Sometimes it is good to relax about certain things, even if they are problematic. In fact, when I am relaxed, I can be much more efficient. That is why I need to practice more. So that I can be that relaxed, on the spot, and be able to play much cleaner. I was very focused on where my next step in music would be, but I stopped thinking about it. As a result I was able to relax my mind. I came to an answer, THE answer. I just want to write. I am going to stop writing for "this project" or "that project" and just write. When I write for something, other than myself, it changes the limitations, variations, experiences, and many other things that will make the music what it is, for better or worse. At this moment it has been changing them for worse. I have now told myself that I just want to write. If that means bringing influence from other bands to the drawing table, then I will do that. Today I was insanely productive in such a short time for the above reason and also for another reason. I have broken out of laziness. It used to feel like a chore to plug in my interface and set up my recording program and record. Well, not anymore. I was inspired by a new Ulcerate interview. The guitarists were saying how they jam, record, improvise, and send it back and forth. Then it hit me, why don't I just record, improvise, and send it back and forth (to myself) and jam on some riffs. That is exactly what I did. I so far have about 4 minutes of a song written. The song, right now, is largely inspired by Ulcerate, but that is not just because I like the band. We have a common vision. I want to make a huge sound with the music I write and that is what they are focusing on right now as well, in a very broad sense. I also metaphorically compared myself to a tree. I like to have all these complex branches and odd leaves sticking out every which way, but I like to keep a big, strong, stable core. It's funny that my tattoo idea a long time ago was a tree, and that was supposed to be a representation of myself. Well yet again, I am coming back to being a tree. That is what I want to reflect in my music, but it is not just a huge sound I am looking for. I am looking for those complex branches and odd leaves and anything else that interacts with the tree. That will be my sound.

With that being said, today I started recording/writing. I did two straight improvisations and then i did real writing and recorded it right after. It was easy to do and very productive. It has made me want to start practicing again. I want to be able to play fast AND clean, effortlessly. This has motivated me to once again begin practicing regularly.

Where do I go?

Ok, So now that The Beckoning Lake is recorded, I do not feel like recording the other songs that I have finished. I do not feel like they are up to par with TBL, which kind of makes sense. For one, TBL is mostly comprised of my previous songs. The songs had a magic when I had written them, but I feel that magic is gone. It is too familiar to me and not very challenging to listen to. Perhaps when others contribute to it, they will become a lot more interesting to listen to, but until then I am not sure I want to do them now. In terms of writing new music, I think I have got that covered. I am not one hudred percent sure what I will be writing. I might just go for writing "masterpieces" or regular "songs." I feel that if I make a piece that encompasses the other songs, I do not need to record the other songs to show everyone. May be I will, may be I won't, I am not sure.

Movement

It seems that all the things I wanted to do as a kid and didn't I am doing now. I have just picked up a book on Tai Chi which I have already started going through. Of course I am working with the very basics. My goal is to apply tai chi to my martial arts, then I would like to learn a dance form, and then finally become a movement artist. I feel a great connection through movement and it is expressive of my "softer" and peaceful side. So far my music describes the depressing, tension-wielding side of me, powerlifting and bodybuilding express the physical and mental strength part of me. Now I feel body movement will express what is left. While that may sound limiting, how those express only certain parts of me, that is not 100% accurate. I think it would be more correct in saying that I express xyz qualities through xyz mediums. I have tried expressing happier tones through music and what not, but it proved futile. I ultimately do as I feel and that is my purpose.

new lyrics

Stuck in the same mold
awareness vanished
distancing others
A constricting uselessness

within your mind (echoes)
the gears turn aimlessly
within your mind
you dwell in darkness

The aura of ascendence
my autumn to live
the leaves turn gold
illuminating vast light

blazing fire surrounds me
embers glowing, spell my name
creatures of fire
engulf my new mind

within your mind (echoes)
the gears turn aimlessly
within your mind
you dwell in darkness

CHANGING ROUTINES

I learned that it is very important to change how I practice. That is why practicing gets boring. I got stuck doing the same exercises and routines. What I am doing now is practice-playing. I am also working hard on the Anthro. songs.

Technique & relaxation

relaxing is very much a mental thing, as much or more than it is physical. Playing while I am tired is also a great idea. It helps me relax. Usually when one is tired, they wll tense up more to play something, but they just need to tell themselves to relax.

Forgotten things, exploration of the unchartered

It has come to the point where I am forgetting how to play within genres. I tried playing heavy metal, stoner rock, sludge, and I couldn't really do it today. Sure, it could just be an off day, but I don't think it is. That is a good sign, that I have been focused on what I want to play, but it may be a bad sign that I am becoming aimless. I have been feeling unmotivated, I would like to do what i love with other people. I want to share myself with the ones who are like me. It seems that it's rather hard to do that or find those people. This is my struggle within.