The stages of my life

So, up until this point of my life, I am finding there are a few definable stages I have been through which largely make me who I am. I want to take a look at these and examine where I have been, where I am, and where I am heading.

First stage: Martial arts. I started MA when I was very young and continued for a good 6-8 years. That is where I got the fighter in me to come out. This is where I learned discipline, hard work, and dedication.

Second stage: Music is born. The next stage I hit was listening to heavy music. This will be the biggest influence on my life I think, I always looked up to my brother and definitely copied whatever he listened to, haha, but I did truly like what I was listening to.

Third stage: Guitar. The music stage actually didn't lead me to learning the guitar. I saw my brother come home with a bass guitar and I thought it was soooo cool so I just decided to buy one myself.

fourth stage: Social anxiety starts to take its toll. I think I had social anxiety way prior to this, but by this time I was well into high school and it had a huge affect on me then. I didn''t really know it or wanted to admit it. I was always confused by my feelings. My social anxiety led me to alienate myself from others (thus exacerbating the effects of it), and always being alone in what I do. This also loed me to a lot of depression which in turn led to a lot of creativity

fifth stage: The positive stage. This is when I saw the website positivefeelingsrule.com The fact that there was a website dedicated towards things being positive changed my whole outlook on life. I think that website is ultimately what made me able to, later on, subjugate my depression and anxiety.

sixth stage: Practice practice practice. At this point in my life, guitar was no longer just an instrument. It waas my way of speaking, not verbally like most (social anxiety). I spent hours and hours practicing and playing''', I miss those days

seventh stage: College stage. I am not sure how college really helped me develop. I was still socially anxious, and my limiting group of friends seemed to somewhat understand that. I guess what I learned from being in college was to meet as many people as I can, something I greatly missed out on and think ahead.

eigth stage. Extreme change. Bodybuilding and full gear towards creating an album. I started bodybuilding and that changed me completely. It gave me a new found confidence as well as strength other than physical. It was another outlet and another way to separate myself from people as well as connect with others. For most of the two years that I have been bodybuilding, I have put it before making music because I feel it was something I had to seriously work on.

ninth stage: Undermind and The Beckoning Lake. This stage is the story about all the tension and anxiey I have had over the years and learning, twisting, changing, from it and letting it go. Subconsciously, that is what The Beckoning Lake is about. However, it is also about so much more

tenth stage: The fighter returns. i then got into martial arts again, but in general I just started fighting. I constantly had battles with myself as well as other people. I would make everything a competition so that I can strive to be better and better. This REALLY showed in bodybuilding, and at the present time, well my results compared to others, speak for themselves.

eleventh stage: Exploration. This is my time to start learning so many new things and getting absorbed into everything that I missed out on, such as reading, dancing, new music, connecting with people, being friendly etc etc. I am now heavily into music, bodybuilding, connecting with others, dancing, reading, etc etc. I am finally learning who I am to become.

Where am I going from here?

reading, humor, and more

For a long time, a lot of my life I have not been reading. Only now am I realizing how bad that really is. I do enjoy reading, but I usually don't make the time for it, partly because it takes so long to do. Reading not only will make you more knowledgable, but it will help you connect with everyone else. I am not going to break down the benefits of reading because I feel they are fairly obvious. However, what I will do, is state that I really need to get my ass in gear and play catch up!

Another issue that has been coming up is my lack of humor. It's not that I am completely bland and unfunny, its just that I tend to laugh at things that not everyone else does. I need/want to change that. Humor is another great way of connecting with people, and just like everything else I believe you can develop and build a sense of humor. I laugh at a lot of sarcasm, and that is also my strength when it comes to humor. I feel that so many jokes are dumb and not thought out, but so many people seem to laugh at them and well, may be I should learn to do the same. I find that when I am rested and not so stressed, I can laugh a LOT more and joke way more than when I am. I tend to get too rigid with myself and I think I confused that with maturity. I will learn to always remain a mature kid. I think that is the best balance possible.

