It's a scary thing accomplishing long term goals. Well perhaps the problem is that I didn't set my goals high enough. ANd here I thought my goals were too high because that's what everyone else told me. Here I am, still unable to write music on the guitar. I feel no inclination to even pick it up. ANd why? Well I think it is because I achieved what I had wanted to achieve and there was nothing left to chase. My goal was to reach a level of technicality close to the great tech death bands. ANd I did that. I wrote some crazy ass songs. I also wrote a lot of simple ambient songs. That was my goal though. I didn't want to be a "song writer" or a "recording artist," I really just wanted to be damn good so people could pay some attention to me and I could feel good about something I put a lot of work in to. And it felt good...everytime I showed a song to a friend of mine, they all reacted similarly telling me how sick it was or how other-worldly my playing was. Yes it was, because that was my goal. I didn't have anything left to achieve after that. I am scared because I don't know what it is going to feel like if I just give it up completely. I still don't know if that is somethign I can do. I am learning to do things out of self-discipline again because I had lost some of that...and that can lead up to getting back into music. As Jay Cutler said, The heart of a champion is one that is never satisfied. The problem with music is that, I became satisfied. It is true. Is this what satisfaction feels like? If so, I don't think I want to ever be satisfied in my life again. I want to be happy. When I am satisfied that means I am stagnant. While everyone needs down time and rest, changing and doing things are what's fun in life. Otherwise there is no point in living a life passed existence.
SO where does this leave me? Well, I am very much considering climbing my way back up to the top with music. I just want to do a little more planning before going for it. Two things I "regret" when I was playing and practicing was that I didn't play out enough and I never had a good way to record myself.
I've also learned to not tire myself out with excess thinking. That being said, I will be more able to dance, lift, and write more than ever before. And as a matter of fact, this blog will be used to get all my excess thoughts out. ALmost like a form of meditation. But this is more of a cleansing
An Ethereal Guitarist's Path
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