An Ethereal Guitarist's Path

Monday, August 29, 2011

Back at the drawing board of life

So here I am, on the road again. I see everyone aronud me that knows their purpose/identity in life at least to some extent, and I don't know mine. That is largely bothering me. I really want to figure out where the hell I fit in and what I want to do. I have played guitar for 9 years and have written and performed music...but is that what I WANT to do? I don't think so. This time that I take a "break" from guitar feels different than all the other times. Why? What is so different about now? Well mostly, I get bored with it. It doesn't feel "magical" anymore. How can it? What was so special about it back when I started? Maybe the fact that my knowledge of music was so limited. Ok, so I think i've established that my dream is not to be in a touring band-that does sound like fun though. Ok so I've been weight training for a good 2 years (working out a total of 3). I may enter bodybuilding competitions for the fun of it, but I don't feel the NEED to do it. I do however, want to be a personal trainer- ok so that's one thing. I've been dancing for not even a year, and not very much of it. Dancing is fun too, and I think it would be nice to perform for others, but how badly do I want to do that? When I played guitar, I had a mission and knew that I wanted to perform and excel at it. I did. May be I was just trying to prove to myself that I COULD succeed if I wanted to. I have always had problems about being on top or succeeding since high school and felt bad when I was lower than average on a lot of things. May be what I am coming to realize is that I am just an average guy? But who wants to be an average guy? I find that incredibly boring. So what the fuck am I left with? If I do ever enter the world of music again, I don't think it will be as a guitar player or even a musician at this point, but then again, that doesn't leave many other options. I messed up somewhere down the line and I don't know where. I used to have all these dreams and passions of performing and becoming a multi-media artist, but now I don't feel that way at all. Art was the only thing i've known but may be being an artist is not what I want. I think it may have been a cover up for osmething that I am afraid to do. Socially? Maybe. But my social problems are easy to solve- I really just want to learn more info/about pop culture (to relate to others) and to just get better at being funny. Then I'll be ok in that aspect. I can't figure out where I want to be because nothing is DRAWING me to it like it used to. May be pursuing all these things was just a way to break out of my shyness...and if so, that then leaves the question of "what do I continue to do and what do I leave behind?" I think it's safe to say that I am truly sick of guitar and even caring about music and making music "personal, emotional, perfect, satisfactory," etc because that's all bullshit. If music touches somebody then it is good music- 'nuff said. So I think I am done with having such high technical standards for my creative endeavors.

So then what will make me a unique person? I don't feel very unique once these things are stripped away. I'm just some average dude, but I don't want to be average. I never liked being average in school and still don't like being average outside of school. What stands out about me? May be some of my qualities and mannerisms, but is that really enough?

so my one goal at the moment is to become a personal trainer. That's an easy step in an area that I am talented in and it will help me in a tremendous amount of ways- financially, socially, emotionally. So let me start with that.

perhaps i should revisit this?

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