An Ethereal Guitarist's Path

Monday, June 6, 2011

This is the path that I chose

willingness to learn does not mean willingness to submit to the ideas of others. On the contrary one should be strong about what they are learning and truly see the knowledge/wisdom as it is, and not in a submissive state nor a dominant state.

Feeling and believing others know more or better than I....That has been my mistake. WHy is this a mistake? Because my thoughts stop focusing on what I REALLY want. Sure I can say what I want when people ask me questions, and I can say what I want in the face of a crowd, and say what I want in different situations. But only one of those situations is correct. That is when I ask myself what I want.

I know what my music means. It is the first of many things to complete me. I have fulfilled and expressed myself beyond a limit I thought imaginable. It's not about liking the music, writing good music, writing bad music. It's about writing what I write because that will help me figure out the important things about myself and in life. It ain't about being a musician, an artist, a this a that. It's about expressing myself and learning. Who gives a fuck if you make the coolest music? The weirdest art piece, the avant garde. Why does that shit matter? To fulfill an ego? Well for some its just the way they want to go and don't know any other way. I however am different. There are many ways in which I still want to express myself. My music was a push in the right direction. However, the road in which I am on may not be what others would expect. They expect me to follow the norms that are perceived as odd, weird, deviant etc. What they don't expect is that I follow myself. The path that I chose. Not what they chose.

All my friends tell me I should not quit music, I should keep going, I should I should I should. I should never give up my guitar, look at what I have done with it, look at what I am doing with music....Yea not satisfying myself. I am making an ultimatum nor am I saying I will quit anything. They say these things because they are my friends. They are trying to tell me what they would do based on the limited knowledge they actually have about my personal life. However, that is what is different between a person and a friend. That's why it is a relationship. It is not an EQUILIBRIUM

For this I thank my friends, for them trying to show their support. However, it may end up being the wrong kind of support. Let me explain something. I am a man of balance. Strength and Balance are my two grounding points. They are what create my equilibrium. That is what I do know. I have done music non stop for 9 years. Is that balanced? Is that strong? That is strong. Very strong. So where do I go from here? I need to balance it out. I have been working on that by bodybuilding, but it is not quite there. I still need more. I am the kind of person that gets bored doing the same things over and over again. In music I feel that's all I'm doing. Expressing myself in the same way over and over again, in cyclical nature. And I am willing to bet the same thing will happen with bodybuilding, but you never know. Aside from the sport/art aspect of it there's the well being part that will ALWAYS appeal to me. I think a crazy person is someone who can do the same thing day in and day out and not go insane, hehe. Music has been a stepping stone to me and this is how I identify it as one. The whole reason I really started music was because of my social anxiety. So in effect I created this relationship with music. It wasn't necessarily EXACTLY what I wanted but it was great and the sex was amazing haha. Social anxiety stopped me from expressing myself in many different ways. THIS is why my future has been so clouded. I felt the need to do things and express myself, but I never did except through music because I couldn't face anything else. The desire was always there. It was never acted upon. It was suppressed for 20 fucking years. Can any of you really understand this? All actions and desires you want to do you did NOT do for the first 20 years of your life. 20 years. You know how much I missed out on? You see why I can't devote myself to one fucking thing in my life? It's not a matter of catching up for lost time, but it is a matter of going on an expedition to all the other continents. It's as if I traveled to Europe and stayed in 5 different countries, and everyone likes me and I like them and we had great times. And then I really want to go somewhere else because that is all I wanted to do with myself in the first place. To travel and experience the world. Not to travel and experience 5 countries in Europe. Do you understand how crippling the social anxiety was? It was really like a prison. I had no way out of Europe. It was barred off by a forcefield, something keeping me there....nothing but fear. That's how my life has felt for 20/21 years of my life, and Im barely in my 21st year as it is. So anyway, I had this 9 year relationship with music because I was too afraid to do anything else or be someone else. For those who have been in a relationship for a long time, you know that it's hard to just let it go, forget about it, and in fact you probably never will completely. That is how I feel at the moment. I can't stay because I am obligated to, I can't pay it the attention I used to. Why? because I did that for a reason, to fight against fear, and now the fear is gone. All my music has been is a fight against fear. The social anxiety ate at me, and still left a few scars on me. My eyes have been obscured as well. Because of focusing only on music I have lost sight of everything else I wanted to do, everything else I dreamed of, everything else I COULD be dreaming of. That is why I feel lost at the moment. It's like having a blackness all about your mind, and being unable to see. Then suddenly you break through that blackness and in front of you is the bright sun and the rest of the world that you have been missing. Where do you go first???? WHERE DO YOU GO FIRST?!?!?! You will inevitably go somewhere, and I highly doubt you will go back to the blackness. The simple yet unfulfilled portion of life that "raised" you to be you.

This is why I am different from others and people don't really realize that. This is what I have a hard time explaining to everyone and yet it is also what some people seem to not be interested in hearing. No one understands why I go through what I do except for me, and if they did know the true extent of what I went through they would understand where I am coming from and why I am so indecisive and picky and what not. I never had the opportunity to experience anything except with a guitar in my hands. Can you imagine living in a world so restricted for so long, then finally battling HARD your way through, and getting to the other side of the wall? Once you are over that wall, it's time to get your way into the world. The wall was invisible, made of air, imaginary. And now on the other side, you see where everyone else is, you see the buildings, the streets, the places, the activities, the hauntings, the joys and beauties. You see it all. All you are equipped with is the knowledge of that of a fighter and that of fear. Where do you go, what do you do? EVERYONE WILL WANT TO KNOW, EVERYONE WILL ASK YOU CONSTANTLY, EVERYONE WILL TELL YOU CONSTANTLY because maybe that is how THEY got to this world. But did you listen to everyone else in order to get to the new world? No. You fought hard to break through the fucking wall. So now the question is....How will you learn? How will you be you?

Do or do not...there is not try

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