Establishing myself...1 year

I am giving myself one year to become established to a general audience as a writer, musician, bodybuilder and teacher. I finally have a decent foundation for all of these things, and now I have to create the products of each. I will also be designing a webpage for all of these things as well as free lesons and free personal training. For me, it seems difficult to do stuff like this in such a short time. I had the idea fora webpage a while ago, but I never did it. I don't think I was ready to and I don't think it would have been good to do it within a day or two.

This will finally be my time to show people that I am not all talk. This will be my journey for the next year, making these skills/ideas as strong as they can be within that timeframe. Afterwards, I will just continue along.

Akira Yamaoka - A letter from the lost days

A letter to my future self, am I still happy, I begin
Have I grown up pretty? Is daddy still a good man?
Am I still friends with Colleen? I'm sure that I'm still laughing
Aren't I, aren't I...?

Hey there to my future-self, if you forget how to smile
I have this to tell you, remember it once in a while
Ten years ago, your past-self prayed for your happiness
Please don't lose hope...

Oh, oh what a pair me and you, put here to feel joy not be blue
Sad times and bad times see them through
Soon we will know if it's for real
What we both feel

(Speaking/Whisper)
Though I can't know for sure, how things worked out for us
No matter how hard it gets, you have to realize
We weren't put on this earth to suffer and cry
We were made for being happy, so be happy
For me, for you, please...

Oh, oh what a pair me and you, put here to feel joy not be blue
Sad times and bad times see them through
Soon we will know if it's for real
What we both feel

We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy
We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy
We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy

(Whisper)
We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy...

So on I wait my whole lifetime, for you

There has been tons of things influencing me the passed few months. I am not sure what to make of them or what they are trying to tell me. I have also learned that the only certainty is that nothing is certain. For the longest time I have been trying to figure out what I want to do with myself/my life and I have not been able to figure it out. I do have a better idea of it today, however. In this one area I have not progressed much at all and it is bothering me. Damn, there is so much to life how the hell can anyone decide what they want to do? Well I guess it comes down to finding that "one" thing you love. Well I think what I am finding is that there is not one thing I love. I love many things, I just have not realized this because of my social anxiety. I don't think it is a trick on my mind because I missed out on a lot. It's just like with listening to music. I can listen to new music and love it, like it, appreciate it, understand it despite the fact that all I listened to was death metal. Well the same goes for everything else in life. I can see things, do things, and like/love them, understand and appreciate them. I think what I am finding is that I like to see and experience everything. May be not everything but many many things. I am such an open and balanced person, that is the one concept I keep coming back to. While it is great to have many options, it makes things all the more difficult to choose or figure out. Ok, so I have learned that I am balanced and want many things in life. Now I have to narrow that down to what specific things do I want to explore. The problem with being open and wanting to do so many things, is that when there comes a time to put your focus into only a few aspects of it, you are lost and indecisive. Why do I have to put my focus into only a few aspects right now? Because I need a stable/good job. That is how I will live comfortably and still be able to explor and experience life. Ok I COULD do like many different things and have quite a few different jobs, but that just wouldn't work. May be I could work in different environments as life goes on, which is no problem at all, but I need one thing to focus on. This is my problem. Practically speaking, I do not know what field to go in to. This is where everything falls apart. SHould I just pick one at random that makes good money? Do I really have no preference? These are the specific questions that are bugging me now. Once I answer these, all that is next is to go to school, do it, then move out on my own and be completely free. Then I will live a happy life....Here is yeat another step towards unwravelling my mystery, still not there yet. Just like in bodybuilding, everything is a process....

Autumn Carcass

I am resurrecting A.C. I needed something to inspire me last night and I started looking through random tabs on my computer and came across the material Thiago and I wrote. I talked with him and we decided it'd the right time to bring it back. So what now? Well, I will be programming the drums on guitar pro, and then I will re-learn the songs and then record them. The songs are very simple, so learning them won't be a problem at all. Saying that relieves me! Instead of spending months and months practicing it'll more be like minutes and minutes. The music largely takes from doom metal, stylistically, however, added ambience will come through. I will be recording two guitars, may be bass, and perhaps a third guitar for harmonies or other weird experimentation.

