It seems like spending time thinking about and being into different things other than music helps. It seems that not thinking about music helps too. I also can't constantly think about one art form because that starts to destroy it, however I must realize that this isn't a bad thing. It's hard to realize that by focusing on something else the other things will come into play. They are all synergistic. There are so many different things to do that reflect my moods, but I can not be 100 different moods at once/constantly. There are only certain times when I feel like doing x or y or z.
I have to balance things not only physically but mentally too. It's easy to just separate the physical aspects of activities but to stop thinking about them is harder. Thoughts wander effortlessly so they come and go easily and frequently. I am learning again that everything in my life is a balance. Well besides happiness:sadness- that's more like 85:15 ration. However, I like to do a lot, and then not do a lot. I have been very extreme about it in the past, and I think I am realizing I shouldn't be so extreme about it.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Realization: Energy********
It seems that if I focus and put the energy into an art I will get that back. FOr instance, if a band is OK and I am listening to them, I have to focus in order to "get into" the music. I can choose to get into it and enjoy it or sit back and not feel anything from it. I notice that it is harder to do the former when I am tired. As far as rating whether or not a band is a favorite or how much I like them; well the easier it is for me to get into the band, the more I like them. If I don't have to force myself to feel the music then I like them a lot and it is one of my favorites.
This is why I have a hard time writing music. It is very difficult to write something that will DRAW me in and keep me there. That is why I want to do some bands and don't want to do others. This is why I keep going back and forth between music/guitar- because I never quite realized this. I am also tired a LOT of the time from bodybuilding/powerlifting because that takes a lot of energy out of me. I have noticed that when I take caffeine I feel more focused and better about myself, goals, music, and art. I feel more accepting to things. May be that is saying that I should use caffeine a bit more liberally, but may be not. I would not like to b ecome dependent on it and feel that would be a bad thing to do, however I do not know what else to do to combat this tiredness. I guess the debate comes down to, if you are pushing your body passed its limits, should you use outside forces to keep maintaining it? Or should you just keep everything as natural as possible? Perhaps I should do the former while I can. I have the energy now to do all these things and maybe that's how I should invest my time and money- 110% full force.
I have the opportunity to tour for a few months with Psyche Corporation, a band my brother is playing for and while I initially said yes, today I have been second guessing that decision- partly because I am tired. I am tired and when I am tired it is hard to focus on the things that I want to do. Think about that. So if being tired makes it hard to focus I need to fix that. Bodybuilding makes me terribly tired, but I will not stop that- I can't because I love it so much. If that is the case, outside supplements such as caffeine may have to come into my life. Is that so bad of a decision? It doesn't have to be constant to the point where I develop a dependency. I find it hilarious how I am seriously debating whether or not using caffeine would be a smart choice when so many bbers out there are on steroids, GH and a whole lot of other drugs- yet caffeine to me is like the dark side! HAH!
So my problem is that bodybuilding makes me very tired, but I can't stop doing it. Thus, when I am tired it is hard to focus on my arts and goals. Liking art is all about focusing on it and putting energy into that. How can I do that if I am tired all of the time? Well simply put, I can't unless I want to be miserable while doing it. So, how will I solve this issue, what solutions do I have?
Well I want to not be as tired and have the energy to pursue music, dance, and bodybuilding, as well as some sort of career. I want to stay healthy. So the only real solution I see at the moment is to lighten up on bodybuilding or to use energy boosters. How else can I achieve not being tired?
How did I realize this? Well today at work I had been thinking about Psyche Corporation and if I really wanted to play shows. I immediately started thinking that I don't want to play guitar anymore. Not recreationally. However, at the very least -playing guitar is a useful skill because it can be used as a gateway to other opportunities like meeting new people or networking and telling people of my passions. I am also going to use this as a gateway to ask Gen if I can be a dance performer for the band. Of course before I do that I will have to hone my dance skills quite a bit, and may be this will be my first real choreographic work that I wil do and have something to show. It will also most likely be my first performance piece- which is funny because not long ago I was saying how one of my goals is to perform dance later this year/early next year and I didn't think that was so likely to happen, but I now see a huge possibility in it....but why? Anyway, I digress. After I thought that I had not wanted to play guitar I just decided to listen to two songs I need to learn- just for the hell of it, and I'm like ok these are ok- whatever. But then I thought, well what about all the times when I would get excited about music and I would be really into it and the music would make me move? I pretended for a moment that I was not tired at all- that was a big factor as I am EXTREMELY tired today because my whole upper body has been sore for days. So anyway, I psyched myself up slightly and started moving to the musiv a little bit, or at least got the urge to. I am at work so it is hard to just bust a move without getting in trouble HAHA. And then that's when I realized "hey this could actually work and may be it wouldn't be so bad after all." Then I started thinking about how it used to be my dream to get on stage and perform music- and I have done that, however, not with a full band. I think I am finally done!
