ARGH! All I have to do, and should have done is be truthful to myself! I should have realized this. Writing in this blog just shows HOW MUCH really goes on in my head, but this isn't even a fraction of it either. I feel like I will go insane without art. If I could not project all these thoughts I have in some way I would be lost. THat's why I feel lost when I don't do art. Art gives direction. It is my blue print for life. Now the goal is to actually support that with a job/career. I have the foundations laid out for me.
So why the hell have I gone through all this shit in the passed few days? Simply-put, I forgot what was important to me. I forgot what held true value. It's not music, dancing, bodybuilding....it is concepts like truth/honesty, pride, ego, dedication, happiness, stress. Probably a few others to name as well. The only thing I have to worry about in life is forgetting what is important to me.
My next post will be about self awareness, acknowledging, and acting.
I will also be starting a self help/improvement book/blog or something of the sort. This time it will be as professional as I can make it as opposed to rambling.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
I dont want to create for myself
I have a blank piece of paper, yet feel no need to creatively write. I think I may have burned myself out and that almost makes me feel alive. It hurts and depresses me but the feeling is overwhelming. I have always wanted to "go somewhere" or "be somebody" and yet when I reach the pinnacle I lose all passion. Am I done with performing arts? How could I be done if I barely experienced it? What the hell would I do without them? My wholel ife I wanted to be unique, different, and better than others. My wholse life I wanted to impress others. My whole life I have battled to be free...now that I am free Im indifferent? I have no will or reason to fight anymore. I think that is was fueled my creativity and motivation. I had a need to become who I am. Now that I have, I am confused and don't know where music fits in to the equation.I really feel I just need a break, but why do I feel a need for break when opportunity arises (humanity falls)? I have no reason to fight for my freedom anymore. I am free, so now where do I go? What do I do? Who do I become.......
One thing I have figured out is that I don't want to make music for my own satisfaction anymore, and have very little if anything at all to express creatively
One thing I have figured out is that I don't want to make music for my own satisfaction anymore, and have very little if anything at all to express creatively
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Connection
What is it to create a deep "love connection" with someone? Connection is something I have talked a lot about in the past and I do feel that connecting with someone, especially on an intimate level is what love really is. The way to develop this intimate relation with someone is to completely strip your veils. Any kind of veils, mental, emotional, spiritual, even physical. the idea is to eliminate yourself of any falsehoods and self deceptions. Once these are stripped away, you are to talk about anything and everything. To share things you "normally wouldn't." After going from subject to subject, you will find things that make you uncomfortable to talk about and you can share those too. Why would you do that? Simply because that is how you will ever feel so safe with someone that you can ask anything and get an emotionally honest answer, and I stress anything. You cast away your veils when you have nothing else to hide. When the other person shares with you, you must accept them wholeheartedly/unconditionally and let them know. Keep your heart open and quietly observe unbiased.
Through this process, the most beautiful spectacle is formed. I feel there is nothing more powerful than becoming "one" with someone else. This is just one of many steps too. It's one thing I strive for in my life and wish that other people would too
Through this process, the most beautiful spectacle is formed. I feel there is nothing more powerful than becoming "one" with someone else. This is just one of many steps too. It's one thing I strive for in my life and wish that other people would too
New Beginnings? What is my purpose?
My purpose is to embody the expression of love from one another through sound, movement, pleasure, contact, and communication.
Now, where is this all coming from? I have been lost recently, which has probably happened as a result of many factors. However, I am on the path to getting myself back and realizing what it is that I love. I felt enlightened for a period of time, but that does not mean much if I don't take that and keep it and update it. I saw an exercise on a website that basically said to take 20 minutes (approximation of course) and write an answer to the question, "What is my purpose?" and keep writing answers until you find the one that makes you cry. That is what I did and I would like to copy what I wrote in just a minute. I did not find the answer that made me cry, because I know I am not going to cry from finding something like this out, especially because I believe I already knew it, but just forgot about it/lost it. After taking time to meditate I found the answer that truly resonated within me and the one that metaphorically made me cry. That answer was the above. Here is how my exercicse went:
What is my purpose in life?
to be
to become
to write beautiful music
to fulfill myself
to connect with others
to express happiness
to be strong
to be a great dancer
to bodybuild and look and feel sexy
I want to be free
I want to connect with the world
to transcend limitations
to evoke the emotions I feel from listening to music through writing my own
to be adaptable
to grow and surpass others
to share myself with others
to love myself and people
to actively love
to feel love
to feel arms holding me
to give myself up to someone
to dream, to live my dream
to create a world of happiness
to live in love with someone
to live in varying degrees of love with people
to be loved
to feel love, received and given
to become lost (as when I meditate with music) with a female
to share a blissful feeling of love with a woman
to physically experience how love feels and embody another person
to embody personal love
to seek love through sound, movement, pleasure, contact of another being as well as from within myself
My purpose is to embody the expression of love from one another through sound, movement, pleasure, contact, and connection.
