An Ethereal Guitarist's Path

Thursday, December 29, 2011

time line/exploration of worlds

analogy- FF worlds or something similar is symbolic of my passions/art/interests. So how do I play the game? Do I complete each stage/world when I get there or do I do a little bit, go to some others and then come back?

lemme try to map out a little timeline of my life at the moment

martial arts- completed, revisited a little bit later on
music/guitar- not finished but mostly "leveled up," still need to complete my dream of touring and playing in bands and recording

fitness- currently leveling up. Still need to go further and become a personal trainer and one day compete in bodybuilding

dance- just started leveling up much more to go

family/significant others- only slightly explored

ma= martial arts
M= music
F= fitness
f= family
-= where I want to be to be completely satisfied
age 22 age 30 age 60
------------------------------------------------======================= 9 years
3 years

<1 year

<1 year

Monday, November 14, 2011

feeling special...forget the passions*** pt 2

Well at this point, all I wanna do is interact with people. I feel like that would make me happy as opposed to having all these hobbies and passions to pursue. I feel like those are trying to fill up a void of self importance and self worth but it really isn't working. What would interacting with people really accomplish and fulfill that about myself? Well I would certainly have a new sense of self worth. People would then give value to me instead of me trying to work hard and show how "special" I am.

I think I don't feel special and that's why I am pursuing all these crazy hobbies and passions. I want to feel special! How does one feel special? Well let me see what I think makes someone special to me.

It is not about doing XYZ and ABC. I don't care, you can do all the shit you want. That will not make me think you're special. Someone special to me would possess these qualities:
*actively cares for others
*does not blindly follow society
*Sticks to their morals
*Don't feel the need to prove themselves to other people
*interested in the lives of others
*does nice things for people

I seem to be using hobbies or activities to make me feel good about myself.

In response to that original post, I really just like when people are nice and go out of their way to make a difference in someone's life, even a small one by just talking to them. I like when they are active in hobbies or sports and have interests. I am at the point where I don't need to be doing these "super amazing dreams" in order to feel special. People interacting with me kindly makes me feel special.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Fun has been sucked out of everything

I don't wanna write about this shit anymore...I don't wanna think about it. May be guitar playing is done, at least for now. Perhaps I'll pick it up one day again. I hate to look at it as anything more than fun, it ruins it. I am getting a little sick of dancing, taking that shit way too seriously. Going to class/rehearsal 3 days a week just so I KNOW the choreo. Fuck that. I'd rather be learning new choreo. I mean I am getting ready for a performance, but damn it's just stressful and I get tired of freakin thinking about it all the time. Where's the fun in that? What's the point of doing shit in life if it isn't fun. If it doesn't bring me joy/fun how will I become happy? I made these passions into something way beyond that. A way to try and prove and connect myself with others. Hey! Look! I can play guitar too, and I am ten times better than you. Umm who the hell cares??? I sure don't. If people have difficulty all that means is that to make it easy they just gotta practice.

I wanna be good at things and I want to do things for the fun of it. I don't want to make work out of all these things because then they lose their magic. So how do I achieve this? Well, I do have to practice, but I don't have to pressure myself to practice. I don't have to be perfect, unless I want to be, and I don't want to be. What is the point in being perfect? Someone might say wow that's amazing! OK? and?

So you know what? I'm gonna drop everything until I learn how to make them fun or I realize that I don't want to do them anymore.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Feeling special...forget the passions***

Well at this point, all I wanna do is interact with people. I feel like that would make me happy as opposed to having all these hobbies and passions to pursue. I feel like those are trying to fill up a void of self importance and self worth but it really isn't working. What would interacting with people really accomplish and fulfill that about myself? Well I would certainly have a new sense of self worth. People would then give value to me instead of me trying to work hard and show how "special" I am.

I think I don't feel special and that's why I am pursuing all these crazy hobbies and passions. I want to feel special! How does one feel special? Well let me see what I think makes someone special to me.

It is not about doing XYZ and ABC. I don't care, you can do all the shit you want. That will not make me think you're special. Someone special to me would possess these qualities:
*actively cares for others
*does not blindly follow society
*Sticks to their morals
*Don't feel the need to prove themselves to other people
*interested in the lives of others
*does nice things for people

I seem to be using hobbies or activities to make me feel good about myself.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

quitting, leaving some things behind?

I have excelled in:

martial arts- 7 years
guitar- 9 years
bodybuilding and fitness- 3 years
dancing <1year
singing <1year

I fully quit martial arts. I didn't really think twice about it. My interest in it dwindled and my parents allowed me to stop. Later on in life, I never regretted it. Sometimes I did feel like training though. Eventually I did it again for the fun of it. Perhaps my parents allowing me to quit messed me up a bit- in a sense. It made me realize that it is ok to quit things. It is ok, but is it what I want to do? May be, may be not, I was never conditioned to see things out through the end.

Guitaring has almost been quit and left behind. Sometimes I feel like it's a bad idea and sometimes I feel more at ease with it because I can focus on BBing or dancing a lot more. Sometimes it's nice to just not think about it and all the technical aspect of it. May be I will just keep going through different hobbies and what not. Is there only one time and place for everything?

How the hell do I juggle everything without getting stressed out or putting pressure on myself?

I don't feel like having any dreams...Off day?**

Ok, so right now I feel like I don't want to chase all my dreams and goals, and I just think whats the point, who cares? Why do I wanna be this top star or something super super amazing in what I do? Anyone can do it so does it really set me apart? no. Is this going to make me happy? I don't know. May be I should set my sights high but keep my goals short and sweet. I was talking to Frank and found out that he got a degree in electrical engineering, and he didn't even want to be a dancer/teacher, but it just happened

I can be a dancer, instructor, guitarist, martial artist, personal trianer, bodybuilder, powerlifter, but do I really want to be all those things? I feel sick of art. Even just listening to music again. I don't care about these bands that are out there. Ok, you made some cool songs and? What music used to do to me, it doesn't do anymore. Do I want to start focusing on academics now? Who knows. I don't care enough to try to impress people anymore. I can only definitely impress myself, and unless others know my whole story would they truly be impressed. And may be they wouldn't be because their story is ten times harder than me. Why Do I keep comparing myself to everyone, is that making me miserable? Maybe. I do admit I get jealous of other people and at least wanted to be where everyone else is at some point. I guess now that I am moving there I am not so sure I want to do that, because in reality it is not me or my perspective, it is them/theirs.

I still feel lost in this world. What do I want out of life?

Monday, October 24, 2011

How can I look up to you if I can't look up at you
This is my life and my body
when failure comes down hard
we need the best of love
but when we fail at something we shouldn't fail at
all we get is a fuck you

life is all about living and learning
improving to our satisfaction

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

All I wanna do is love
fuck the world and responsibilities
all work and no play makes me- oh wait
I love to work and I love to play
I love the world I'm here to stay

Im looking for the magic bullet
one way ticket so I say fuck it
to fame and glory- what we want
and baby then I'll have you all for me

but thats how you say

everybodys expectin me
everybodys timing me and stalking me
taunting me, pushing me

Thursday, October 13, 2011


I really dislike people who don't use integrity and who go back on their word. People who give things and then take em back. That is one of the themes I wish to write about.

Friday, October 7, 2011

mourning day

it seems the fall/winter season will always be a sad/depressing time. I wanna record the days in which I feel depressed/mournful to see if I can find a pattern and perhaps figure something out about it

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Turning tables******

Well, it comes as a surprise to many people, the fact that I am exploring and liking pop music. Does it surprise me? Not really. Perhaps it is a little unexpected, but knowing about myself makes me realize that it makes sense. I am discovering everything I wanted to be a part of in my teenage years that I wasn't. Dance, pop music, rap, style, and a stronger grasp on culture in general. It's all slowly coming together. That doesn't mean that my previous beliefs and strongholds are going away, they are just as strong as they were, if not, stronger. If anything I am just adding more to my repertoire of life. With that beings said, I am getting SO many artistic ideas for myself. I realized I needed to expand my stylistic horizons so that if I get bored of one style, I can just focus on another one and not have to take some incredible downtime from it.

I am starting to become VERY inspired by pop/rnb music as well as folk. I want to be surrounded by many aspects of music and culture. There are things I like about everything, but if I focus only on one- it will becomes stale to me because nothing is perfect. So at the very least, having multiple things to focus on can help alleviate that realization. 2 of my biggest influences right now are Adele and Jessie J, and I am totally looking for more. One thing I like about pop music is that it has positive messages and vibes, despite a lot of sad love songs you hear, a lot of it seems to be about moving on, being yourself, and enjoying life- ideas that I strongly believe in.