For the first time, I am feeling like I should keep my blog a little more private (its not like I have a huge audience anyway). For some reason, I don't know if I am feeling vulnerable or what, I feel like I shouldn't or don't need to be sharing all of this with other people...lots of thinking to be had

INSPIRATION...FINALLY

Inspiration is a funny thing, yet it is very simple. Humans, by nature, tend to be very structured creatures of habits. Going by that, inspiration sounds hard to come by. Inspiration, creative inspiration, generally comes from doing things. The more you do, the more differently you do, the more inspiration that comes. This isn't the be all end all truth of inspiration, but I am finding it rings true within myself. Stagnation is no good! So what am I changing to be inspired? Well for once, I am making myself read! Reading has always been a weak point, and I tend to focus on my strengths more than my weakness, I guess that is pretty natural for many people. My comprehension skills are pretty behind, but it's never too late to improve. I am starting to read about my hobbies more. I want to expand my knowledge in depthly about them so I can have even deeper conversations or more well sophisticated and educated conversations. I also just read a start of a story that my friend wrote which has inspired me again to start writing....moving on

I am watching a Joe Haley interview (guitarist from Psycroptic, a technical death metal band). He is an amazing guitar player and song writer. Anyway, that isn't the point. One of the questions was what advice would he give to people wanting to learn guitar. I thought about the question too, and my answer is completely different, hehe. So I will try to answer that question now.

Want to learn to play the guitar? Here is my advice. Learn music, learn how to express yourself in many ways and practice practice practice. Do not look at the guitar as just a guitar, a 6 stringed instrument that plays musical notes. Do not limit yourself. Learn to be diverse and strong with what you play so you have an infinite range of possibilities in which you can express yourself. Practice slowly, analyze, and learn the guitar and music as if it were anything you love.

That is a very short answer and given the time I could make that into a long essay with much better organization and coherency. But my point is that everyone looks at the guitar as a "guitar" and they get caught up in typical cliches and expectations of it. I am guilty of that too. My advice to everyone is to break away from that.

Well, that's that for now. Bottom line is, if you want inspiration...do something, change something, dont stagnate. THE END

Planning for the future

At this point in my life, it is time to develop a plan, stick to it, and start doing it. Someone I greatly look up to and admire, Layne Norton is not only a professional natural bodybuilder, he also has a PHD and a wife. And guess what? He is only 28 years old. That to me is amazing. I am not saying that I want to be like him or do the same things, but I need to get my ass in gear. I want to achieve a lot and be well off in terms of a career and money. First things first, let me examine what skills I actually do have.

1. Guitar/music 8 years+ exp. Not very mainstreamed styles
2. fitness/bodybuilding 2 years + exp.
3. Dancing 1 month + exp.
4. ???
5. ???

Those are the three things that come to mind. I can make money by teaching in these areas. Guitar lessons would be the easiest start, and personal training will soon follow, perhaps by next summer. I would like to eventually become a great dancer and dance teacher, but that will probably take a solid 3 years or so to do (with constant practice).

So where do I go from here? I want to add more to that list, the question is just a matter of figuring out what. This is what I have to work with at the moment and I will have to make the best of these. I am 20 years old, almost 21 now. I want to have a very comfortable life by the time I am 30. By that I mean I want to be well established in different areas to the point where I can make money off of anything if I so chose. My plan is that the 9 years up until that point will be gradually progressing and getting BETTER...NOT WORSE. I will not accept that. Just like there is a certain level of guitar playing and bodybuilding I refuse to never get down to again, I will not get to a worse situation money-wise, than I am in now. I have to stay on top.

So, now that that is out of the way I want to make a plan for the next 9 years. First things first I will start with a long term goal, however I still don't have the clearest idea of what I want that to be. I will plan for a midpoint, and then several milestones in the near future.

