don't care about these bands that are out there. Ok, you made some cool songs and? What music used to do to me, it doesn't do anymore. Do I want to start focusing on academics now? Who knows. I don't care enough to try to impress people anymore. I can only definitely impress myself, and unless others know my whole story would they truly be impressed. And may be they wouldn't be because their story is ten times harder than me. Why Do I keep comparing myself to everyone, is that making me miserable? Maybe. I do admit I get jealous of other people and at least wanted to be where everyone else is at some point. I guess now that I am moving there I am not so sure I want to do that, because in reality it is not me or my perspective, it is them/theirs.

I still feel lost in this world. What do I want out of life?