I easily cut out all the superficial stuff rather quickly, all the things that bear no - little meaning. I started dealing with real words/concepts that I could feel strongly with. then I hit the central theme of love, and I very much want to love and be loved. However, the ways in which I want to be loved and love are what matters. From this exercise I have learned that my true passion/art/connection is love. My mediums are what I mentioned above, sound, movement, pleasure, contact, and connection. Now to make those more practical/rational we can separate and categorize them. Before I do that, however I want to just make a point, that this answer is nothing new or surprising. In fact it goes to deal with the very essence of every human soul. It is just specifically individual to me because I am the one that came up with the answer. All of these represent the 5 senses and the core of an individual...it also bridges the gap between 0 and 1. By that I mean without anyone, we are nothing, but when we are fully embodied by another, we are one (with that person). Thus the 5 senses are what hold us together. People are always looking to satisfy their senses. Beyond the need for survival, that is what comes next. Some of us like to do so in shocking contexts or some crazy method, but not everyone does. And many people want to please the senses in smaller easier ideas. So for me, it breaks down as so:
Sound- hear
movement- see
pleasure- taste/smell
contact- feel
connection- love
This formula should be applied to two or more people. For me specifically, I want someone who wants to fulfill all 5 senses in that way. These 5 senses are my mediums for art and creating. I have been thinking too strictly about my passions. I would think, what medium should I use to create music? Wrong. What medium should I use to please my (and others') sense of hearing? That is a much more definite and strong answer. Get the idea?
Sound- I want to produce music/sound that I and others enjoy. I want to enjoy the music/sound others create.
Movement- I want to produce visual art in some form (photography, dancing, drawing, painting, animation etc etc) that others can relate to and feel good about watching. In the same respect I want to watch things that make me feel good.
Pleasure- I want to taste and smell that which makes me aroused or gives me the feeling of being high other than from listening and watching. I want to experience this from others.
Contact- I want to feel the touch of other people in a way that shines on my self and body. I want to give the most endearing touch to others.
Connection- I want to love and be loved.
these I refer to as the 5 suns, and on a female or someone who I am greatly attracted to/in love with they are the 5 moons. These opposites attract and in the middle is the core of strength and balance. Sound familiar? Magnets, the earth. Life is formulaic. We all are part of a mold so it is just a matter of filling the mold to our liking. We are all part of the same organism.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
so where does this leave me with my guitar playing, dancing, and bodybuilding? I still have some thinking to do about all that...but I think I need to create that which others can enjoy equally as myself because that is my purpose.
Now, where is this all coming from? I have been lost recently, which has probably happened as a result of many factors. However, I am on the path to getting myself back and realizing what it is that I love. I felt enlightened for a period of time, but that does not mean much if I don't take that and keep it and update it. I saw an exercise on a website that basically said to take 20 minutes (approximation of course) and write an answer to the question, "What is my purpose?" and keep writing answers until you find the one that makes you cry. That is what I did and I would like to copy what I wrote in just a minute. I did not find the answer that made me cry, because I know I am not going to cry from finding something like this out, especially because I believe I already knew it, but just forgot about it/lost it. After taking time to meditate I found the answer that truly resonated within me and the one that metaphorically made me cry. That answer was the above. Here is how my exercicse went:
What is my purpose in life?
to be
to become
to write beautiful music
to fulfill myself
to connect with others
to express happiness
to be strong
to be a great dancer
to bodybuild and look and feel sexy
I want to be free
I want to connect with the world
to transcend limitations
to evoke the emotions I feel from listening to music through writing my own
to be adaptable
to grow and surpass others
to share myself with others
to love myself and people
to actively love
to feel love
to feel arms holding me
to give myself up to someone
to dream, to live my dream
to create a world of happiness
to live in love with someone
to live in varying degrees of love with people
to be loved
to feel love, received and given
to become lost (as when I meditate with music) with a female
to share a blissful feeling of love with a woman
to physically experience how love feels and embody another person
to embody personal love
to seek love through sound, movement, pleasure, contact of another being as well as from within myself
My purpose is to embody the expression of love from one another through sound, movement, pleasure, contact, and connection.
