Feeling conflicted/giving up

Here we go again...could this be another phase? May be these phases are signs to tell me my path is wrong. All my life I have felt the need and will to play guitar and to write music. Now I feel like it may be coming to a halt. I am so confused about writing and creating that I dont even know what questions to start asking. The act of playing and doing what I do is fun....but what about the art of creating? May be I am creating for the wrong reasons. What more is there? Is it that I just want a chance to perform? Well I have performed before (open mics, nothing big) and it was exactly how I expected it to be. May be a performance art is not what I should be involved in. Or may be I should just not perform, or think about it.

I had a dream...It was dark, I was up in CT supposedly where my grandparents live. We were all at a party and these people one of my friends knew came to the house in vans. All dressed in black with guns and knives. All they wanted to do was kill everyone/terrorize them because of something stupid my friend had said. So I was in close contact with two of my friends and I tried to survive on my own....and I EASILY did. I was smart about where to hide, when to move, how to move. I pretty much kept hiding in different blocks/areas of the neighborhood. I wasn't even scared in my dream. I was just doing what I had to do. In the end, I was one of the very few who did not end up getting hurt, and then the "evil ones" left. I didn't feel bad that I came out virtually unscathed. I felt like I should. Confident. Not proud, not happy, not thankful, not grateful. I just felt like this strong person.

What information can I get from this? This could metaphorically represent my musical journey to this date. I am not sure where to go from here. Should I pick up a new medium, should I drop guitar? WHY? Why would I do that? what would it change? I would still be the same person.

back to writing

Life is a process...do what you want, when you want. Be yourself. Have fun. Fill your soul.

Writing a lot of new material, hugely inspired by Om and DSO. Should be some cool sounding stuff

I am starting to feel very little need

to continue writing in my blogs. I found out a lot about myself through this and that was my goal. I feel like I know what I need to do to bring out the best in me, so now all there is to it is to do it.

likes and dislikes and how to change

likes and dislikes and how to change

i like my creativity
practicing hours a day
dancing for the love of it
bodybuilding
powerlifting
socializing
drinkin



I dont like
not being assertive
not being lively in my social encounters
not thinking fast
not engaging others well enough


how to start being assertive
make small decisions each day that I normally wouldn't

how to be more lively in social encounters
make eye contact
use more body language, more than just hand signs. Move body.
change tone of voice. Make it carry out more
communicate energy

how to think fast
just do it

how to engage others more efficiently
show them that I have something interesting to say
show them that I am interested in what they have to share
give them material to feed off of
be excited through speech

depression again (cyclical)

Been feelin depressed today/ yesterday. I think it may be a sort of monthly cycle. I have some big plans for music in the near future that I will refrain from talking about with people until they are actually done.

La Luna Llena- danceable, ambience, positive emotion-driven music
Anthromorphic- extreme death metal taken outside of all death metal boundaries
humanity falls- breaking boundaries of death metal
sludge/death band- heaviness/ugliness

My first long face in a long time

It has been a while since I felt depressed, and I guess I am over due for it. There is always depression at some point to balance out all the positivity; it's just a matter of maintaining equilibrium.

Being assertive is very challenging, especially when I do not have anyone to really guide me. I have been turning into a leader/role model for a lot of my friends, as well as a guide, but now I feel like I need someone to guide me once again.

updates, updates, and more updates

Well now, I am a little stuck, a little motivated, a little inspired, a little anxious, and a little ready to give art my all. First and foremost, losing my job has put me in a position of instabililty. I need to get that back asap. Once I do that, then I can put all the other pieces back together.

I am considering making a totally new blog with a new account. One for a "professional" name for myself. The blogs I have been writing are the very most personal things I have ever written and that is why they are not good material to show the general public. At this moment, most people that even read my blogs are my closest friends and I think I will keep it that way. These blogs are for my close friends to see what is going on inside my mind.

My younger brother/friend Thiago has been making many releases, and recently he started a real blog for his music, he also has a youtube page of all his music and his music is getting great feedback. This is where I need to get to if I want to do anything with my music. I do have an album and plan to be writing much more. However, like usual, all my friends seem to be ahead of me. I am the odd ball in the group in that I do things at a much different pace than others, such as going to school or learning a new hobby

I have always been behind and unsure in life. Lately I have been morphing my mind to start thinking a lot more assertively. People in my dance classes have even told me the same thing, to be more assertive when I dance. Well that has never been part of my personality up until now. So from now on, I have to work towards making a name for myself. Every day, or mostly every day I have to focus my energy into any little thing that will help me get to this. Even something as small as organizing my music files. Any little thing will help.


right now, my inspiration to writing is coming from dancing!