I lied, that wasnt the end

I feel I need to start writing, in more ways than one. There have been quite a few events that have happened recently in my life that are forcing me to learn something. First things first I want to just summarize my living situation.

A year ago, my father dies, a few months later I obtained a second job, a few months later I am forced- sporadically to move out on my own, a few months later, I move again because I cant afford rent, then I lose my second job and a few months later i move again because I can't afford rent.

What kind of an impact do you think it has on my life? Doesn't it seem logical that this would fuck up a lot of things mentally for myself? I've been poor, and without 2 parents, and I was in no way shape or form ready for it. I am only 21 and have barely gotten my feet wet with life. How can I be definite in a world of such uncertainty, instability, and a world where everyone speculates and theorizes more than practices? Think about all the articles on the internet that you "learn" from. Ok now, how much of that knowledge have you gained from experiencing what you read about? So how much knowledge do you REALLY have?

Where am I supposed to gain all this certainty and security from? How the hell should I know what to do with my life or what makes me happy at 21 years young? Isn't that why we try new things? Speaking of which, this leads me to my last two endeavors that fell apart, and before I even get into it, I think you can figure out why they fell apart (HINT: read above!).

I was asked by Humanity Falls to join as a bassist. I wanted to, but it just so happens that at this time I was pretty much losing all interest in music/death metal. WHAT?! HOW COULD THAT BE?! I thought steve was a sick musician. Yea yea yea, well besides from what I have already explained, that shit gets boring. Plain and simple. How the hell can I devote all my life/guitar playing time to death/extreme metal? Most of my friends wanted to start a death metal band, or black metal band, or some spin off of those, and I THOUGHT I had wanted to. But man oh man, look at all this amazing music you miss out on. Yea the musicianship and technicality is there in extreme music, but all it is is extreme. That's it. Fuck, I can't keep everything extreme all the damn time. I guess people seem to not understand that about me. I am a man of balance and a jack of all trades so to speak. What more do I have to gain from investing more years into extreme metal? I have been doing this for 9 years...it gets boring because the music is so limited in expression.

That being said I have let down both Eston and Ricky apparently and things have gone sour, so I need to learn from these experiences.



Well so far I have learned what I want to be. I want to be a multi artist. I can't just commit to one type of band (unless its open to the point where expression is not compromised). I also can't commit to one type of art because there's so much that I like in the world. Instead of getting overwhelmed by it all, I am going to make it all a part of me, much like bodybuilding and formerly music. Well music is still a part of me, but it's just going on a little break.