I easily cut out all the superficial stuff rather quickly, all the things that bear no - little meaning. I started dealing with real words/concepts that I could feel strongly with. then I hit the central theme of love, and I very much want to love and be loved. However, the ways in which I want to be loved and love are what matters. From this exercise I have learned that my true passion/art/connection is love. My mediums are what I mentioned above, sound, movement, pleasure, contact, and connection. Now to make those more practical/rational we can separate and categorize them. Before I do that, however I want to just make a point, that this answer is nothing new or surprising. In fact it goes to deal with the very essence of every human soul. It is just specifically individual to me because I am the one that came up with the answer. All of these represent the 5 senses and the core of an individual...it also bridges the gap between 0 and 1. By that I mean without anyone, we are nothing, but when we are fully embodied by another, we are one (with that person). Thus the 5 senses are what hold us together. People are always looking to satisfy their senses. Beyond the need for survival, that is what comes next. Some of us like to do so in shocking contexts or some crazy method, but not everyone does. And many people want to please the senses in smaller easier ideas. So for me, it breaks down as so:
Sound- hear
movement- see
pleasure- taste/smell
contact- feel
connection- love
This formula should be applied to two or more people. For me specifically, I want someone who wants to fulfill all 5 senses in that way. These 5 senses are my mediums for art and creating. I have been thinking too strictly about my passions. I would think, what medium should I use to create music? Wrong. What medium should I use to please my (and others') sense of hearing? That is a much more definite and strong answer. Get the idea?
Sound- I want to produce music/sound that I and others enjoy. I want to enjoy the music/sound others create.
Movement- I want to produce visual art in some form (photography, dancing, drawing, painting, animation etc etc) that others can relate to and feel good about watching. In the same respect I want to watch things that make me feel good.
Pleasure- I want to taste and smell that which makes me aroused or gives me the feeling of being high other than from listening and watching. I want to experience this from others.
Contact- I want to feel the touch of other people in a way that shines on my self and body. I want to give the most endearing touch to others.
Connection- I want to love and be loved.
these I refer to as the 5 suns, and on a female or someone who I am greatly attracted to/in love with they are the 5 moons. These opposites attract and in the middle is the core of strength and balance. Sound familiar? Magnets, the earth. Life is formulaic. We all are part of a mold so it is just a matter of filling the mold to our liking. We are all part of the same organism.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
so where does this leave me with my guitar playing, dancing, and bodybuilding? I still have some thinking to do about all that...but I think I need to create that which others can enjoy equally as myself because that is my purpose.
Feeling conflicted/giving up
Here we go again...could this be another phase? May be these phases are signs to tell me my path is wrong. All my life I have felt the need and will to play guitar and to write music. Now I feel like it may be coming to a halt. I am so confused about writing and creating that I dont even know what questions to start asking. The act of playing and doing what I do is fun....but what about the art of creating? May be I am creating for the wrong reasons. What more is there? Is it that I just want a chance to perform? Well I have performed before (open mics, nothing big) and it was exactly how I expected it to be. May be a performance art is not what I should be involved in. Or may be I should just not perform, or think about it.
I had a dream...It was dark, I was up in CT supposedly where my grandparents live. We were all at a party and these people one of my friends knew came to the house in vans. All dressed in black with guns and knives. All they wanted to do was kill everyone/terrorize them because of something stupid my friend had said. So I was in close contact with two of my friends and I tried to survive on my own....and I EASILY did. I was smart about where to hide, when to move, how to move. I pretty much kept hiding in different blocks/areas of the neighborhood. I wasn't even scared in my dream. I was just doing what I had to do. In the end, I was one of the very few who did not end up getting hurt, and then the "evil ones" left. I didn't feel bad that I came out virtually unscathed. I felt like I should. Confident. Not proud, not happy, not thankful, not grateful. I just felt like this strong person.
What information can I get from this? This could metaphorically represent my musical journey to this date. I am not sure where to go from here. Should I pick up a new medium, should I drop guitar? WHY? Why would I do that? what would it change? I would still be the same person.
I had a dream...It was dark, I was up in CT supposedly where my grandparents live. We were all at a party and these people one of my friends knew came to the house in vans. All dressed in black with guns and knives. All they wanted to do was kill everyone/terrorize them because of something stupid my friend had said. So I was in close contact with two of my friends and I tried to survive on my own....and I EASILY did. I was smart about where to hide, when to move, how to move. I pretty much kept hiding in different blocks/areas of the neighborhood. I wasn't even scared in my dream. I was just doing what I had to do. In the end, I was one of the very few who did not end up getting hurt, and then the "evil ones" left. I didn't feel bad that I came out virtually unscathed. I felt like I should. Confident. Not proud, not happy, not thankful, not grateful. I just felt like this strong person.
What information can I get from this? This could metaphorically represent my musical journey to this date. I am not sure where to go from here. Should I pick up a new medium, should I drop guitar? WHY? Why would I do that? what would it change? I would still be the same person.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
back to writing
Life is a process...do what you want, when you want. Be yourself. Have fun. Fill your soul.
Writing a lot of new material, hugely inspired by Om and DSO. Should be some cool sounding stuff
Writing a lot of new material, hugely inspired by Om and DSO. Should be some cool sounding stuff
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