So let me tell about my music ideas I am getting. I want to be a pop artist- to an extent. I don't want to be a pop artist on the top 10 billboards, but I want to play and write that kind of music. I do like fame and popularity, but I don't want it to be overwhelming. I more so want it to be an even balance. The avant garde and udnerground music I am into is on the exact opposite side of the spectrum, so exploring both sides of the spectrum will land me in the middle. I remember a while back I had been troubled about including multiple genres under one project/album, but a friend of mine told me that I should do it all on one and just be me. I almost completely agree with that now. After having heard Jessie J's album Who You Are, I noticed that she did incorporate quite a few different styles of music on it. I want to do something like that. As far as the pop style goes, I want to make some changes to how the style is played. I want more focus on instrumentals and ornamentation. I also want some darker parts- kind of like adele but with a darkish jazzy feel to it, as well as some ambient-esque parts. Once I get the money, I will start singing lessons and then will be ready to truly start writing pop-ish songs.

Anyway, along with this, I want to get Monolithic back together, and assuming Eston is on board with it, I will do it. Then my legacy will start establishing. I will be a dancer, bodybuilder, singer, musician, songwriter, and a diverse entity. I don't want to just be an artist that only a select few care about. I want to appeal to a lot of people- but not an extreme amount of people. That is why I want to do a lot of different things and be involved in a lot of different styles.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

purpose/perfection ***

A most interesting thing is this desire for purpose, this thirst for perfection arises in mind once you stop having fun in life. Maybe that is what happened with guitar playing.

Played guitar the other day**

I played Ricky's guitar a couple days ago, and wow I can still play I wasn't expecting that, not after three months of not playing. One thing that was really apparent is that in order to play well, I have to put in the ENERGY to do so. That makes such a huge difference. I am realizing largely what I want to play. I don't want to play a tech death style. I just wanna play music that is powerful but also that you can lay back to. The first Monolithic song is a prime example. It doesn't have to be dark, it just has to be good and not over fluffed, and not over simplified. Just have some balance. I used to have all these crazy and creative ideas, like combining charles mingus, with metallica's S&M with technical death metal with ambience. But that really is not my goal. Sure those ideas would be INSANE, but I am not making music to show people how creative I can be. Anyone can think of these ideas. I just wanna make music that's simple and fun to play. Again, it really isn't that serious.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The less I think about goals the more focused I become? ********

It seems like spending time thinking about and being into different things other than music helps. It seems that not thinking about music helps too. I also can't constantly think about one art form because that starts to destroy it, however I must realize that this isn't a bad thing. It's hard to realize that by focusing on something else the other things will come into play. They are all synergistic. There are so many different things to do that reflect my moods, but I can not be 100 different moods at once/constantly. There are only certain times when I feel like doing x or y or z.

I have to balance things not only physically but mentally too. It's easy to just separate the physical aspects of activities but to stop thinking about them is harder. Thoughts wander effortlessly so they come and go easily and frequently. I am learning again that everything in my life is a balance. Well besides happiness:sadness- that's more like 85:15 ration. However, I like to do a lot, and then not do a lot. I have been very extreme about it in the past, and I think I am realizing I shouldn't be so extreme about it.

Realization: Energy********

It seems that if I focus and put the energy into an art I will get that back. FOr instance, if a band is OK and I am listening to them, I have to focus in order to "get into" the music. I can choose to get into it and enjoy it or sit back and not feel anything from it. I notice that it is harder to do the former when I am tired. As far as rating whether or not a band is a favorite or how much I like them; well the easier it is for me to get into the band, the more I like them. If I don't have to force myself to feel the music then I like them a lot and it is one of my favorites.

This is why I have a hard time writing music. It is very difficult to write something that will DRAW me in and keep me there. That is why I want to do some bands and don't want to do others. This is why I keep going back and forth between music/guitar- because I never quite realized this. I am also tired a LOT of the time from bodybuilding/powerlifting because that takes a lot of energy out of me. I have noticed that when I take caffeine I feel more focused and better about myself, goals, music, and art. I feel more accepting to things. May be that is saying that I should use caffeine a bit more liberally, but may be not. I would not like to b ecome dependent on it and feel that would be a bad thing to do, however I do not know what else to do to combat this tiredness. I guess the debate comes down to, if you are pushing your body passed its limits, should you use outside forces to keep maintaining it? Or should you just keep everything as natural as possible? Perhaps I should do the former while I can. I have the energy now to do all these things and maybe that's how I should invest my time and money- 110% full force.

I have the opportunity to tour for a few months with Psyche Corporation, a band my brother is playing for and while I initially said yes, today I have been second guessing that decision- partly because I am tired. I am tired and when I am tired it is hard to focus on the things that I want to do. Think about that. So if being tired makes it hard to focus I need to fix that. Bodybuilding makes me terribly tired, but I will not stop that- I can't because I love it so much. If that is the case, outside supplements such as caffeine may have to come into my life. Is that so bad of a decision? It doesn't have to be constant to the point where I develop a dependency. I find it hilarious how I am seriously debating whether or not using caffeine would be a smart choice when so many bbers out there are on steroids, GH and a whole lot of other drugs- yet caffeine to me is like the dark side! HAH!

So my problem is that bodybuilding makes me very tired, but I can't stop doing it. Thus, when I am tired it is hard to focus on my arts and goals. Liking art is all about focusing on it and putting energy into that. How can I do that if I am tired all of the time? Well simply put, I can't unless I want to be miserable while doing it. So, how will I solve this issue, what solutions do I have?

Well I want to not be as tired and have the energy to pursue music, dance, and bodybuilding, as well as some sort of career. I want to stay healthy. So the only real solution I see at the moment is to lighten up on bodybuilding or to use energy boosters. How else can I achieve not being tired?

How did I realize this? Well today at work I had been thinking about Psyche Corporation and if I really wanted to play shows. I immediately started thinking that I don't want to play guitar anymore. Not recreationally. However, at the very least -playing guitar is a useful skill because it can be used as a gateway to other opportunities like meeting new people or networking and telling people of my passions. I am also going to use this as a gateway to ask Gen if I can be a dance performer for the band. Of course before I do that I will have to hone my dance skills quite a bit, and may be this will be my first real choreographic work that I wil do and have something to show. It will also most likely be my first performance piece- which is funny because not long ago I was saying how one of my goals is to perform dance later this year/early next year and I didn't think that was so likely to happen, but I now see a huge possibility in it....but why? Anyway, I digress. After I thought that I had not wanted to play guitar I just decided to listen to two songs I need to learn- just for the hell of it, and I'm like ok these are ok- whatever. But then I thought, well what about all the times when I would get excited about music and I would be really into it and the music would make me move? I pretended for a moment that I was not tired at all- that was a big factor as I am EXTREMELY tired today because my whole upper body has been sore for days. So anyway, I psyched myself up slightly and started moving to the musiv a little bit, or at least got the urge to. I am at work so it is hard to just bust a move without getting in trouble HAHA. And then that's when I realized "hey this could actually work and may be it wouldn't be so bad after all." Then I started thinking about how it used to be my dream to get on stage and perform music- and I have done that, however, not with a full band. I think I am finally done!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Misunderstood, interpreting my feelings

Wow ok, so this whole state of confusion I was in was a long journey/phase in and of itself. I have learned quite a lot and I realized that playing guitar is my true calling. I know where I want to be technique-wise and playing/creativity-wise, and have always known that. I also have started developing a fresh and honest approach/perspective about the kind of music I want to be involved in and what I want my main goal to be focused on it. Watching the new HF demo videos of only Eston and one guitarist also gave me some insight. Simply put, I want to front a band that is a mixture of Anthromorphic, Monolithic, and Metallica. This in essence encompasses all of my influences in music. Each project stands strong on their own and is very much developed. They are all technical in their own ways but also very strong in the song writing. The tricky part is combining everything. The level I want to be at is improvising on stage at every/any show but having the rest of the band keeping the structure of it all. I feel as though this may actually be realistic because, not to get ahead of myself or go on a massive ego trip, but from what I have seen most people can not improvise at such a high level as I know I can and will achieve. While I love the technicality of interesting technical death metal, and the spacey ambient sounds that are associated with bands like WITTR I also love melodic/catchy/strong songs that Metallica plays. More often than not, technique and ambience tend to leave no room for "real" songs. If I can successfully blend these three things together I feel as thought I will have the ultimate band.

So I have learned that I MUST be patient with myself. I am learning a whole new meaning to the word patient, especially when it comes to goals and developing as a person. Yes it is good to push yourself above and beyond, but too much is too much. I am glad that I have gotten used to a strong work ethic and decent level of standard. Which brings me to my next point, holding too high standards is detrimental. The only standard that should ever be is to constantly get better and out-do yourself. If you are accomplishing that then you will eventually reach your best. If you try to do that too fast, then all you are doing is rushing and not giving things the room to come to fruition. These are the two mistakes I have made in the past and I have finally come to realize the severity of them as well as the repercussions they produce.

One last thing I have realized is that I do not need to second-guess myself usually. If I trusted myself in the first place and just said I needed a break from guitar, then I would not have encountered the confusion in this phase. But alas my energy had been diverted from the task at hand. I have learned to distinguish between needing to take time off and being uninspired as well. Both are two very different things. I can practice and force myself to do things when I am not inspired to do them, however, doing these things while NEEDING a break is a different story. Over-training is never a good idea.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Finally ok with where my life is heading?