This is why I have a hard time writing music. It is very difficult to write something that will DRAW me in and keep me there. That is why I want to do some bands and don't want to do others. This is why I keep going back and forth between music/guitar- because I never quite realized this. I am also tired a LOT of the time from bodybuilding/powerlifting because that takes a lot of energy out of me. I have noticed that when I take caffeine I feel more focused and better about myself, goals, music, and art. I feel more accepting to things. May be that is saying that I should use caffeine a bit more liberally, but may be not. I would not like to b ecome dependent on it and feel that would be a bad thing to do, however I do not know what else to do to combat this tiredness. I guess the debate comes down to, if you are pushing your body passed its limits, should you use outside forces to keep maintaining it? Or should you just keep everything as natural as possible? Perhaps I should do the former while I can. I have the energy now to do all these things and maybe that's how I should invest my time and money- 110% full force.
I have the opportunity to tour for a few months with Psyche Corporation, a band my brother is playing for and while I initially said yes, today I have been second guessing that decision- partly because I am tired. I am tired and when I am tired it is hard to focus on the things that I want to do. Think about that. So if being tired makes it hard to focus I need to fix that. Bodybuilding makes me terribly tired, but I will not stop that- I can't because I love it so much. If that is the case, outside supplements such as caffeine may have to come into my life. Is that so bad of a decision? It doesn't have to be constant to the point where I develop a dependency. I find it hilarious how I am seriously debating whether or not using caffeine would be a smart choice when so many bbers out there are on steroids, GH and a whole lot of other drugs- yet caffeine to me is like the dark side! HAH!
So my problem is that bodybuilding makes me very tired, but I can't stop doing it. Thus, when I am tired it is hard to focus on my arts and goals. Liking art is all about focusing on it and putting energy into that. How can I do that if I am tired all of the time? Well simply put, I can't unless I want to be miserable while doing it. So, how will I solve this issue, what solutions do I have?
Well I want to not be as tired and have the energy to pursue music, dance, and bodybuilding, as well as some sort of career. I want to stay healthy. So the only real solution I see at the moment is to lighten up on bodybuilding or to use energy boosters. How else can I achieve not being tired?
How did I realize this? Well today at work I had been thinking about Psyche Corporation and if I really wanted to play shows. I immediately started thinking that I don't want to play guitar anymore. Not recreationally. However, at the very least -playing guitar is a useful skill because it can be used as a gateway to other opportunities like meeting new people or networking and telling people of my passions. I am also going to use this as a gateway to ask Gen if I can be a dance performer for the band. Of course before I do that I will have to hone my dance skills quite a bit, and may be this will be my first real choreographic work that I wil do and have something to show. It will also most likely be my first performance piece- which is funny because not long ago I was saying how one of my goals is to perform dance later this year/early next year and I didn't think that was so likely to happen, but I now see a huge possibility in it....but why? Anyway, I digress. After I thought that I had not wanted to play guitar I just decided to listen to two songs I need to learn- just for the hell of it, and I'm like ok these are ok- whatever. But then I thought, well what about all the times when I would get excited about music and I would be really into it and the music would make me move? I pretended for a moment that I was not tired at all- that was a big factor as I am EXTREMELY tired today because my whole upper body has been sore for days. So anyway, I psyched myself up slightly and started moving to the musiv a little bit, or at least got the urge to. I am at work so it is hard to just bust a move without getting in trouble HAHA. And then that's when I realized "hey this could actually work and may be it wouldn't be so bad after all." Then I started thinking about how it used to be my dream to get on stage and perform music- and I have done that, however, not with a full band. I think I am finally done!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Misunderstood, interpreting my feelings
Wow ok, so this whole state of confusion I was in was a long journey/phase in and of itself. I have learned quite a lot and I realized that playing guitar is my true calling. I know where I want to be technique-wise and playing/creativity-wise, and have always known that. I also have started developing a fresh and honest approach/perspective about the kind of music I want to be involved in and what I want my main goal to be focused on it. Watching the new HF demo videos of only Eston and one guitarist also gave me some insight. Simply put, I want to front a band that is a mixture of Anthromorphic, Monolithic, and Metallica. This in essence encompasses all of my influences in music. Each project stands strong on their own and is very much developed. They are all technical in their own ways but also very strong in the song writing. The tricky part is combining everything. The level I want to be at is improvising on stage at every/any show but having the rest of the band keeping the structure of it all. I feel as though this may actually be realistic because, not to get ahead of myself or go on a massive ego trip, but from what I have seen most people can not improvise at such a high level as I know I can and will achieve. While I love the technicality of interesting technical death metal, and the spacey ambient sounds that are associated with bands like WITTR I also love melodic/catchy/strong songs that Metallica plays. More often than not, technique and ambience tend to leave no room for "real" songs. If I can successfully blend these three things together I feel as thought I will have the ultimate band.
