An Ethereal Guitarist's Path

Friday, September 2, 2011


Ok, I got some things figured out now! First things first, I REALLY want to do a bodybuilding competition. I NEED to do one soon. I have been trying to add on size to prepare to do one and soon it will be time to showcase what I have done. I feel that I am almost big enough to do one, but then again I know probably everyone will be bigger than me as size is not my strong point. That's ok though. I want to get up on a damn stage, a real stage, not some lame ass open mic playing a guitar. I want to showcase to people my hard work and dedication. Next on my list is to become a certified personal trainer and start building a financial base from that. Personal training is fun and it involves a passion of mine and can make me some good money. I feel I have a lot of the skills in order to be a damn good/successful personal trainer. Main thing that needs work still is my charisma, but guess what? Even that is improving. Soon I will be unstoppable. I also want to perform dance soon. I don't want these passions to be like guitar playing, where I was mostly a bedroom musician and just practiced too much because that is no fun!!! I need to show people what I am working on. Soon I will be playing open mics, and now is the time to prepare for them. I have more experience in dancing than I realize. I have studied the movement and posing of muscles. I have also developed a decent mind-muscle connection with my muscles. I have practiced yoga and taken notes on what looks beautiful to me and what doesn't. I am ahead of my game more than I thought. I also studied salsa for a little while. Now I just need to get in the habit of writing routines and practicing technique. The last thing on my list is that I want to learn a new instrument. I'm sick of the guitar, simply-put. I don't enjoy the phsyical aspects of playing it anymore. I don't know why, I just don't. I think i burned myself out with too much technicality. Anyway, I don't want to do that again. I do want to be great at an instrument and at performing, but to be super technical- well I don't care to be, because after a certain point, it isn't about the music anymore.

From my liast post, I was saying how I wanted to be unique. Well I certainly will be unique. even in 5 years from now, I can only imagine the great things I will be doing. I feel like I've FINALLY solved a lot of issues with myself that have been holding me back. Specifically speaking, I am learning that I don't have to get a degree to become successful and getting a degree may truly not be in my path (but it may). I have also learned that I want to perform and do more than just brush my fingers across a guitar neck. I want to be involved and interactive- and I CAN do that. There is nothing that is stopping me. I just gotta practice and then start hitting some easy gigs and take it from there. I am learning that I have a lot of great qualities and strengths that will help me obtain donig things like becoming a personal trainer and truly being "on my own," as well as connecting with others. I am realizing that I really want to put all my theory of practice to performance and application, because isn't that what art is about? A journey? I want people to see my journey as opposed to say 1 instance of it where I am at my "peak." If I am constantly working my hardest, then I will always be at my peak, and if I am always at my peak then I can always perform and feel good about myself.

To sum up my goals

1. Bodybuilding competition in a year (late 2012/early 2013)
2. Obtain a personal trainer certification (early-mid 2012)
3. Perform dance at open mics (late 2011/early 2012)
4. Learn a new instrument and get a fresh perspective on music

Monday, August 29, 2011

Back at the drawing board of life

So here I am, on the road again. I see everyone aronud me that knows their purpose/identity in life at least to some extent, and I don't know mine. That is largely bothering me. I really want to figure out where the hell I fit in and what I want to do. I have played guitar for 9 years and have written and performed music...but is that what I WANT to do? I don't think so. This time that I take a "break" from guitar feels different than all the other times. Why? What is so different about now? Well mostly, I get bored with it. It doesn't feel "magical" anymore. How can it? What was so special about it back when I started? Maybe the fact that my knowledge of music was so limited. Ok, so I think i've established that my dream is not to be in a touring band-that does sound like fun though. Ok so I've been weight training for a good 2 years (working out a total of 3). I may enter bodybuilding competitions for the fun of it, but I don't feel the NEED to do it. I do however, want to be a personal trainer- ok so that's one thing. I've been dancing for not even a year, and not very much of it. Dancing is fun too, and I think it would be nice to perform for others, but how badly do I want to do that? When I played guitar, I had a mission and knew that I wanted to perform and excel at it. I did. May be I was just trying to prove to myself that I COULD succeed if I wanted to. I have always had problems about being on top or succeeding since high school and felt bad when I was lower than average on a lot of things. May be what I am coming to realize is that I am just an average guy? But who wants to be an average guy? I find that incredibly boring. So what the fuck am I left with? If I do ever enter the world of music again, I don't think it will be as a guitar player or even a musician at this point, but then again, that doesn't leave many other options. I messed up somewhere down the line and I don't know where. I used to have all these dreams and passions of performing and becoming a multi-media artist, but now I don't feel that way at all. Art was the only thing i've known but may be being an artist is not what I want. I think it may have been a cover up for osmething that I am afraid to do. Socially? Maybe. But my social problems are easy to solve- I really just want to learn more info/about pop culture (to relate to others) and to just get better at being funny. Then I'll be ok in that aspect. I can't figure out where I want to be because nothing is DRAWING me to it like it used to. May be pursuing all these things was just a way to break out of my shyness...and if so, that then leaves the question of "what do I continue to do and what do I leave behind?" I think it's safe to say that I am truly sick of guitar and even caring about music and making music "personal, emotional, perfect, satisfactory," etc because that's all bullshit. If music touches somebody then it is good music- 'nuff said. So I think I am done with having such high technical standards for my creative endeavors.

So then what will make me a unique person? I don't feel very unique once these things are stripped away. I'm just some average dude, but I don't want to be average. I never liked being average in school and still don't like being average outside of school. What stands out about me? May be some of my qualities and mannerisms, but is that really enough?

so my one goal at the moment is to become a personal trainer. That's an easy step in an area that I am talented in and it will help me in a tremendous amount of ways- financially, socially, emotionally. So let me start with that.

perhaps i should revisit this?