Behavioral patters. What I'm noticing with myself is that I achieve a high level of expertise in something and then I move on to something new/ I think I am finally ok with that. I have always wanted to be involved in a lot of hobbies and now I realized that I can be. However, to keep everything consistent would be too much for anyone to really manage and I think that's why when I find something new, the old starts to dwindle. I don't think it's necessarily that I lose interest but more so that I lose the ability to properly manage it to the best of my ability. I think it'd be great to have a list of passions/accomplishments that I've done. May be this is really what I've been looking for.

So what have I got?

Martial arts- 6+ years
writing- 5+ years
Guitar/music- 9+ years

Bodybuilding- 2+ years
Dancing- 0+ years

Now that I look at it, I have been involved with something all my life and will probably until the day I die.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

I want to be a star...

Have I always wanted to be a star?
I feel as though the answer is yes (and the fact that I can't say that with certainty shows unconfidence) and all my life I was too scared to admit that. Could this be why I want to be involved in so many art forms? Because I can't find one forte that will bring me where I want to be?

If being a star is what I want then how do I achieve that? I've come from a background that was far away from that sort of world. -- I was not blessed with that sort of skill set nor talents. Well, I have the talent, but have not honed it into skill during what appears to be a very critical part of development (preteens and beyond).

I have expressed that I want to be extremely outgoing, have lots of friends, play in bands, perform etc. But how much have I truly accomplished?

I get jealous when people have such amazing times out or are the center of attention. Yes! I love attention (good attention) and always have. I always admitted to myself but not to others and used to frown at attention whores and their behavior. I behaved in opposing ways to them and those thoughts have been ingrained in me. How dare I act like a "child" and try to get people to like me and pay me mind. However, its what I want, I want everyone to care about me, yet I act like I don't because I have conditioned myself to THINK (not believe) that way of thinking. I don't want to be someone who lives in their own world and never comes out, I don't want to be who I used to be. The closed, solitary, fragile, half-wit.
I want to be that guy who is rewarded for pouring his heart and soul into what he loves
I want to be that guy that many girls want to be around
I want to be that guy who the "whole" world pays attention to
I want to be that guy who is humble yet popular
I want to be that guy that everyone wants to invite out
I want to be that guy that doesn't let people down
I want to be that guy that everyone can share their secrets with
I want to be that guy that people open up to
I want to be a friend to everyone
I want to be that guy that everyone loves
I want to be that guy you go to when you're sad, or depressed
I want to be that guy you can curl up into a ball with and feel ok
I want to be that guy that you count on
I want to be that guy that you ask favors from
I want to be that guy that helps you so much you feel like you owe him
I want to be that guy that can talk to anyone
I want to be that guy that makes people's eyes light up
I want to be that guy that you always hug
I want to be that guy that is always thankful of others
That to a star

Is this the key to happiness? I am really starting to believe being this person will make me happy. Do I really want to work so hard to get there?

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


I like when people are polite
I like when people are open and cooperate with my ideas
I like when people let loose and have fun
I like when people get exited
I like when people are sensitive
I like when people care for others they don't know
I like when people know a lot and share that
I like when people are forgiving
I like when people stick to their word and are punctual- especially when it affets others
I like when people don't keep you needlessly waiting
I like when people control their emotions

These are things I want to bring out in myself because I admire these qualities about people.

Friday, September 2, 2011


Ok, I got some things figured out now! First things first, I REALLY want to do a bodybuilding competition. I NEED to do one soon. I have been trying to add on size to prepare to do one and soon it will be time to showcase what I have done. I feel that I am almost big enough to do one, but then again I know probably everyone will be bigger than me as size is not my strong point. That's ok though. I want to get up on a damn stage, a real stage, not some lame ass open mic playing a guitar. I want to showcase to people my hard work and dedication. Next on my list is to become a certified personal trainer and start building a financial base from that. Personal training is fun and it involves a passion of mine and can make me some good money. I feel I have a lot of the skills in order to be a damn good/successful personal trainer. Main thing that needs work still is my charisma, but guess what? Even that is improving. Soon I will be unstoppable. I also want to perform dance soon. I don't want these passions to be like guitar playing, where I was mostly a bedroom musician and just practiced too much because that is no fun!!! I need to show people what I am working on. Soon I will be playing open mics, and now is the time to prepare for them. I have more experience in dancing than I realize. I have studied the movement and posing of muscles. I have also developed a decent mind-muscle connection with my muscles. I have practiced yoga and taken notes on what looks beautiful to me and what doesn't. I am ahead of my game more than I thought. I also studied salsa for a little while. Now I just need to get in the habit of writing routines and practicing technique. The last thing on my list is that I want to learn a new instrument. I'm sick of the guitar, simply-put. I don't enjoy the phsyical aspects of playing it anymore. I don't know why, I just don't. I think i burned myself out with too much technicality. Anyway, I don't want to do that again. I do want to be great at an instrument and at performing, but to be super technical- well I don't care to be, because after a certain point, it isn't about the music anymore.

From my liast post, I was saying how I wanted to be unique. Well I certainly will be unique. even in 5 years from now, I can only imagine the great things I will be doing. I feel like I've FINALLY solved a lot of issues with myself that have been holding me back. Specifically speaking, I am learning that I don't have to get a degree to become successful and getting a degree may truly not be in my path (but it may). I have also learned that I want to perform and do more than just brush my fingers across a guitar neck. I want to be involved and interactive- and I CAN do that. There is nothing that is stopping me. I just gotta practice and then start hitting some easy gigs and take it from there. I am learning that I have a lot of great qualities and strengths that will help me obtain donig things like becoming a personal trainer and truly being "on my own," as well as connecting with others. I am realizing that I really want to put all my theory of practice to performance and application, because isn't that what art is about? A journey? I want people to see my journey as opposed to say 1 instance of it where I am at my "peak." If I am constantly working my hardest, then I will always be at my peak, and if I am always at my peak then I can always perform and feel good about myself.

To sum up my goals

1. Bodybuilding competition in a year (late 2012/early 2013)
2. Obtain a personal trainer certification (early-mid 2012)
3. Perform dance at open mics (late 2011/early 2012)
4. Learn a new instrument and get a fresh perspective on music

Monday, August 29, 2011

Back at the drawing board of life

So here I am, on the road again. I see everyone aronud me that knows their purpose/identity in life at least to some extent, and I don't know mine. That is largely bothering me. I really want to figure out where the hell I fit in and what I want to do. I have played guitar for 9 years and have written and performed music...but is that what I WANT to do? I don't think so. This time that I take a "break" from guitar feels different than all the other times. Why? What is so different about now? Well mostly, I get bored with it. It doesn't feel "magical" anymore. How can it? What was so special about it back when I started? Maybe the fact that my knowledge of music was so limited. Ok, so I think i've established that my dream is not to be in a touring band-that does sound like fun though. Ok so I've been weight training for a good 2 years (working out a total of 3). I may enter bodybuilding competitions for the fun of it, but I don't feel the NEED to do it. I do however, want to be a personal trainer- ok so that's one thing. I've been dancing for not even a year, and not very much of it. Dancing is fun too, and I think it would be nice to perform for others, but how badly do I want to do that? When I played guitar, I had a mission and knew that I wanted to perform and excel at it. I did. May be I was just trying to prove to myself that I COULD succeed if I wanted to. I have always had problems about being on top or succeeding since high school and felt bad when I was lower than average on a lot of things. May be what I am coming to realize is that I am just an average guy? But who wants to be an average guy? I find that incredibly boring. So what the fuck am I left with? If I do ever enter the world of music again, I don't think it will be as a guitar player or even a musician at this point, but then again, that doesn't leave many other options. I messed up somewhere down the line and I don't know where. I used to have all these dreams and passions of performing and becoming a multi-media artist, but now I don't feel that way at all. Art was the only thing i've known but may be being an artist is not what I want. I think it may have been a cover up for osmething that I am afraid to do. Socially? Maybe. But my social problems are easy to solve- I really just want to learn more info/about pop culture (to relate to others) and to just get better at being funny. Then I'll be ok in that aspect. I can't figure out where I want to be because nothing is DRAWING me to it like it used to. May be pursuing all these things was just a way to break out of my shyness...and if so, that then leaves the question of "what do I continue to do and what do I leave behind?" I think it's safe to say that I am truly sick of guitar and even caring about music and making music "personal, emotional, perfect, satisfactory," etc because that's all bullshit. If music touches somebody then it is good music- 'nuff said. So I think I am done with having such high technical standards for my creative endeavors.

So then what will make me a unique person? I don't feel very unique once these things are stripped away. I'm just some average dude, but I don't want to be average. I never liked being average in school and still don't like being average outside of school. What stands out about me? May be some of my qualities and mannerisms, but is that really enough?

so my one goal at the moment is to become a personal trainer. That's an easy step in an area that I am talented in and it will help me in a tremendous amount of ways- financially, socially, emotionally. So let me start with that.

perhaps i should revisit this?

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

no need to be a composer/performer...?