So I have learned that I MUST be patient with myself. I am learning a whole new meaning to the word patient, especially when it comes to goals and developing as a person. Yes it is good to push yourself above and beyond, but too much is too much. I am glad that I have gotten used to a strong work ethic and decent level of standard. Which brings me to my next point, holding too high standards is detrimental. The only standard that should ever be is to constantly get better and out-do yourself. If you are accomplishing that then you will eventually reach your best. If you try to do that too fast, then all you are doing is rushing and not giving things the room to come to fruition. These are the two mistakes I have made in the past and I have finally come to realize the severity of them as well as the repercussions they produce.
One last thing I have realized is that I do not need to second-guess myself usually. If I trusted myself in the first place and just said I needed a break from guitar, then I would not have encountered the confusion in this phase. But alas my energy had been diverted from the task at hand. I have learned to distinguish between needing to take time off and being uninspired as well. Both are two very different things. I can practice and force myself to do things when I am not inspired to do them, however, doing these things while NEEDING a break is a different story. Over-training is never a good idea.
So I have learned that I MUST be patient with myself. I am learning a whole new meaning to the word patient, especially when it comes to goals and developing as a person. Yes it is good to push yourself above and beyond, but too much is too much. I am glad that I have gotten used to a strong work ethic and decent level of standard. Which brings me to my next point, holding too high standards is detrimental. The only standard that should ever be is to constantly get better and out-do yourself. If you are accomplishing that then you will eventually reach your best. If you try to do that too fast, then all you are doing is rushing and not giving things the room to come to fruition. These are the two mistakes I have made in the past and I have finally come to realize the severity of them as well as the repercussions they produce.
One last thing I have realized is that I do not need to second-guess myself usually. If I trusted myself in the first place and just said I needed a break from guitar, then I would not have encountered the confusion in this phase. But alas my energy had been diverted from the task at hand. I have learned to distinguish between needing to take time off and being uninspired as well. Both are two very different things. I can practice and force myself to do things when I am not inspired to do them, however, doing these things while NEEDING a break is a different story. Over-training is never a good idea.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Finally ok with where my life is heading?
Behavioral patters. What I'm noticing with myself is that I achieve a high level of expertise in something and then I move on to something new/ I think I am finally ok with that. I have always wanted to be involved in a lot of hobbies and now I realized that I can be. However, to keep everything consistent would be too much for anyone to really manage and I think that's why when I find something new, the old starts to dwindle. I don't think it's necessarily that I lose interest but more so that I lose the ability to properly manage it to the best of my ability. I think it'd be great to have a list of passions/accomplishments that I've done. May be this is really what I've been looking for.
So what have I got?
Martial arts- 6+ years
writing- 5+ years
Guitar/music- 9+ years
Bodybuilding- 2+ years
Dancing- 0+ years
Now that I look at it, I have been involved with something all my life and will probably until the day I die.
So what have I got?
Martial arts- 6+ years
writing- 5+ years
Guitar/music- 9+ years
Bodybuilding- 2+ years
Dancing- 0+ years
Now that I look at it, I have been involved with something all my life and will probably until the day I die.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
I want to be a star...
Have I always wanted to be a star?
I feel as though the answer is yes (and the fact that I can't say that with certainty shows unconfidence) and all my life I was too scared to admit that. Could this be why I want to be involved in so many art forms? Because I can't find one forte that will bring me where I want to be?
If being a star is what I want then how do I achieve that? I've come from a background that was far away from that sort of world. -- I was not blessed with that sort of skill set nor talents. Well, I have the talent, but have not honed it into skill during what appears to be a very critical part of development (preteens and beyond).