i want to mix the world, by that i mean this
hear the melody within, and surround it variously
in this perilous war, we shout madness and fight silence
the clouds bring us justice, raining on our pathetic bodies
by then we absorb all the rain and spew all poison
we rape your justice and mock you in awe
we defile our selves and mock you more
a god of thunder, a god of rain, a god who knows not what his people believe

thinking
where has it gotten me, where can it get me
"not thinking"

living simple vs complex/in depth
simple/in depth
two huge vistas of viewing life, where do I fall? balance?

what do i want out of life- most likely just happiness
so what brings happiness
why do i want to live one way vs the other, is there really a difference?



areas i want to excel at
social
music
art
physical
philosophical
career/education

chase those once i identify them, perhaps keep everything else simple

The lyrics that changed my life

So, I have been slowly coming to this conclusion on my own, and it is amazing how dream theater captured this using the perfect words. The song/album related to being trapped within an octave, however I feel it has a lot to do with life as a whole and not just "music." This explains a lot of the conflict I have been going through and it's resolution.

[I. Someone Like Him]

[Lyrics: John Petrucci]

I never wanted to become someone like him so secure
Content to live each day just like the last
I was sure I knew that
This was not for me
And I wanted so much more
Far beyond what I could see
So I swore that I'd
Never be someone like him

So many years have passed
Since I proclaimed
My independence
My mission
My aim
And my vision
So secure
Content to live each day like it's my last
It's wonderful to know
That I could be
Something more than what I dreamed
Far beyond what I could see
Still I swear that I'm
Missing out this time

As far as I could tell
There's nothing more I need
But still I ask myself
Could this be everything
Then all I swore
That I would never be was now
So suddenly
The only thing
I wanted
To become
To be someone just like him

[II. Medicate (Awakening)]

[Lyrics: James LaBrie]

A Doctor sitting next to me
He asks me how I feel
Not sure I understand his questioning
He says I've been away a while
But thinks he has cured me
From a state of catatonic sleep

For 30 years
Where have I been
Eyes open
But not getting through to me

Medicate me
Infiltrate me
Side effects appear
As my conscience slips away

Medicate me
Science failing
Conscience fading fast
Can't you stop what's happening

A higher dosage he prescribes
But there's no guarantee
I feel it starting to take over me
I tell him not to be ashamed
There's no one who's to blame
A second shot
A brief awakening

I feel the relapse
Can't break free
Eyes open
But not getting through to me

[III. Full Circle]

[Lyrics: Mike Portnoy]

Sailing on the seven seize the day tripper diem's ready
Jack the ripper Owens Wilson Phillips and my supper's ready
Lucy in the sky with diamond Dave's not here I come to save the
Day for nightmare cinema show me the way to get back home again

Running forward
Falling back
Spinning round and round
Looking outward
Reaching in
Scream without a sound

Leaning over
Crawling up
Stumbling all around
Losing my place
Only to find I've come full circle

Flying off the handle be careful with
That axe Eugene gene the dance machine
Messiah light my fire gabba gabba
Hey hey my my generation's home again

Running forward
Falling back
Spinning round and round
Looking outward
Reaching in
Scream without a sound

Leaning over
Crawling up
Stumbling all around
Losing my place
Only to find I've come full circle

[IV. Intervals]

[Lyrics: Mike Portnoy]

[First]
Our deadly sins feel his mortal wrath
Remove all obstacles from our path

[Second]
Asking questions
Search for clues
The answer's been right in front of you

[Third]
Try to break through
Long to connect
Fall on deaf ears and failed muted breath

[Fourth]
Loyalty, trust, faith and desire
Carries love through each darkest fire

[Fifth]
Tortured Insanity
A smothering hell
Try to escape but no avail

[Sixth]
The calls of admirers
Who claim they adore
Drain all your lifeblood while begging for more

[Seventh]
Innocent victims of merciless crimes
Fall prey to some madmen's impulsive designs

[Octave]
Step after step
We try controlling our fate
When we finally start living it has become too late

Trapped inside this Octavarium
Trapped inside this Octavarium
Trapped inside this Octavarium
Trapped inside this Octavarium

[V. Razor's Edge]

[Lyrics: John Petrucci]

We move in circles
Balanced all the while
On a gleaming razor's edge

A perfect sphere
Colliding with our fate
This story ends where it began