Present: November 2010
Theracare
NRPL
1. Guitar/music 8 years+ exp. Not very mainstreamed styles
2. fitness/bodybuilding 2 years + exp.
3. Dancing 1 month + exp.
income: approx. 12k/year
Living: New rochelle
School: none
=======gutiar lessons

January 2010
1. Guitar/music 8 years+ exp. Not very mainstreamed styles
2. fitness/bodybuilding 2 years + exp.
3. Dancing 3 month + exp.
Theracare
NRPL
income: approx 12k/yea
Living: elsewhere
school: none
===work towards personal training


++++++6 months+++++++
June 2011
1. Guitar/music 8.5 years+ exp. Not very mainstreamed styles
2. fitness/bodybuilding 2.5 years + exp.
3. Dancing 9 month + exp.
Personal training

Theracare
NRPL???
income: approx 12k/yea
Living: elsewhere
school: none



By the time I am 26 years old, I want to have graduated college with a bachelors degree
That means I must enter School between 21- right before my birthday, and 22, right before my birthday.


to be continued...

Salsa dancing

Ok, time to have a reality check. I have been dancing salsa for one month. I have not been practicing very often either. I feel like I should be a salsa god by now. I want to be at the advanced level right now. One month. What have I learned in one month? How to lead a right and left turn, the basic step, an open break, cross body lead, cross body lead with a turn, and some shines. Well that's all good, but why am I still disappointed with the level I am at? Because I haven't been practicing!!! plain and simple. It is time to start practicing like it was guitar. Even if I don't practice salsa, I need to practice dancing. I need to just move my body and make it natural so I do not shy away with other people. I can't dance in front of people. It is one of those self conscious things that everyone seems to go through. I NEED TO BREAK THAT. My only concer is embarassment. WHy is being embarassed so unmotivating. Well, obviously embarassment is not a pleasant feeling. On the other hand it won't last forever and can in fact be a good motivator. Ok so what is the problem????

Things to start working on
-graceful movement (practice mostly slow)
-styling, moving my whole body to music
-feeling the music better (I had a problem counting the rhythm, but I have a grasp on it now)
-improvisation

random feelings...

things that I have missed out on...as a result of having had social anxiety
love
movies
dancing
socializing
being warm
travelling
meeting people
experiencing other cultures
leading my life

it seems that I am trying to rush what I am doing, or perhaps I am pushing and judging myself a bit too hard. Being a harsh judge is good for making progress, but it can also discourage you from doing what you want. Everything takes time, progressive overload, and gradual progress to develop. This is one thing I am starting to learn. In my case, I rush things (just not blindly). When I start something new I have a tendency to want to progress hard and immediately. I am noticing it is both good and bad. Good because I will make progress faster and bad because I can easily get burnt out or discouraged from it.

An even deeper question persists...will catching up with all that I have missed out solve my problem? Are these everything that I want in life?

I was feeling depressed earlier today. I think it is because that I do not know what it is that I want out of life. This has been my ultimate question I have been seeking an answer to (and that may be the problem). I thought I wanted to be a musician, then a bodybuilder, or may be I could be normal. May be I am just a fighter and need to realize that. May be it doesn't matter what I do as long as I am progressing in something. It is really hard to grasp that concept after having a solid foundation in music and being absorbed into it 100% for most of that time.

I can choose anything to give meaning to for my life, but it's a matter of finding out what it is that I WANT. It seems that i don't have a preferencej to many things which is good and bad.

**The last time I was depressed, I changed something. May be that is the key to life, to just keep changing what you do. May be I just need to do more things and in different ways. Even changing something slightly can make you view the world in a dramatically different way. The smallest detailes can make the biggest difference**

ex. Here is a very small example of how changing can work. I changed the size of my screen resolution on my computer so everything looked bigger. I started computer in a different way and looking at everything differently. I Saw more detail in a smaller but more concentrated area. This made me want to listen to other music, and do something different on the computer. This made me want to type on the computer instead of writing. Just a small change like this can go a long way. Once I got to writing I did not feel very depressed. May be that means I am finding out the answers that I need to.

I wonder how many people go through similar thoughts...

some new words, from learning

When learning stripped the earth of its mantle of beauty, and the ground trembled beneath my feat. Honor and glory are those worth fighting for. Speak your mind to be a fool, as your crown will degrade to copper...

quiero matar

Vengeance shoots against the walls
mocking at the gods whom failed
healing the wounds not yet made
I summon the lesions to my flesh
the fleshing veils. the masking of human

You are the mezquino, but will I fight?