I have expressed that I want to be extremely outgoing, have lots of friends, play in bands, perform etc. But how much have I truly accomplished?
I get jealous when people have such amazing times out or are the center of attention. Yes! I love attention (good attention) and always have. I always admitted to myself but not to others and used to frown at attention whores and their behavior. I behaved in opposing ways to them and those thoughts have been ingrained in me. How dare I act like a "child" and try to get people to like me and pay me mind. However, its what I want, I want everyone to care about me, yet I act like I don't because I have conditioned myself to THINK (not believe) that way of thinking. I don't want to be someone who lives in their own world and never comes out, I don't want to be who I used to be. The closed, solitary, fragile, half-wit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I want to be that guy who is rewarded for pouring his heart and soul into what he loves
I want to be that guy that many girls want to be around
I want to be that guy who the "whole" world pays attention to
I want to be that guy who is humble yet popular
I want to be that guy that everyone wants to invite out
I want to be that guy that doesn't let people down
I want to be that guy that everyone can share their secrets with
I want to be that guy that people open up to
I want to be a friend to everyone
I want to be that guy that everyone loves
I want to be that guy you go to when you're sad, or depressed
I want to be that guy you can curl up into a ball with and feel ok
I want to be that guy that you count on
I want to be that guy that you ask favors from
I want to be that guy that helps you so much you feel like you owe him
I want to be that guy that can talk to anyone
I want to be that guy that makes people's eyes light up
I want to be that guy that you always hug
I want to be that guy that is always thankful of others
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That to me...is a star
Is this the key to happiness? I am really starting to believe being this person will make me happy. Do I really want to work so hard to get there?
I feel as though the answer is yes (and the fact that I can't say that with certainty shows unconfidence) and all my life I was too scared to admit that. Could this be why I want to be involved in so many art forms? Because I can't find one forte that will bring me where I want to be?
If being a star is what I want then how do I achieve that? I've come from a background that was far away from that sort of world. -- I was not blessed with that sort of skill set nor talents. Well, I have the talent, but have not honed it into skill during what appears to be a very critical part of development (preteens and beyond).
I have expressed that I want to be extremely outgoing, have lots of friends, play in bands, perform etc. But how much have I truly accomplished?
I get jealous when people have such amazing times out or are the center of attention. Yes! I love attention (good attention) and always have. I always admitted to myself but not to others and used to frown at attention whores and their behavior. I behaved in opposing ways to them and those thoughts have been ingrained in me. How dare I act like a "child" and try to get people to like me and pay me mind. However, its what I want, I want everyone to care about me, yet I act like I don't because I have conditioned myself to THINK (not believe) that way of thinking. I don't want to be someone who lives in their own world and never comes out, I don't want to be who I used to be. The closed, solitary, fragile, half-wit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I want to be that guy who is rewarded for pouring his heart and soul into what he loves
I want to be that guy that many girls want to be around
I want to be that guy who the "whole" world pays attention to
I want to be that guy who is humble yet popular
I want to be that guy that everyone wants to invite out
I want to be that guy that doesn't let people down
I want to be that guy that everyone can share their secrets with
I want to be that guy that people open up to
I want to be a friend to everyone
I want to be that guy that everyone loves
I want to be that guy you go to when you're sad, or depressed
I want to be that guy you can curl up into a ball with and feel ok
I want to be that guy that you count on
I want to be that guy that you ask favors from
I want to be that guy that helps you so much you feel like you owe him
I want to be that guy that can talk to anyone
I want to be that guy that makes people's eyes light up
I want to be that guy that you always hug
I want to be that guy that is always thankful of others
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That to me...is a star
Is this the key to happiness? I am really starting to believe being this person will make me happy. Do I really want to work so hard to get there?
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
qualities
I like when people are polite
I like when people are open and cooperate with my ideas
I like when people let loose and have fun
I like when people get exited
I like when people are sensitive
I like when people care for others they don't know
I like when people know a lot and share that
I like when people are forgiving
I like when people stick to their word and are punctual- especially when it affets others
I like when people don't keep you needlessly waiting
I like when people control their emotions
These are things I want to bring out in myself because I admire these qualities about people.