I don't need to be a composer/performer now. I am only 21 years old. It just doesn't feel right. I feel like I should keep on prepping these next 5+ years and then really show my skills and create. That's how it feels. I think in that time frame I will feel much better about doing those things, but really I have no clue how I will feel. But at age 21 I can't really imagine myself being at my best at all.

Friday, July 15, 2011

10 days...figured out something new!

Well, I haven't played guitar in approximately 10 days now. Here is what I am learning. I still want to create music, however I don't have the NEED to express something within myself/change something that I used to have back in high school/college. For that reason, I thought about giving up guitar because that is naturally what made me play. With all the playing and practicing that I did, I developed a whole other love for music/guitar and I am now realizing that art is about more than expressing yourself. It's about interacting with others and becoming involved in worlds unlike reality. It's about going through a journey to fill ourselves with happiness and energy. That is why I enjoy music. Music, among other things, does that.

With that being said, I am allowing myself to start to play guitar again, however, with a different approach. No more will I "look for inspiration" or feel that I NEED to play. I will work harder than ever and expand my ideas for the sake of bringing alive something new to the table so that I can become involved in the scene and connect with others. I finally have a grasp on my emotions and mentalities that I can resume playing music soon. Motivation, inspiration, those are words that bear such vast meaning, yet people look at them so narrowly. There is a world of things that inspire and motivate you and they're not just physical things, or something we can talk about. Energy is everywhere in the world, it is all around you.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Project 1: photos and story

Photo shoot, me laying down my guitar in various ways.
Shows: power struggles, confusion, uncertainty, deep focus

Choose 10 photos and write a story/instance about each one of them and tie them together.

I lied, that wasnt the end

I feel I need to start writing, in more ways than one. There have been quite a few events that have happened recently in my life that are forcing me to learn something. First things first I want to just summarize my living situation.

A year ago, my father dies, a few months later I obtained a second job, a few months later I am forced- sporadically to move out on my own, a few months later, I move again because I cant afford rent, then I lose my second job and a few months later i move again because I can't afford rent.

What kind of an impact do you think it has on my life? Doesn't it seem logical that this would fuck up a lot of things mentally for myself? I've been poor, and without 2 parents, and I was in no way shape or form ready for it. I am only 21 and have barely gotten my feet wet with life. How can I be definite in a world of such uncertainty, instability, and a world where everyone speculates and theorizes more than practices? Think about all the articles on the internet that you "learn" from. Ok now, how much of that knowledge have you gained from experiencing what you read about? So how much knowledge do you REALLY have?

Where am I supposed to gain all this certainty and security from? How the hell should I know what to do with my life or what makes me happy at 21 years young? Isn't that why we try new things? Speaking of which, this leads me to my last two endeavors that fell apart, and before I even get into it, I think you can figure out why they fell apart (HINT: read above!).

I was asked by Humanity Falls to join as a bassist. I wanted to, but it just so happens that at this time I was pretty much losing all interest in music/death metal. WHAT?! HOW COULD THAT BE?! I thought steve was a sick musician. Yea yea yea, well besides from what I have already explained, that shit gets boring. Plain and simple. How the hell can I devote all my life/guitar playing time to death/extreme metal? Most of my friends wanted to start a death metal band, or black metal band, or some spin off of those, and I THOUGHT I had wanted to. But man oh man, look at all this amazing music you miss out on. Yea the musicianship and technicality is there in extreme music, but all it is is extreme. That's it. Fuck, I can't keep everything extreme all the damn time. I guess people seem to not understand that about me. I am a man of balance and a jack of all trades so to speak. What more do I have to gain from investing more years into extreme metal? I have been doing this for 9 gets boring because the music is so limited in expression.

That being said I have let down both Eston and Ricky apparently and things have gone sour, so I need to learn from these experiences.

Well so far I have learned what I want to be. I want to be a multi artist. I can't just commit to one type of band (unless its open to the point where expression is not compromised). I also can't commit to one type of art because there's so much that I like in the world. Instead of getting overwhelmed by it all, I am going to make it all a part of me, much like bodybuilding and formerly music. Well music is still a part of me, but it's just going on a little break.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The end

I have a tendency to start things and never finish them. Well finally I have finished this blog. I am hoping to one day publish this, perhaps if I actually do write an auto-biography. At the very least it is interesting to see the thought patterns of a confused and developing individual. While lots opf wisdom can be gained, I now see why so many people aren't interested in stuff like this. It is not that I am not interested, but I feel this is over-doing it. Things are the way they are and the mystery of life is part of the beauty. I am not saying to be ignorant, but mystery is comforting sometimes. Mystery is what brings life and change. I am not sure what my original idea for starting this in the first place was, but I don't have any need or want for this anymore. Having this blog causes me to think a little too much about myself and I tend to go in circles with my logic and thinking. I have learned a great deal about myself and about the skills I will need in life to be successful. Eventually, I may make an UnderMind blog, but who the hell knows when that will be. I'm sick of talking about all these ideas and they don't happen. I should go out and do things and then report about them. Anyway, too much thinking can lead to not being productive/assertive and I'm tired of dwelling on myself and ways to supposedly better myself. I am me. I want to get to know you. End of story. :)

Metallica and my role

I've been reading about the history of the band and more particularly James, Lars,Kirk, and Cliff. I am seeing parts of their personalities in me/ I think the 4 of them is worked amazing as a team, but my prob;em is what happens when you are one person harnessing their traits as opposed to being 4 separate entities combining everyone into one product. Not only that, but what metal music used to do in the 80s and to an extent still does was unit and bring together outcasts. I used to be one and metal music did bring new friends and opportunities with others "like me." Back when I was younger I was "different" and an outcast. Now that I'm 21, I have no desire to be different or an outcast. I want to be with more than just metalheads. I want to experience and be with other people. but I was not raised that way. So where does that leave me? What I am most familiar with is not a driving force in my life anymore. How do I interpret and get along with that; all the while having these 4 huge forces pulling at my limbs. May be theres one thing missing, The "head" if you will. The creation from all 4. I don't think its a coincidence Metallica has been my all time favorite band, motivator and in ways, best friend. Having been reading their bio, I possess similarities that they do/did. It's like they're all pulling against each other and still trying to sustain my sanity. I think the 4 need to start working together.

Lars- The brains/operator. If something needs to be done, he will rally up the band and go get it don.e He immerses himself in culture and is very aware of what others (bands) are doing and wants to expand and do it better

James- Main songwriter/co-operator. Has a lot of pent up emotion that drives his music. He is also well versed in what's going on around him. Very attitude drive.

Cliff- The nice guy and stability of the group. Sure of himself and has no need to prove his ego. Well versed in music and plays what and how he wants/ Educated.

Kirk- Nods his head and does what he is told. Diplomatic and supports the band with his expert technique and knowledge of music. Adds the flavor.

So I have these 4 personalities tugging at me and swarming inside of me. All 4 are confident, sure, and driven. So why aren't I? Now they need to work together to get done what needs to get done. Even if there is no clear-cut vision, work is work and it will still be building. That is what I am, a builder, more accurately, an architect, an artist.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

A letter to my future self November 2010- June 2011

dear future self
I have gotten depressed a lot in the past and there was a time when I didn't get depressed at all. It came back to me, however. I think the solution is to change things and do things. How do you feel about that now? What is life like without depression? Am I still self absorbed? How much have I branched out and where do I want to be in the next year? What new music is in my life and what new people do I know. What have I learned? Please tell me it is not all bad. What are the three things I value most? Am I patient anymore? Remember, these are just words! We were put here on this earth to feel joy.

Dear past self
I definitely feel the solution to depression is to change things and do things. Depression has still come and gone but that is because things are truly bothering me, like not having a job. It really limits me. I find depression comes in three different ways. One- being bored. Two- being chronically stressed. Three- not doing what I want. Sometimes I am legitimately bored, which is something I am trying to work on. I have been chronically stressed a little bit. I am not doing all the things that I want to. I am actually not really depressed at the moment, but I have learned that's when these things come; and I have lived in depressionless-times.

I am definitely still self some respect. BBing, practicing music, etc have been selfish. There is definitely sacrifice that comes with hard work and dedication. However, I have been developing to the point where I don't want to be self absorbed anymore. I want to share myself with others and have them interact and love me for that. My life is all about love and being loved now. I think I finally figured it out....I think that is what life's about.

I have branched out quite a bit, but not enough. I have gotten deep into dance (but am taking a break), I have started a band and have come very far on guitar and with bodybuilding. I am starting to take an interest in modeling. I am learning to be more relaxed and happy in social situations. Imagine that?! remember when I was socially anxious?? Yea I do too. I hate that and never want to feel that way again.

The new music in my life....well I have an appreciation for noise, I love salsa and bachata and hispanic music, and post rock. I am not moving very much musically anymore because I have invested so much time into it. However, it is what I know and am familiar with.

I have learned many things. Slow and steady wins the race! but don't be afraid to push yourself. If you think you are working hard just know that there is someone else in the world who is at least one step ahead of you. Always try to stay balanced. Plan things, but don;t be afraid to deviate from the plans and improvise and just act on impulse. Use all resources. Don't only plan, don't only act impulsively. Do everything. Enjoy being yourself.

