Realization: Energy********

It seems that if I focus and put the energy into an art I will get that back. FOr instance, if a band is OK and I am listening to them, I have to focus in order to "get into" the music. I can choose to get into it and enjoy it or sit back and not feel anything from it. I notice that it is harder to do the former when I am tired. As far as rating whether or not a band is a favorite or how much I like them; well the easier it is for me to get into the band, the more I like them. If I don't have to force myself to feel the music then I like them a lot and it is one of my favorites.

This is why I have a hard time writing music. It is very difficult to write something that will DRAW me in and keep me there. That is why I want to do some bands and don't want to do others. This is why I keep going back and forth between music/guitar- because I never quite realized this. I am also tired a LOT of the time from bodybuilding/powerlifting because that takes a lot of energy out of me. I have noticed that when I take caffeine I feel more focused and better about myself, goals, music, and art. I feel more accepting to things. May be that is saying that I should use caffeine a bit more liberally, but may be not. I would not like to b ecome dependent on it and feel that would be a bad thing to do, however I do not know what else to do to combat this tiredness. I guess the debate comes down to, if you are pushing your body passed its limits, should you use outside forces to keep maintaining it? Or should you just keep everything as natural as possible? Perhaps I should do the former while I can. I have the energy now to do all these things and maybe that's how I should invest my time and money- 110% full force.

I have the opportunity to tour for a few months with Psyche Corporation, a band my brother is playing for and while I initially said yes, today I have been second guessing that decision- partly because I am tired. I am tired and when I am tired it is hard to focus on the things that I want to do. Think about that. So if being tired makes it hard to focus I need to fix that. Bodybuilding makes me terribly tired, but I will not stop that- I can't because I love it so much. If that is the case, outside supplements such as caffeine may have to come into my life. Is that so bad of a decision? It doesn't have to be constant to the point where I develop a dependency. I find it hilarious how I am seriously debating whether or not using caffeine would be a smart choice when so many bbers out there are on steroids, GH and a whole lot of other drugs- yet caffeine to me is like the dark side! HAH!



So my problem is that bodybuilding makes me very tired, but I can't stop doing it. Thus, when I am tired it is hard to focus on my arts and goals. Liking art is all about focusing on it and putting energy into that. How can I do that if I am tired all of the time? Well simply put, I can't unless I want to be miserable while doing it. So, how will I solve this issue, what solutions do I have?

Well I want to not be as tired and have the energy to pursue music, dance, and bodybuilding, as well as some sort of career. I want to stay healthy. So the only real solution I see at the moment is to lighten up on bodybuilding or to use energy boosters. How else can I achieve not being tired?




How did I realize this? Well today at work I had been thinking about Psyche Corporation and if I really wanted to play shows. I immediately started thinking that I don't want to play guitar anymore. Not recreationally. However, at the very least -playing guitar is a useful skill because it can be used as a gateway to other opportunities like meeting new people or networking and telling people of my passions. I am also going to use this as a gateway to ask Gen if I can be a dance performer for the band. Of course before I do that I will have to hone my dance skills quite a bit, and may be this will be my first real choreographic work that I wil do and have something to show. It will also most likely be my first performance piece- which is funny because not long ago I was saying how one of my goals is to perform dance later this year/early next year and I didn't think that was so likely to happen, but I now see a huge possibility in it....but why? Anyway, I digress. After I thought that I had not wanted to play guitar I just decided to listen to two songs I need to learn- just for the hell of it, and I'm like ok these are ok- whatever. But then I thought, well what about all the times when I would get excited about music and I would be really into it and the music would make me move? I pretended for a moment that I was not tired at all- that was a big factor as I am EXTREMELY tired today because my whole upper body has been sore for days. So anyway, I psyched myself up slightly and started moving to the musiv a little bit, or at least got the urge to. I am at work so it is hard to just bust a move without getting in trouble HAHA. And then that's when I realized "hey this could actually work and may be it wouldn't be so bad after all." Then I started thinking about how it used to be my dream to get on stage and perform music- and I have done that, however, not with a full band. I think I am finally done!