I like when people are open and cooperate with my ideas
I like when people let loose and have fun
I like when people get exited
I like when people are sensitive
I like when people care for others they don't know
I like when people know a lot and share that
I like when people are forgiving
I like when people stick to their word and are punctual- especially when it affets others
I like when people don't keep you needlessly waiting
I like when people control their emotions
These are things I want to bring out in myself because I admire these qualities about people.
Friday, September 2, 2011
GOALS!
Ok, I got some things figured out now! First things first, I REALLY want to do a bodybuilding competition. I NEED to do one soon. I have been trying to add on size to prepare to do one and soon it will be time to showcase what I have done. I feel that I am almost big enough to do one, but then again I know probably everyone will be bigger than me as size is not my strong point. That's ok though. I want to get up on a damn stage, a real stage, not some lame ass open mic playing a guitar. I want to showcase to people my hard work and dedication. Next on my list is to become a certified personal trainer and start building a financial base from that. Personal training is fun and it involves a passion of mine and can make me some good money. I feel I have a lot of the skills in order to be a damn good/successful personal trainer. Main thing that needs work still is my charisma, but guess what? Even that is improving. Soon I will be unstoppable. I also want to perform dance soon. I don't want these passions to be like guitar playing, where I was mostly a bedroom musician and just practiced too much because that is no fun!!! I need to show people what I am working on. Soon I will be playing open mics, and now is the time to prepare for them. I have more experience in dancing than I realize. I have studied the movement and posing of muscles. I have also developed a decent mind-muscle connection with my muscles. I have practiced yoga and taken notes on what looks beautiful to me and what doesn't. I am ahead of my game more than I thought. I also studied salsa for a little while. Now I just need to get in the habit of writing routines and practicing technique. The last thing on my list is that I want to learn a new instrument. I'm sick of the guitar, simply-put. I don't enjoy the phsyical aspects of playing it anymore. I don't know why, I just don't. I think i burned myself out with too much technicality. Anyway, I don't want to do that again. I do want to be great at an instrument and at performing, but to be super technical- well I don't care to be, because after a certain point, it isn't about the music anymore.
From my liast post, I was saying how I wanted to be unique. Well I certainly will be unique. even in 5 years from now, I can only imagine the great things I will be doing. I feel like I've FINALLY solved a lot of issues with myself that have been holding me back. Specifically speaking, I am learning that I don't have to get a degree to become successful and getting a degree may truly not be in my path (but it may). I have also learned that I want to perform and do more than just brush my fingers across a guitar neck. I want to be involved and interactive- and I CAN do that. There is nothing that is stopping me. I just gotta practice and then start hitting some easy gigs and take it from there. I am learning that I have a lot of great qualities and strengths that will help me obtain donig things like becoming a personal trainer and truly being "on my own," as well as connecting with others. I am realizing that I really want to put all my theory of practice to performance and application, because isn't that what art is about? A journey? I want people to see my journey as opposed to say 1 instance of it where I am at my "peak." If I am constantly working my hardest, then I will always be at my peak, and if I am always at my peak then I can always perform and feel good about myself.
To sum up my goals
1. Bodybuilding competition in a year (late 2012/early 2013)
2. Obtain a personal trainer certification (early-mid 2012)
3. Perform dance at open mics (late 2011/early 2012)
4. Learn a new instrument and get a fresh perspective on music
From my liast post, I was saying how I wanted to be unique. Well I certainly will be unique. even in 5 years from now, I can only imagine the great things I will be doing. I feel like I've FINALLY solved a lot of issues with myself that have been holding me back. Specifically speaking, I am learning that I don't have to get a degree to become successful and getting a degree may truly not be in my path (but it may). I have also learned that I want to perform and do more than just brush my fingers across a guitar neck. I want to be involved and interactive- and I CAN do that. There is nothing that is stopping me. I just gotta practice and then start hitting some easy gigs and take it from there. I am learning that I have a lot of great qualities and strengths that will help me obtain donig things like becoming a personal trainer and truly being "on my own," as well as connecting with others. I am realizing that I really want to put all my theory of practice to performance and application, because isn't that what art is about? A journey? I want people to see my journey as opposed to say 1 instance of it where I am at my "peak." If I am constantly working my hardest, then I will always be at my peak, and if I am always at my peak then I can always perform and feel good about myself.
To sum up my goals
1. Bodybuilding competition in a year (late 2012/early 2013)
2. Obtain a personal trainer certification (early-mid 2012)
3. Perform dance at open mics (late 2011/early 2012)
4. Learn a new instrument and get a fresh perspective on music
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