Life really ain't that bad. I need to do some more things to make it really good honestly. But it isn't bad

The three things value most?? I rarely consider what I value. Hmmm...First would be my friends. They have helped me out tremendously and there's so much that I owe them. They are some amazing people. Second on the list would be love. I value love the most out of anything I think. Third...I don't know beyond that. That was a difficult question though!

These are just words. We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy.

I want to be famous and I want to live somewhere else

I would be almost content doing the things I love to do, BBing, music, art, modeling, dancing, socializing, but there would be something that I am missing. Could it be fame?? May be not world-wide fame but I would like to be famous. If I am famous that means it is easy to reach other to other people. I want contact and interaction between me and others to come easily. I want that. I am not sure why. Something about it appeals to me.

I have been getting this random urge from time to time about moving/living outside of ny and/or outside of the US. I can think of many reasons why I would enjoy it, but I can't figure out what where this desire is coming from. I knew where the desire came from with bbing, music, dancing...but for living somewhere else, I don't know. Might just be tired of this environment. I don't know. Once I get serious income it will become a real goal of mine and I will also start researching about other places.

Slowly but surely I am arranging this gigantic puzzle in my head. I have a rather clear idea of what I want but it isn't quite complete. I need to EXPERIENCE more. I need to EXPERIENCE MORE. MORE. Experience. Think about it....!

from helplessness to love

From Helplessness to love

For years and years I have tried my best. I knew the definition of hard work. All I did was work towards my goals. At the end of the day, when I was done chasing the sun I realized I had been chasing the wrong person, the wrong thing, the wrong activity, the wrong goal. Had my whole life been a waste? A COMPLETE waste? Can you really comprehend that? All 21 years of my life a waste….Where do I go from here, my life is damaged unconditionally. I hadn’t found my true love, I hadn’t found what made me happy…all I found were arbitrary ideals that I held high, higher than everyone else. Higher than nature, higher than beauty, higher than interaction, connection, love, and you. My life has been a waste and my god does it feel like I don’t ever want to live again. I used to think there was no hope until that spark flew through my brain and slowly lifted me up from my submissive position. The spark showed me something that I wish to show you. A new insight, a new knowledge, a new key to HAPPINESS! Can you believe that? I want to show you that happiness is real and that if you come with me, hold my hand, and be with me you too can be happy! Imagine that? We can both be happy with each other’s happiness. I don’t use the word happy lightly. I know what true happiness is. Please don’t you believe me? No? Why not? I thought you said you trusted me!!!! Well, you don’t want to come with me, you don’t want to hold my hand and be close to me, you don’t want to be happy with me. That’s fine. I know that will make me happy one day, but that day is not today. Today is the day where I realized what true love is…

I love myself and my life. Yes the life that I wasted. Yes the life that made me miserable. I love that I had to go through such a long and agonizing journey to really figure out how to be happy. And the secret to happiness is to JUST BE. Be yourself, and live, and say the things you want to say, do the things you want to do, love the things you want to love regardless of if they love you back. Love yourself and love life. It is ok. You will be ok. I will be ok.

This picture is the moment in which that spark lit up the rest of my mind. When EVERYTHING was pitch black and nothing could be seen

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Goals goals goals

well aside from my terrible living situation and getting out of that, let's see where my goals are headed. I no longer want to be a pro bodybuilder, but I want to be bodybuilder. I no longer want to be a pro dancer, but I want to be a dancer. Do I still want to make it in a band? I think so. I at least want to play shows. I would definitely be satisfied with that. I would LOVE to tour. However, do I NEED to tour? I am not sure. After accomplish that what will I do? Well, dancing, bodybuilding, modeling, and art in general are just things that I love to do and I will always do. So what then is my true goal in life. "My purpose is to embody the expression of love from one another through sound, movement, pleasure, contact, and connection." Ok, that is what will make me happy! I have got the sound portion down, the movement and physical portion down. I need to get the charismatic/social aspect of that down....Then will I be happy? Will that be it? Keep doing that? In essence, to share what I love with someone who loves it like I do. So love will make me happy in life. My goal is to find "true love." I have most of the ground-work taken care of. I mainly need to focus on presentation, knowledge, and charisma. Gaining knowledge will easily lay the foundation out for charisma which in turn will flow into presentation. Simple formula. So I will focus on gaining knowledge.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

New people New things

I don't want to keep doing the same cyclical patterns. I want to go out and do different things and meet new people. Once I get money I will do this.

Goals and bodyart

Recently I have taken a break from all my passions and art. This is the very first time that I did so with ease. I finally let it come. It definitely benefitted me and from doing so, new goals are starting to form. I now have specific bodybuilding goals and music goals/projects are starting to form/ In addition I want to start exploring the world of body art and modeling. Sometimes I have to do things a couple of times before they really click. I do bodybulding poses all of the time and its because I have a strong fascination with human anatomy and I am finally realizing this/am not afraid to express it. Lately I've been looking at a lot of nude art because it excites me. Theres so much beauty being everyone yet society keeps us covered all the time. I would like to explore the uncovered art of the human body. I talked about how happiness lowered shields and made us vulnerable and open, well so does being naked. Is this connection a coincidence? I don't think so. I want to explore the uncovered art of the body in the form of modeling and movement (dancing).

Balance and the application of my art

I am truly realizing that I need to be balanced. When I am balanced I feel relaxed and at ease. Being balanced can mean a lot of different tings that can be applied in many ways. The important thing about balance is that it keeps everything special and fresh. I have too many interests because the world is so vast. How can I devote myself o one or two things? I know some people can but that is not me. Balance is strong but not overwhelming and it is the gateway to the rest of the world...literally

Happiness = drunkness in a matter of speaking

When you are drunk, you don't care. They say a drunk mind is a sober heart and that's true. When you are drunk, your shields are lowered and you become vulnerable; but you know what? You undoubtedly have a great time because you are happy. From one night of band practice followed by drinking I realized that happiness is the truest form of power. When I am happy, I don't care. When I am happy, I am open and vulnerable, but I don't care because I am having a great time. Being happy is the key to connection. I wanted to learn to be/act drunk without drinking because when I would be drunk I would say and do things I never would sober. I have finally figured out the formula to doing so. Being happy! A natural state of being high. This is why I live my life, to chase the feeling of being high. That is what keeps me going and I chase that feeling in many different ways but just like everything else, doing the same thing over and over again becomes boring...which leads me to my next topic...


I have to do me! I feel too pressured and conflicted when people expect more than that from me. I have to do me and all I can ask is that people understand that. I think this is why I have been so indecisive and I think I am going through a critical turning point in m y life. I have never trusted myself or my actions. I am finally learning what it means to be a free adult. All my years before this I have been restricted by parents, family, society, friends, and most of all myself. I have been living on my own since february. So that is a total of 4 months. This has been a huge period of indecisiveness because for the first time, my brain is working independently to develop self trust. I am only one person and how the hell can one person please everyone around them? They either can't or they can by just being themselves and hopefully friends and family will understand, support, and accept that. Isn't that what friends and family are for? I think so. When my friends and family are accepting in that nature, it really reassures that I am doing the right thing- in this case being and trusting myself. Only in these last few months of my life have I started to realize what it means to be myself. I am not quite there yet and think it will take a good year or so to reach that level. Finally, all this indecisiveness is dwindling and I am welcoming that. I have to trust myself to be free and love life.

Friday, June 10, 2011

New music/art project coming

Ok, so I recently traded my guitar for a bass for a few days and now that I started playing again, I got incredibly "inspired." I put inspired in quotes because nothing in particular drove me to write at that moment, I just felt like playing and did and came up with something quite cool. I have been listening to a lot of video game music. Mostly final fantasy 7 and 9, silent hill, and suikoden. Those are my biggest inspirations at the moment and the music I am writing will basically sound like those. This is an area of music ive been wanting to explore for a long time but never had the ear for it. Well I think it is coming together now.

My idea is to make an album that has a script behind it so that the story can be illustrated and come to life in different mediums. I find that writing singles is usually not enough for me and then even writing an album is not enough for me. I really want to go beyond the norm for releasing music. I am not a musician I am an artist, and I want to share my ideas with other artists as well and hopefully they can contribute and add to them. The script will be about fictional characters, the main character will be based off of me. The main character will go through life ready to take on the world and explore and go through his own journey. He will realize what love is and what he truly desires after many lengthy puzzling times and even some hard times. I am not sure where the conclusion is headed quite yet, but basically it's about me after "the beckoning lake" chapter of my life which shows all my confusion and chaos amongst social anxiety, stress, tension, and getting through that. Now I am basically picking up where I left off.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Forgotten love

I just watched a movie called Cashback which got my brain working again. It reminded me of love. I forgot what love was, I forgot how important love is. Love is what drives a human being whether it is towards a girl, goal, or any other mission. I think part of my fascination for bodybuilding comes from the love of the human body in its physical sense. I also have a love for the female body which is something I have been wanting to explore in an artistic sense but am not sure how. When I picked up drawing that was the first and only thing I really wanted to draw, but that was a year ago. I don't think drawing is for me. Love for ________ is what drives me to make music. Have I forgotten why I started to write music in the first place? Have I never known? What is it that I love that keeps me drawn to it? I think I need to figure that out at this moment. I know I also love connecting with people in many/all ways. I feel that is true love. And then the true love can be broken down into different types of love, but in the end it is all love.

