Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The end
I have a tendency to start things and never finish them. Well finally I have finished this blog. I am hoping to one day publish this, perhaps if I actually do write an auto-biography. At the very least it is interesting to see the thought patterns of a confused and developing individual. While lots opf wisdom can be gained, I now see why so many people aren't interested in stuff like this. It is not that I am not interested, but I feel this is over-doing it. Things are the way they are and the mystery of life is part of the beauty. I am not saying to be ignorant, but mystery is comforting sometimes. Mystery is what brings life and change. I am not sure what my original idea for starting this in the first place was, but I don't have any need or want for this anymore. Having this blog causes me to think a little too much about myself and I tend to go in circles with my logic and thinking. I have learned a great deal about myself and about the skills I will need in life to be successful. Eventually, I may make an UnderMind blog, but who the hell knows when that will be. I'm sick of talking about all these ideas and they don't happen. I should go out and do things and then report about them. Anyway, too much thinking can lead to not being productive/assertive and I'm tired of dwelling on myself and ways to supposedly better myself. I am me. I want to get to know you. End of story. :)
Metallica and my role
I've been reading about the history of the band and more particularly James, Lars,Kirk, and Cliff. I am seeing parts of their personalities in me/ I think the 4 of them is worked amazing as a team, but my prob;em is what happens when you are one person harnessing their traits as opposed to being 4 separate entities combining everyone into one product. Not only that, but what metal music used to do in the 80s and to an extent still does was unit and bring together outcasts. I used to be one and metal music did bring new friends and opportunities with others "like me." Back when I was younger I was "different" and an outcast. Now that I'm 21, I have no desire to be different or an outcast. I want to be with more than just metalheads. I want to experience and be with other people. but I was not raised that way. So where does that leave me? What I am most familiar with is not a driving force in my life anymore. How do I interpret and get along with that; all the while having these 4 huge forces pulling at my limbs. May be theres one thing missing, The "head" if you will. The creation from all 4. I don't think its a coincidence Metallica has been my all time favorite band, motivator and in ways, best friend. Having been reading their bio, I possess similarities that they do/did. It's like they're all pulling against each other and still trying to sustain my sanity. I think the 4 need to start working together.
Lars- The brains/operator. If something needs to be done, he will rally up the band and go get it don.e He immerses himself in culture and is very aware of what others (bands) are doing and wants to expand and do it better
James- Main songwriter/co-operator. Has a lot of pent up emotion that drives his music. He is also well versed in what's going on around him. Very attitude drive.
Cliff- The nice guy and stability of the group. Sure of himself and has no need to prove his ego. Well versed in music and plays what and how he wants/ Educated.
Kirk- Nods his head and does what he is told. Diplomatic and supports the band with his expert technique and knowledge of music. Adds the flavor.
So I have these 4 personalities tugging at me and swarming inside of me. All 4 are confident, sure, and driven. So why aren't I? Now they need to work together to get done what needs to get done. Even if there is no clear-cut vision, work is work and it will still be building. That is what I am, a builder, more accurately, an architect, an artist.
Lars- The brains/operator. If something needs to be done, he will rally up the band and go get it don.e He immerses himself in culture and is very aware of what others (bands) are doing and wants to expand and do it better
James- Main songwriter/co-operator. Has a lot of pent up emotion that drives his music. He is also well versed in what's going on around him. Very attitude drive.
Cliff- The nice guy and stability of the group. Sure of himself and has no need to prove his ego. Well versed in music and plays what and how he wants/ Educated.
Kirk- Nods his head and does what he is told. Diplomatic and supports the band with his expert technique and knowledge of music. Adds the flavor.
So I have these 4 personalities tugging at me and swarming inside of me. All 4 are confident, sure, and driven. So why aren't I? Now they need to work together to get done what needs to get done. Even if there is no clear-cut vision, work is work and it will still be building. That is what I am, a builder, more accurately, an architect, an artist.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
A letter to my future self November 2010- June 2011
dear future self
I have gotten depressed a lot in the past and there was a time when I didn't get depressed at all. It came back to me, however. I think the solution is to change things and do things. How do you feel about that now? What is life like without depression? Am I still self absorbed? How much have I branched out and where do I want to be in the next year? What new music is in my life and what new people do I know. What have I learned? Please tell me it is not all bad. What are the three things I value most? Am I patient anymore? Remember, these are just words! We were put here on this earth to feel joy.
Dear past self
I definitely feel the solution to depression is to change things and do things. Depression has still come and gone but that is because things are truly bothering me, like not having a job. It really limits me. I find depression comes in three different ways. One- being bored. Two- being chronically stressed. Three- not doing what I want. Sometimes I am legitimately bored, which is something I am trying to work on. I have been chronically stressed a little bit. I am not doing all the things that I want to. I am actually not really depressed at the moment, but I have learned that's when these things come; and I have lived in depressionless-times.
