Misunderstood, interpreting my feelings

Wow ok, so this whole state of confusion I was in was a long journey/phase in and of itself. I have learned quite a lot and I realized that playing guitar is my true calling. I know where I want to be technique-wise and playing/creativity-wise, and have always known that. I also have started developing a fresh and honest approach/perspective about the kind of music I want to be involved in and what I want my main goal to be focused on it. Watching the new HF demo videos of only Eston and one guitarist also gave me some insight. Simply put, I want to front a band that is a mixture of Anthromorphic, Monolithic, and Metallica. This in essence encompasses all of my influences in music. Each project stands strong on their own and is very much developed. They are all technical in their own ways but also very strong in the song writing. The tricky part is combining everything. The level I want to be at is improvising on stage at every/any show but having the rest of the band keeping the structure of it all. I feel as though this may actually be realistic because, not to get ahead of myself or go on a massive ego trip, but from what I have seen most people can not improvise at such a high level as I know I can and will achieve. While I love the technicality of interesting technical death metal, and the spacey ambient sounds that are associated with bands like WITTR I also love melodic/catchy/strong songs that Metallica plays. More often than not, technique and ambience tend to leave no room for "real" songs. If I can successfully blend these three things together I feel as thought I will have the ultimate band.


So I have learned that I MUST be patient with myself. I am learning a whole new meaning to the word patient, especially when it comes to goals and developing as a person. Yes it is good to push yourself above and beyond, but too much is too much. I am glad that I have gotten used to a strong work ethic and decent level of standard. Which brings me to my next point, holding too high standards is detrimental. The only standard that should ever be is to constantly get better and out-do yourself. If you are accomplishing that then you will eventually reach your best. If you try to do that too fast, then all you are doing is rushing and not giving things the room to come to fruition. These are the two mistakes I have made in the past and I have finally come to realize the severity of them as well as the repercussions they produce.

One last thing I have realized is that I do not need to second-guess myself usually. If I trusted myself in the first place and just said I needed a break from guitar, then I would not have encountered the confusion in this phase. But alas my energy had been diverted from the task at hand. I have learned to distinguish between needing to take time off and being uninspired as well. Both are two very different things. I can practice and force myself to do things when I am not inspired to do them, however, doing these things while NEEDING a break is a different story. Over-training is never a good idea.

Finally ok with where my life is heading?

Behavioral patters. What I'm noticing with myself is that I achieve a high level of expertise in something and then I move on to something new/ I think I am finally ok with that. I have always wanted to be involved in a lot of hobbies and now I realized that I can be. However, to keep everything consistent would be too much for anyone to really manage and I think that's why when I find something new, the old starts to dwindle. I don't think it's necessarily that I lose interest but more so that I lose the ability to properly manage it to the best of my ability. I think it'd be great to have a list of passions/accomplishments that I've done. May be this is really what I've been looking for.

So what have I got?

Martial arts- 6+ years
writing- 5+ years
Guitar/music- 9+ years

Bodybuilding- 2+ years
Dancing- 0+ years


Now that I look at it, I have been involved with something all my life and will probably until the day I die.

I want to be a star...

Have I always wanted to be a star?
I feel as though the answer is yes (and the fact that I can't say that with certainty shows unconfidence) and all my life I was too scared to admit that. Could this be why I want to be involved in so many art forms? Because I can't find one forte that will bring me where I want to be?

If being a star is what I want then how do I achieve that? I've come from a background that was far away from that sort of world. -- I was not blessed with that sort of skill set nor talents. Well, I have the talent, but have not honed it into skill during what appears to be a very critical part of development (preteens and beyond).

I have expressed that I want to be extremely outgoing, have lots of friends, play in bands, perform etc. But how much have I truly accomplished?

I get jealous when people have such amazing times out or are the center of attention. Yes! I love attention (good attention) and always have. I always admitted to myself but not to others and used to frown at attention whores and their behavior. I behaved in opposing ways to them and those thoughts have been ingrained in me. How dare I act like a "child" and try to get people to like me and pay me mind. However, its what I want, I want everyone to care about me, yet I act like I don't because I have conditioned myself to THINK (not believe) that way of thinking. I don't want to be someone who lives in their own world and never comes out, I don't want to be who I used to be. The closed, solitary, fragile, half-wit.
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I want to be that guy who is rewarded for pouring his heart and soul into what he loves
I want to be that guy that many girls want to be around
I want to be that guy who the "whole" world pays attention to
I want to be that guy who is humble yet popular
I want to be that guy that everyone wants to invite out
I want to be that guy that doesn't let people down
I want to be that guy that everyone can share their secrets with
I want to be that guy that people open up to
I want to be a friend to everyone
I want to be that guy that everyone loves
I want to be that guy you go to when you're sad, or depressed
I want to be that guy you can curl up into a ball with and feel ok
I want to be that guy that you count on
I want to be that guy that you ask favors from
I want to be that guy that helps you so much you feel like you owe him
I want to be that guy that can talk to anyone
I want to be that guy that makes people's eyes light up
I want to be that guy that you always hug
I want to be that guy that is always thankful of others
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That to me...is a star

Is this the key to happiness? I am really starting to believe being this person will make me happy. Do I really want to work so hard to get there?