Dance and learning about myself***

As I said in the past, I wanted to explore dance. Not just for entertainment, but also for expression through body movements. Currently I a starting with salsa. I am ok at it for what I have learned, but I have not begun any real practice routines for it like I have with music or bodybuilding. I will implement this sooner rather than later. I find dancing to be a LOT of fun. Well, it took me a while to figure out why it was fun, but I did. It is another way to express myself. I feel as if expression is the reason I live. I have desire to express myself in many forms; through writing, music, fitness, activities (?), socializing, dance, language, learning, actings of kindness, helping others...? I feel like these forms of expression will or are much deeper than what I have written. .

I see something in people that disgusts/bothers me. They fulfill their perceived ego without giving back. I notice when people think someone is egotistical and full of themselves it is because they don't see that person giving back to others. If one is full of themselves as well as others and gives back to them, that makes them a real person. someone who knows how to love. I want to get to this point in my life. In order to do so, I must become an expert at everything I would like to do, which seems to be every way in which I wish to express myself. Anyway, salsa dancing is fun and the music is great. Originating from Cuban roots, it has some jazz thrown in there with some amazing rhythm. I am learning more and more what it means to move to a beat rather to react to it in a stripped down manner. I am learning to embrace music to form expression. I am learning to break through my shell. Soon, I will go through various salsa moves that I have learned and some philosophy of dance in general.

With all that I am doing, that i enjoy doing, I am creating. I think that is what I thrive on, creationism. I must also keep in mind that just because I can not sufficiently express myself in one medium does not means that I am bad at it, nor that I should not pursue it. Everything takes time and everything has its own journey.

It seems like every time I have drank in the passed 6 months or so, it has helped me. Whether it was socially or some other way, I have learned something new. Today, I am learning about (potentially) what I want out of my life which will bring me closer to a career path
romanticism,passion

Establishing myself...1 year

I am giving myself one year to become established to a general audience as a writer, musician, bodybuilder and teacher. I finally have a decent foundation for all of these things, and now I have to create the products of each. I will also be designing a webpage for all of these things as well as free lesons and free personal training. For me, it seems difficult to do stuff like this in such a short time. I had the idea fora webpage a while ago, but I never did it. I don't think I was ready to and I don't think it would have been good to do it within a day or two.

This will finally be my time to show people that I am not all talk. This will be my journey for the next year, making these skills/ideas as strong as they can be within that timeframe. Afterwards, I will just continue along.

Akira Yamaoka - A letter from the lost days

A letter to my future self, am I still happy, I begin
Have I grown up pretty? Is daddy still a good man?
Am I still friends with Colleen? I'm sure that I'm still laughing
Aren't I, aren't I...?

Hey there to my future-self, if you forget how to smile
I have this to tell you, remember it once in a while
Ten years ago, your past-self prayed for your happiness
Please don't lose hope...

Oh, oh what a pair me and you, put here to feel joy not be blue
Sad times and bad times see them through
Soon we will know if it's for real
What we both feel

(Speaking/Whisper)
Though I can't know for sure, how things worked out for us
No matter how hard it gets, you have to realize
We weren't put on this earth to suffer and cry
We were made for being happy, so be happy
For me, for you, please...

Oh, oh what a pair me and you, put here to feel joy not be blue
Sad times and bad times see them through
Soon we will know if it's for real
What we both feel

We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy
We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy
We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy

(Whisper)
We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy...

So on I wait my whole lifetime, for you

There has been tons of things influencing me the passed few months. I am not sure what to make of them or what they are trying to tell me. I have also learned that the only certainty is that nothing is certain. For the longest time I have been trying to figure out what I want to do with myself/my life and I have not been able to figure it out. I do have a better idea of it today, however. In this one area I have not progressed much at all and it is bothering me. Damn, there is so much to life how the hell can anyone decide what they want to do? Well I guess it comes down to finding that "one" thing you love. Well I think what I am finding is that there is not one thing I love. I love many things, I just have not realized this because of my social anxiety. I don't think it is a trick on my mind because I missed out on a lot. It's just like with listening to music. I can listen to new music and love it, like it, appreciate it, understand it despite the fact that all I listened to was death metal. Well the same goes for everything else in life. I can see things, do things, and like/love them, understand and appreciate them. I think what I am finding is that I like to see and experience everything. May be not everything but many many things. I am such an open and balanced person, that is the one concept I keep coming back to. While it is great to have many options, it makes things all the more difficult to choose or figure out. Ok, so I have learned that I am balanced and want many things in life. Now I have to narrow that down to what specific things do I want to explore. The problem with being open and wanting to do so many things, is that when there comes a time to put your focus into only a few aspects of it, you are lost and indecisive. Why do I have to put my focus into only a few aspects right now? Because I need a stable/good job. That is how I will live comfortably and still be able to explor and experience life. Ok I COULD do like many different things and have quite a few different jobs, but that just wouldn't work. May be I could work in different environments as life goes on, which is no problem at all, but I need one thing to focus on. This is my problem. Practically speaking, I do not know what field to go in to. This is where everything falls apart. SHould I just pick one at random that makes good money? Do I really have no preference? These are the specific questions that are bugging me now. Once I answer these, all that is next is to go to school, do it, then move out on my own and be completely free. Then I will live a happy life....Here is yeat another step towards unwravelling my mystery, still not there yet. Just like in bodybuilding, everything is a process....

Autumn Carcass

I am resurrecting A.C. I needed something to inspire me last night and I started looking through random tabs on my computer and came across the material Thiago and I wrote. I talked with him and we decided it'd the right time to bring it back. So what now? Well, I will be programming the drums on guitar pro, and then I will re-learn the songs and then record them. The songs are very simple, so learning them won't be a problem at all. Saying that relieves me! Instead of spending months and months practicing it'll more be like minutes and minutes. The music largely takes from doom metal, stylistically, however, added ambience will come through. I will be recording two guitars, may be bass, and perhaps a third guitar for harmonies or other weird experimentation.

i want to mix the world, by that i mean this
hear the melody within, and surround it variously
in this perilous war, we shout madness and fight silence
the clouds bring us justice, raining on our pathetic bodies
by then we absorb all the rain and spew all poison
we rape your justice and mock you in awe
we defile our selves and mock you more
a god of thunder, a god of rain, a god who knows not what his people believe

thinking
where has it gotten me, where can it get me
"not thinking"

living simple vs complex/in depth
simple/in depth
two huge vistas of viewing life, where do I fall? balance?

what do i want out of life- most likely just happiness
so what brings happiness
why do i want to live one way vs the other, is there really a difference?



areas i want to excel at
social
music
art
physical
philosophical
career/education

chase those once i identify them, perhaps keep everything else simple