I am definitely still self absorbed...in some respect. BBing, practicing music, etc have been selfish. There is definitely sacrifice that comes with hard work and dedication. However, I have been developing to the point where I don't want to be self absorbed anymore. I want to share myself with others and have them interact and love me for that. My life is all about love and being loved now. I think I finally figured it out....I think that is what life's about.
I have branched out quite a bit, but not enough. I have gotten deep into dance (but am taking a break), I have started a band and have come very far on guitar and with bodybuilding. I am starting to take an interest in modeling. I am learning to be more relaxed and happy in social situations. Imagine that?! remember when I was socially anxious?? Yea I do too. I hate that and never want to feel that way again.
The new music in my life....well I have an appreciation for noise, I love salsa and bachata and hispanic music, and post rock. I am not moving very much musically anymore because I have invested so much time into it. However, it is what I know and am familiar with.
I have learned many things. Slow and steady wins the race! but don't be afraid to push yourself. If you think you are working hard just know that there is someone else in the world who is at least one step ahead of you. Always try to stay balanced. Plan things, but don;t be afraid to deviate from the plans and improvise and just act on impulse. Use all resources. Don't only plan, don't only act impulsively. Do everything. Enjoy being yourself.
Life really ain't that bad. I need to do some more things to make it really good honestly. But it isn't bad
The three things value most?? I rarely consider what I value. Hmmm...First would be my friends. They have helped me out tremendously and there's so much that I owe them. They are some amazing people. Second on the list would be love. I value love the most out of anything I think. Third...I don't know beyond that. That was a difficult question though!
These are just words. We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy.
I have gotten depressed a lot in the past and there was a time when I didn't get depressed at all. It came back to me, however. I think the solution is to change things and do things. How do you feel about that now? What is life like without depression? Am I still self absorbed? How much have I branched out and where do I want to be in the next year? What new music is in my life and what new people do I know. What have I learned? Please tell me it is not all bad. What are the three things I value most? Am I patient anymore? Remember, these are just words! We were put here on this earth to feel joy.
Dear past self
I definitely feel the solution to depression is to change things and do things. Depression has still come and gone but that is because things are truly bothering me, like not having a job. It really limits me. I find depression comes in three different ways. One- being bored. Two- being chronically stressed. Three- not doing what I want. Sometimes I am legitimately bored, which is something I am trying to work on. I have been chronically stressed a little bit. I am not doing all the things that I want to. I am actually not really depressed at the moment, but I have learned that's when these things come; and I have lived in depressionless-times.
I am definitely still self absorbed...in some respect. BBing, practicing music, etc have been selfish. There is definitely sacrifice that comes with hard work and dedication. However, I have been developing to the point where I don't want to be self absorbed anymore. I want to share myself with others and have them interact and love me for that. My life is all about love and being loved now. I think I finally figured it out....I think that is what life's about.
I have branched out quite a bit, but not enough. I have gotten deep into dance (but am taking a break), I have started a band and have come very far on guitar and with bodybuilding. I am starting to take an interest in modeling. I am learning to be more relaxed and happy in social situations. Imagine that?! remember when I was socially anxious?? Yea I do too. I hate that and never want to feel that way again.
The new music in my life....well I have an appreciation for noise, I love salsa and bachata and hispanic music, and post rock. I am not moving very much musically anymore because I have invested so much time into it. However, it is what I know and am familiar with.
I have learned many things. Slow and steady wins the race! but don't be afraid to push yourself. If you think you are working hard just know that there is someone else in the world who is at least one step ahead of you. Always try to stay balanced. Plan things, but don;t be afraid to deviate from the plans and improvise and just act on impulse. Use all resources. Don't only plan, don't only act impulsively. Do everything. Enjoy being yourself.
Life really ain't that bad. I need to do some more things to make it really good honestly. But it isn't bad
The three things value most?? I rarely consider what I value. Hmmm...First would be my friends. They have helped me out tremendously and there's so much that I owe them. They are some amazing people. Second on the list would be love. I value love the most out of anything I think. Third...I don't know beyond that. That was a difficult question though!
These are just words. We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy.
I want to be famous and I want to live somewhere else
I would be almost content doing the things I love to do, BBing, music, art, modeling, dancing, socializing, but there would be something that I am missing. Could it be fame?? May be not world-wide fame but I would like to be famous. If I am famous that means it is easy to reach other to other people. I want contact and interaction between me and others to come easily. I want that. I am not sure why. Something about it appeals to me.