I am also noticing phases in my life and how my art has played a role. Music has helped me overcome social anxiety, BBing has helped me overcome a lack of confidence and power, dancing has helped me overcome...well I'm not sure yet, but it is fun! I feel like every so often something new is going to come about and change me for the better. It seems to be happening in cycles. This is why I love art, and it is only until the day that I die that it will all be completed. That is the only time someone can truly see me for who I was.

I feel that I dream too much sometimes. When I dream too much the dreams keep changing into something else until they become very skewed. I need to realize my long term and short term dreams, write them down, and repeat them to myself daily. I need to get my dreams back because I have either lost touch with them or never achieved them in the first place. That is where my lack of decision has been coming from lately. this is why it is important to have goals.

things to brainstorm
-why I love music
-new art to pursue
-what are my dreams

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Who am I?


Lol, but enough of that. I just gotta follow what I want to follow. It's that simple and I am trying to figure out what to do in the near future. I think the music thing will take a rest, but I will be practicing a bit; maybe an hour per day. I think I will do some planning musically speaking and then put it to action when I am ready, maybe in a month or so?

I have bodybuilding goals at the moment and that is what I want to focus on. I really want to get big more than anything. First things first I need to get my life in order and it should be fine in a month. So let's fast forward. Aside from my bbing goals, what do I want to do?

Well the main thing is, I want new friends and I really want a girlfriend. However, if I don't have those I should occupy myself with other things/ I've dont that in the past and it was definitely a good idea, however I did that with guitar playing. I think I want something new to try out or balance a couple of things. I think I am done with focusing ALL my time into a skill or craft. Ad nauseum. I will be brainstorming some topics/ideas for a few days at least

Monday, June 6, 2011

before the vision

Oh, God, am I going crazy
What is happening to me, I need some answers
I've been chosen by the darkest force in nature
But why, why me?

Call of the spirits:
Go now, into the plains
Seek out, the answers you'll find
Visions will be shown to you
At night by the lit desert moon

Be strong, ride forth in pride
Our destiny, lies in your hands
Visions will be shown to you
You're truly his chosen one

This is the path that I chose

willingness to learn does not mean willingness to submit to the ideas of others. On the contrary one should be strong about what they are learning and truly see the knowledge/wisdom as it is, and not in a submissive state nor a dominant state.

Feeling and believing others know more or better than I....That has been my mistake. WHy is this a mistake? Because my thoughts stop focusing on what I REALLY want. Sure I can say what I want when people ask me questions, and I can say what I want in the face of a crowd, and say what I want in different situations. But only one of those situations is correct. That is when I ask myself what I want.

I know what my music means. It is the first of many things to complete me. I have fulfilled and expressed myself beyond a limit I thought imaginable. It's not about liking the music, writing good music, writing bad music. It's about writing what I write because that will help me figure out the important things about myself and in life. It ain't about being a musician, an artist, a this a that. It's about expressing myself and learning. Who gives a fuck if you make the coolest music? The weirdest art piece, the avant garde. Why does that shit matter? To fulfill an ego? Well for some its just the way they want to go and don't know any other way. I however am different. There are many ways in which I still want to express myself. My music was a push in the right direction. However, the road in which I am on may not be what others would expect. They expect me to follow the norms that are perceived as odd, weird, deviant etc. What they don't expect is that I follow myself. The path that I chose. Not what they chose.

All my friends tell me I should not quit music, I should keep going, I should I should I should. I should never give up my guitar, look at what I have done with it, look at what I am doing with music....Yea not satisfying myself. I am making an ultimatum nor am I saying I will quit anything. They say these things because they are my friends. They are trying to tell me what they would do based on the limited knowledge they actually have about my personal life. However, that is what is different between a person and a friend. That's why it is a relationship. It is not an EQUILIBRIUM

For this I thank my friends, for them trying to show their support. However, it may end up being the wrong kind of support. Let me explain something. I am a man of balance. Strength and Balance are my two grounding points. They are what create my equilibrium. That is what I do know. I have done music non stop for 9 years. Is that balanced? Is that strong? That is strong. Very strong. So where do I go from here? I need to balance it out. I have been working on that by bodybuilding, but it is not quite there. I still need more. I am the kind of person that gets bored doing the same things over and over again. In music I feel that's all I'm doing. Expressing myself in the same way over and over again, in cyclical nature. And I am willing to bet the same thing will happen with bodybuilding, but you never know. Aside from the sport/art aspect of it there's the well being part that will ALWAYS appeal to me. I think a crazy person is someone who can do the same thing day in and day out and not go insane, hehe. Music has been a stepping stone to me and this is how I identify it as one. The whole reason I really started music was because of my social anxiety. So in effect I created this relationship with music. It wasn't necessarily EXACTLY what I wanted but it was great and the sex was amazing haha. Social anxiety stopped me from expressing myself in many different ways. THIS is why my future has been so clouded. I felt the need to do things and express myself, but I never did except through music because I couldn't face anything else. The desire was always there. It was never acted upon. It was suppressed for 20 fucking years. Can any of you really understand this? All actions and desires you want to do you did NOT do for the first 20 years of your life. 20 years. You know how much I missed out on? You see why I can't devote myself to one fucking thing in my life? It's not a matter of catching up for lost time, but it is a matter of going on an expedition to all the other continents. It's as if I traveled to Europe and stayed in 5 different countries, and everyone likes me and I like them and we had great times. And then I really want to go somewhere else because that is all I wanted to do with myself in the first place. To travel and experience the world. Not to travel and experience 5 countries in Europe. Do you understand how crippling the social anxiety was? It was really like a prison. I had no way out of Europe. It was barred off by a forcefield, something keeping me there....nothing but fear. That's how my life has felt for 20/21 years of my life, and Im barely in my 21st year as it is. So anyway, I had this 9 year relationship with music because I was too afraid to do anything else or be someone else. For those who have been in a relationship for a long time, you know that it's hard to just let it go, forget about it, and in fact you probably never will completely. That is how I feel at the moment. I can't stay because I am obligated to, I can't pay it the attention I used to. Why? because I did that for a reason, to fight against fear, and now the fear is gone. All my music has been is a fight against fear. The social anxiety ate at me, and still left a few scars on me. My eyes have been obscured as well. Because of focusing only on music I have lost sight of everything else I wanted to do, everything else I dreamed of, everything else I COULD be dreaming of. That is why I feel lost at the moment. It's like having a blackness all about your mind, and being unable to see. Then suddenly you break through that blackness and in front of you is the bright sun and the rest of the world that you have been missing. Where do you go first???? WHERE DO YOU GO FIRST?!?!?! You will inevitably go somewhere, and I highly doubt you will go back to the blackness. The simple yet unfulfilled portion of life that "raised" you to be you.

This is why I am different from others and people don't really realize that. This is what I have a hard time explaining to everyone and yet it is also what some people seem to not be interested in hearing. No one understands why I go through what I do except for me, and if they did know the true extent of what I went through they would understand where I am coming from and why I am so indecisive and picky and what not. I never had the opportunity to experience anything except with a guitar in my hands. Can you imagine living in a world so restricted for so long, then finally battling HARD your way through, and getting to the other side of the wall? Once you are over that wall, it's time to get your way into the world. The wall was invisible, made of air, imaginary. And now on the other side, you see where everyone else is, you see the buildings, the streets, the places, the activities, the hauntings, the joys and beauties. You see it all. All you are equipped with is the knowledge of that of a fighter and that of fear. Where do you go, what do you do? EVERYONE WILL WANT TO KNOW, EVERYONE WILL ASK YOU CONSTANTLY, EVERYONE WILL TELL YOU CONSTANTLY because maybe that is how THEY got to this world. But did you listen to everyone else in order to get to the new world? No. You fought hard to break through the fucking wall. So now the question is....How will you learn? How will you be you?

Do or do not...there is not try

Friday, June 3, 2011

Truth-self-truth-themselves-truth-share-truth feeds back

ARGH! All I have to do, and should have done is be truthful to myself! I should have realized this. Writing in this blog just shows HOW MUCH really goes on in my head, but this isn't even a fraction of it either. I feel like I will go insane without art. If I could not project all these thoughts I have in some way I would be lost. THat's why I feel lost when I don't do art. Art gives direction. It is my blue print for life. Now the goal is to actually support that with a job/career. I have the foundations laid out for me.

So why the hell have I gone through all this shit in the passed few days? Simply-put, I forgot what was important to me. I forgot what held true value. It's not music, dancing, is concepts like truth/honesty, pride, ego, dedication, happiness, stress. Probably a few others to name as well. The only thing I have to worry about in life is forgetting what is important to me.