I have been getting this random urge from time to time about moving/living outside of ny and/or outside of the US. I can think of many reasons why I would enjoy it, but I can't figure out what where this desire is coming from. I knew where the desire came from with bbing, music, dancing...but for living somewhere else, I don't know. Might just be tired of this environment. I don't know. Once I get serious income it will become a real goal of mine and I will also start researching about other places.
Slowly but surely I am arranging this gigantic puzzle in my head. I have a rather clear idea of what I want but it isn't quite complete. I need to EXPERIENCE more. I need to EXPERIENCE MORE. MORE. Experience. Think about it....!
I have been getting this random urge from time to time about moving/living outside of ny and/or outside of the US. I can think of many reasons why I would enjoy it, but I can't figure out what where this desire is coming from. I knew where the desire came from with bbing, music, dancing...but for living somewhere else, I don't know. Might just be tired of this environment. I don't know. Once I get serious income it will become a real goal of mine and I will also start researching about other places.
Slowly but surely I am arranging this gigantic puzzle in my head. I have a rather clear idea of what I want but it isn't quite complete. I need to EXPERIENCE more. I need to EXPERIENCE MORE. MORE. Experience. Think about it....!
from helplessness to love
From Helplessness to love
For years and years I have tried my best. I knew the definition of hard work. All I did was work towards my goals. At the end of the day, when I was done chasing the sun I realized I had been chasing the wrong person, the wrong thing, the wrong activity, the wrong goal. Had my whole life been a waste? A COMPLETE waste? Can you really comprehend that? All 21 years of my life a waste….Where do I go from here, my life is damaged unconditionally. I hadn’t found my true love, I hadn’t found what made me happy…all I found were arbitrary ideals that I held high, higher than everyone else. Higher than nature, higher than beauty, higher than interaction, connection, love, and you. My life has been a waste and my god does it feel like I don’t ever want to live again. I used to think there was no hope until that spark flew through my brain and slowly lifted me up from my submissive position. The spark showed me something that I wish to show you. A new insight, a new knowledge, a new key to HAPPINESS! Can you believe that? I want to show you that happiness is real and that if you come with me, hold my hand, and be with me you too can be happy! Imagine that? We can both be happy with each other’s happiness. I don’t use the word happy lightly. I know what true happiness is. Please don’t you believe me? No? Why not? I thought you said you trusted me!!!! Well, you don’t want to come with me, you don’t want to hold my hand and be close to me, you don’t want to be happy with me. That’s fine. I know that will make me happy one day, but that day is not today. Today is the day where I realized what true love is…
I love myself and my life. Yes the life that I wasted. Yes the life that made me miserable. I love that I had to go through such a long and agonizing journey to really figure out how to be happy. And the secret to happiness is to JUST BE. Be yourself, and live, and say the things you want to say, do the things you want to do, love the things you want to love regardless of if they love you back. Love yourself and love life. It is ok. You will be ok. I will be ok.
This picture is the moment in which that spark lit up the rest of my mind. When EVERYTHING was pitch black and nothing could be seen
For years and years I have tried my best. I knew the definition of hard work. All I did was work towards my goals. At the end of the day, when I was done chasing the sun I realized I had been chasing the wrong person, the wrong thing, the wrong activity, the wrong goal. Had my whole life been a waste? A COMPLETE waste? Can you really comprehend that? All 21 years of my life a waste….Where do I go from here, my life is damaged unconditionally. I hadn’t found my true love, I hadn’t found what made me happy…all I found were arbitrary ideals that I held high, higher than everyone else. Higher than nature, higher than beauty, higher than interaction, connection, love, and you. My life has been a waste and my god does it feel like I don’t ever want to live again. I used to think there was no hope until that spark flew through my brain and slowly lifted me up from my submissive position. The spark showed me something that I wish to show you. A new insight, a new knowledge, a new key to HAPPINESS! Can you believe that? I want to show you that happiness is real and that if you come with me, hold my hand, and be with me you too can be happy! Imagine that? We can both be happy with each other’s happiness. I don’t use the word happy lightly. I know what true happiness is. Please don’t you believe me? No? Why not? I thought you said you trusted me!!!! Well, you don’t want to come with me, you don’t want to hold my hand and be close to me, you don’t want to be happy with me. That’s fine. I know that will make me happy one day, but that day is not today. Today is the day where I realized what true love is…
I love myself and my life. Yes the life that I wasted. Yes the life that made me miserable. I love that I had to go through such a long and agonizing journey to really figure out how to be happy. And the secret to happiness is to JUST BE. Be yourself, and live, and say the things you want to say, do the things you want to do, love the things you want to love regardless of if they love you back. Love yourself and love life. It is ok. You will be ok. I will be ok.
This picture is the moment in which that spark lit up the rest of my mind. When EVERYTHING was pitch black and nothing could be seen
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