My next post will be about self awareness, acknowledging, and acting.
I will also be starting a self help/improvement book/blog or something of the sort. This time it will be as professional as I can make it as opposed to rambling.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

I dont want to create for myself

I have a blank piece of paper, yet feel no need to creatively write. I think I may have burned myself out and that almost makes me feel alive. It hurts and depresses me but the feeling is overwhelming. I have always wanted to "go somewhere" or "be somebody" and yet when I reach the pinnacle I lose all passion. Am I done with performing arts? How could I be done if I barely experienced it? What the hell would I do without them? My wholel ife I wanted to be unique, different, and better than others. My wholse life I wanted to impress others. My whole life I have battled to be that I am free Im indifferent? I have no will or reason to fight anymore. I think that is was fueled my creativity and motivation. I had a need to become who I am. Now that I have, I am confused and don't know where music fits in to the equation.I really feel I just need a break, but why do I feel a need for break when opportunity arises (humanity falls)? I have no reason to fight for my freedom anymore. I am free, so now where do I go? What do I do? Who do I become.......

One thing I have figured out is that I don't want to make music for my own satisfaction anymore, and have very little if anything at all to express creatively

Tuesday, May 31, 2011


What is it to create a deep "love connection" with someone? Connection is something I have talked a lot about in the past and I do feel that connecting with someone, especially on an intimate level is what love really is. The way to develop this intimate relation with someone is to completely strip your veils. Any kind of veils, mental, emotional, spiritual, even physical. the idea is to eliminate yourself of any falsehoods and self deceptions. Once these are stripped away, you are to talk about anything and everything. To share things you "normally wouldn't." After going from subject to subject, you will find things that make you uncomfortable to talk about and you can share those too. Why would you do that? Simply because that is how you will ever feel so safe with someone that you can ask anything and get an emotionally honest answer, and I stress anything. You cast away your veils when you have nothing else to hide. When the other person shares with you, you must accept them wholeheartedly/unconditionally and let them know. Keep your heart open and quietly observe unbiased.

Through this process, the most beautiful spectacle is formed. I feel there is nothing more powerful than becoming "one" with someone else. This is just one of many steps too. It's one thing I strive for in my life and wish that other people would too

New Beginnings? What is my purpose?

My purpose is to embody the expression of love from one another through sound, movement, pleasure, contact, and communication.

Now, where is this all coming from? I have been lost recently, which has probably happened as a result of many factors. However, I am on the path to getting myself back and realizing what it is that I love. I felt enlightened for a period of time, but that does not mean much if I don't take that and keep it and update it. I saw an exercise on a website that basically said to take 20 minutes (approximation of course) and write an answer to the question, "What is my purpose?" and keep writing answers until you find the one that makes you cry. That is what I did and I would like to copy what I wrote in just a minute. I did not find the answer that made me cry, because I know I am not going to cry from finding something like this out, especially because I believe I already knew it, but just forgot about it/lost it. After taking time to meditate I found the answer that truly resonated within me and the one that metaphorically made me cry. That answer was the above. Here is how my exercicse went:

What is my purpose in life?
to be
to become
to write beautiful music
to fulfill myself
to connect with others
to express happiness
to be strong
to be a great dancer
to bodybuild and look and feel sexy
I want to be free
I want to connect with the world
to transcend limitations
to evoke the emotions I feel from listening to music through writing my own
to be adaptable
to grow and surpass others
to share myself with others
to love myself and people
to actively love
to feel love
to feel arms holding me
to give myself up to someone
to dream, to live my dream
to create a world of happiness
to live in love with someone
to live in varying degrees of love with people
to be loved
to feel love, received and given
to become lost (as when I meditate with music) with a female
to share a blissful feeling of love with a woman
to physically experience how love feels and embody another person
to embody personal love
to seek love through sound, movement, pleasure, contact of another being as well as from within myself

My purpose is to embody the expression of love from one another through sound, movement, pleasure, contact, and connection.

I easily cut out all the superficial stuff rather quickly, all the things that bear no - little meaning. I started dealing with real words/concepts that I could feel strongly with. then I hit the central theme of love, and I very much want to love and be loved. However, the ways in which I want to be loved and love are what matters. From this exercise I have learned that my true passion/art/connection is love. My mediums are what I mentioned above, sound, movement, pleasure, contact, and connection. Now to make those more practical/rational we can separate and categorize them. Before I do that, however I want to just make a point, that this answer is nothing new or surprising. In fact it goes to deal with the very essence of every human soul. It is just specifically individual to me because I am the one that came up with the answer. All of these represent the 5 senses and the core of an also bridges the gap between 0 and 1. By that I mean without anyone, we are nothing, but when we are fully embodied by another, we are one (with that person). Thus the 5 senses are what hold us together. People are always looking to satisfy their senses. Beyond the need for survival, that is what comes next. Some of us like to do so in shocking contexts or some crazy method, but not everyone does. And many people want to please the senses in smaller easier ideas. So for me, it breaks down as so:

Sound- hear
movement- see
pleasure- taste/smell
contact- feel
connection- love

This formula should be applied to two or more people. For me specifically, I want someone who wants to fulfill all 5 senses in that way. These 5 senses are my mediums for art and creating. I have been thinking too strictly about my passions. I would think, what medium should I use to create music? Wrong. What medium should I use to please my (and others') sense of hearing? That is a much more definite and strong answer. Get the idea?

Sound- I want to produce music/sound that I and others enjoy. I want to enjoy the music/sound others create.

Movement- I want to produce visual art in some form (photography, dancing, drawing, painting, animation etc etc) that others can relate to and feel good about watching. In the same respect I want to watch things that make me feel good.

Pleasure- I want to taste and smell that which makes me aroused or gives me the feeling of being high other than from listening and watching. I want to experience this from others.

Contact- I want to feel the touch of other people in a way that shines on my self and body. I want to give the most endearing touch to others.

Connection- I want to love and be loved.

these I refer to as the 5 suns, and on a female or someone who I am greatly attracted to/in love with they are the 5 moons. These opposites attract and in the middle is the core of strength and balance. Sound familiar? Magnets, the earth. Life is formulaic. We all are part of a mold so it is just a matter of filling the mold to our liking. We are all part of the same organism.
so where does this leave me with my guitar playing, dancing, and bodybuilding? I still have some thinking to do about all that...but I think I need to create that which others can enjoy equally as myself because that is my purpose.

Feeling conflicted/giving up

Here we go again...could this be another phase? May be these phases are signs to tell me my path is wrong. All my life I have felt the need and will to play guitar and to write music. Now I feel like it may be coming to a halt. I am so confused about writing and creating that I dont even know what questions to start asking. The act of playing and doing what I do is fun....but what about the art of creating? May be I am creating for the wrong reasons. What more is there? Is it that I just want a chance to perform? Well I have performed before (open mics, nothing big) and it was exactly how I expected it to be. May be a performance art is not what I should be involved in. Or may be I should just not perform, or think about it.

I had a dream...It was dark, I was up in CT supposedly where my grandparents live. We were all at a party and these people one of my friends knew came to the house in vans. All dressed in black with guns and knives. All they wanted to do was kill everyone/terrorize them because of something stupid my friend had said. So I was in close contact with two of my friends and I tried to survive on my own....and I EASILY did. I was smart about where to hide, when to move, how to move. I pretty much kept hiding in different blocks/areas of the neighborhood. I wasn't even scared in my dream. I was just doing what I had to do. In the end, I was one of the very few who did not end up getting hurt, and then the "evil ones" left. I didn't feel bad that I came out virtually unscathed. I felt like I should. Confident. Not proud, not happy, not thankful, not grateful. I just felt like this strong person.

What information can I get from this? This could metaphorically represent my musical journey to this date. I am not sure where to go from here. Should I pick up a new medium, should I drop guitar? WHY? Why would I do that? what would it change? I would still be the same person.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

back to writing

Life is a what you want, when you want. Be yourself. Have fun. Fill your soul.

Writing a lot of new material, hugely inspired by Om and DSO. Should be some cool sounding stuff

Friday, May 20, 2011

I am starting to feel very little need

to continue writing in my blogs. I found out a lot about myself through this and that was my goal. I feel like I know what I need to do to bring out the best in me, so now all there is to it is to do it.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

likes and dislikes and how to change

likes and dislikes and how to change

i like my creativity
practicing hours a day
dancing for the love of it

I dont like
not being assertive
not being lively in my social encounters
not thinking fast
not engaging others well enough

how to start being assertive
make small decisions each day that I normally wouldn't

how to be more lively in social encounters
make eye contact
use more body language, more than just hand signs. Move body.
change tone of voice. Make it carry out more
communicate energy

how to think fast
just do it

how to engage others more efficiently
show them that I have something interesting to say
show them that I am interested in what they have to share
give them material to feed off of
be excited through speech

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

depression again (cyclical)

Been feelin depressed today/ yesterday. I think it may be a sort of monthly cycle. I have some big plans for music in the near future that I will refrain from talking about with people until they are actually done.

La Luna Llena- danceable, ambience, positive emotion-driven music
Anthromorphic- extreme death metal taken outside of all death metal boundaries
humanity falls- breaking boundaries of death metal
sludge/death band- heaviness/ugliness

Friday, April 15, 2011

My first long face in a long time

It has been a while since I felt depressed, and I guess I am over due for it. There is always depression at some point to balance out all the positivity; it's just a matter of maintaining equilibrium.

Being assertive is very challenging, especially when I do not have anyone to really guide me. I have been turning into a leader/role model for a lot of my friends, as well as a guide, but now I feel like I need someone to guide me once again.

Monday, April 4, 2011

updates, updates, and more updates

Well now, I am a little stuck, a little motivated, a little inspired, a little anxious, and a little ready to give art my all. First and foremost, losing my job has put me in a position of instabililty. I need to get that back asap. Once I do that, then I can put all the other pieces back together.

I am considering making a totally new blog with a new account. One for a "professional" name for myself. The blogs I have been writing are the very most personal things I have ever written and that is why they are not good material to show the general public. At this moment, most people that even read my blogs are my closest friends and I think I will keep it that way. These blogs are for my close friends to see what is going on inside my mind.

My younger brother/friend Thiago has been making many releases, and recently he started a real blog for his music, he also has a youtube page of all his music and his music is getting great feedback. This is where I need to get to if I want to do anything with my music. I do have an album and plan to be writing much more. However, like usual, all my friends seem to be ahead of me. I am the odd ball in the group in that I do things at a much different pace than others, such as going to school or learning a new hobby

I have always been behind and unsure in life. Lately I have been morphing my mind to start thinking a lot more assertively. People in my dance classes have even told me the same thing, to be more assertive when I dance. Well that has never been part of my personality up until now. So from now on, I have to work towards making a name for myself. Every day, or mostly every day I have to focus my energy into any little thing that will help me get to this. Even something as small as organizing my music files. Any little thing will help.

right now, my inspiration to writing is coming from dancing!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Need some inspiration

Well, I have the motivation, I have the practicing and my skills back, now I just need some inspiration to write.

My next album idea is as follows: I plan to make it like a progression. It is going to start of very simply and bright. I will start with just solo guitar, at first one guitar, then I will slowly ad other instrumnts, and slowly make some nice counter parts and melodies. Then it will go into a silent hill esque vibe withambient drums. From there it will go to a brighter cleaner and happier sound, much influnced by bachata. After that it will start going to kind of metal ballads, and then progresively get heavier and more complex with rhtyhms and percussion and everything else, ultimately spanning to an ulcerate/DSO sound.

This is going to be one crazy and long album to complete. I think I will take small steps with making this album. Well I should call this a project and just release albums in the meantime.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

I think all I needed was a break, and now to become involved in a scene

So, I was getting worn out with guitar and music and decided it was time to take a break. A few hours after coming to tht decision, I felt that it was time to play again! Well, I learned something here. I was tired of being forced/pressured to play, not of playing itself. That being said, I am going to start some good practicing again and really paying attention to my playing and the more technical aspects. For instance, my vibrato technique, it has always been pretty awful. I will also be focusing a lot more on my legato. I still need to brush up on picking between strings, including trem picking. Then I need to practice my bends. For now, those are the major things that need work.

I will also stop looking at practicing as something I "have" to do. Because it isn't. Nothing in the world is. However, it is something that I want to do.

Another topic I would like to brush upon is organization. This is going to be the skill that is fundamental to all areas of succcess in life. When things are organized, I can easily shift from one thing to another, make any necessary ajustments, and just feel at ease with. Before I moved on my own, I was a freakin mess and now that half my shit is STILL packed up I am pretty much organized a lot better. I think I will start fresh and keep it this way. Also, not having access to my computer's hard drive is helping with this because god knows, thats a mess too.

Weekly improv videos. This was inspired from my brother and it is basically his idea. Why the hell I never thought of doing this before is beyond me. This will give me a chance to show people what I am working on besides all the super obscure music that no one gets to hear as well as a reference point to learn from and better my playing.

I am also going to start lesson videos! My long term goal is to have a whole archive of extensive videos and lessons on a website that people can sign up for. I will also have demo vids for the people that are skeptical. I am looking to work with people of all skill levels for these. I am also going to start working on my website articles (lessons) since that is going to be the bulk of my website. The rest will just be info about me and all that (so far).

The point of doingall these things is to take small stes into getting my name out there. I want to share with people this long journey I have gone through to get to where I am. It will also be a great networking tool.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Inspiration dwindling? What I make of it

My inspiration to play has dwindled greatly. I write and play because I have things to express, mostly feelings of some sort of negativity. I very rarely write happy songs and what not. Well, at this point in my life I am actually very happy and not stressed out and that is showing as I don't have that same drive to write anymore. part of this is also due to exploring different things, which have had some influence on what I do play when I do. My braing is transitioning to focusing on dance a lot more than music at this point. This has been very hard for me to accept. Through all my life in music I have always been disciplined to practice practice and practice, as well as pushing myself to write creatively and to the best of my ability. But what do I do when those feelings start going away? Well, what I am doing now is refocusing my energy. I don't want to fulfill only the music side of myself, as there is too much I would miss in life. Also, fulfilling other feelings, activities, hobbies, and what have you will add to the music side of me anyway. Life and all its qualities are synergistic to what you love doing. If you love doing something, then anything and everything will affect it.

Friday, February 25, 2011

My new hobby: fulfilling my personality

one thought leads to another
A while ago I wrote in my phone about what qualities i would like to express to other people and the liste I came up with is as follows:
well mannered
down to earth
The 5 things that I need to greatly work on are as follows:

I came up with a small equation
Cheerfulness + intelligence + humor = charismatic. A greatly charismatic person = fun

What would my life be like without hovvies or passions? I imagine just like everyone else's. I feel as that is the main thing that separates me from others. I am at a point where I am thinking of something new to pursue and coming up blank. I think that a lot of people get to this point and give up; thus they just live and do "fun and dumb" activities. Passion is what gives me reason to live. It makes me thrive
Without passion, connection between others becomes more frequent yet less inense. I now know what I am looking for in a girlfriend and best friend, and that is passion.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

12th stage

Upon writing this, I realized, I do not know how to spell 12th. I think its twelveth. This is a continuation of another post, the stages of my life. I am entering yet another stage. that stage consists of charisma and professionalism. It is time for me to figure out how to really reach out to others and to vocalize myself.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Enlightened weekend!

Ok, So my man Thiago spent the weekend at my house. I will skip to the highlights of the weekend. We had our first jam the first day he was here. I was on my guitar, him on keyboards. It was great to play with him and to play with a different style of keys than I am used to (jamming with my brother). We hit up some good free form melodic ambient esque music. At the end of this, I was very tired because, well, ambient music just puts me to sleep! Our second jam was with Circle of Insanity, my "black metal" project with Eston. We jammed our first song right away and holy shit it went nearly perfect, for a jam! It was amazing and I truly felt alive in the music with the added bass and vocals. This practice went really productive and I feel like we are truly making progress being that it was our third rehearsal. I have learned a lot on guitar and I am finally able to use a lot of that in music with other people. I am so happy all the countless hours I had put in in the passed years to practice really paid off. HARD WORK PAYS OFF!!!!! I pushed myself at that practice and the next jam session I had. I am getting closer and closer to the skill level I want to be at. I am realizing that when I am home and practicing I don't always play very clean or perfectly or I don't have much energy, but when I am in a band or playing with others I obligate myself and play how I should. My friends all have very nice things to say about my guitar playing and I appreciate it so much, however, I feel like it isn't anything special. I feel many many other people could easily achieve what I have, and so many people have done that and lots lots more. It doesn't seem that most people understand that, but hey so what. I guess I am a good guitar player. At the very least I stay true to what I like to play, and that is the most important thing in art.

The last two jam sessions I had were probably the best (aside from circle of insanity practice). The second to last one was an acoustic jam. We played my classical and acoustic electric. It was very meditative and intense. I really loved this one because it seemed like Thiago really connected with what I was playing. It was fun to let loose with someone else on the classical. It feels meaningless to do it when I am alone except for practice, it's kinda like having a conversation with yourself, what's the point? Then the last jam sessions was me Thiago and my brother. This one was very cool however a bit chaotic, but I guess that is expect with 3 people who have rather varied and odd tastes in music.

Aside from the jam sessions, we had some very stimulating conversations of the universe and life. I felt as though I was somewhat of a mentor to Thiago. I was spewing a lot of "wisdom" which it seemed as though he took a lot of it to heart, and I hope he did, because a lot of what I was saying rings true for many, if not all aspects of life. It was great to develop a bit of relationship that way, it also help me understand more of what I was saying because talking about things will do that in general.

The last thing I would like to mention is the very first listening of The Beckoning Lake with the cello track and my second listening of John Coltrane- MFT live in japan. Both were great listening experiences. Listening to these was a bit more familiar to me so it's not like I had a new enlightening experience. It was a lot of reinforcement this time.