accomplising goals is a scary thing is it?

It's a scary thing accomplishing long term goals. Well perhaps the problem is that I didn't set my goals high enough. ANd here I thought my goals were too high because that's what everyone else told me. Here I am, still unable to write music on the guitar. I feel no inclination to even pick it up. ANd why? Well I think it is because I achieved what I had wanted to achieve and there was nothing left to chase. My goal was to reach a level of technicality close to the great tech death bands. ANd I did that. I wrote some crazy ass songs. I also wrote a lot of simple ambient songs. That was my goal though. I didn't want to be a "song writer" or a "recording artist," I really just wanted to be damn good so people could pay some attention to me and I could feel good about something I put a lot of work in to. And it felt good...everytime I showed a song to a friend of mine, they all reacted similarly telling me how sick it was or how other-worldly my playing was. Yes it was, because that was my goal. I didn't have anything left to achieve after that. I am scared because I don't know what it is going to feel like if I just give it up completely. I still don't know if that is somethign I can do. I am learning to do things out of self-discipline again because I had lost some of that...and that can lead up to getting back into music. As Jay Cutler said, The heart of a champion is one that is never satisfied. The problem with music is that, I became satisfied. It is true. Is this what satisfaction feels like? If so, I don't think I want to ever be satisfied in my life again. I want to be happy. When I am satisfied that means I am stagnant. While everyone needs down time and rest, changing and doing things are what's fun in life. Otherwise there is no point in living a life passed existence.

SO where does this leave me? Well, I am very much considering climbing my way back up to the top with music. I just want to do a little more planning before going for it. Two things I "regret" when I was playing and practicing was that I didn't play out enough and I never had a good way to record myself.

I've also learned to not tire myself out with excess thinking. That being said, I will be more able to dance, lift, and write more than ever before. And as a matter of fact, this blog will be used to get all my excess thoughts out. ALmost like a form of meditation. But this is more of a cleansing

Wow, I need and want to do a lot of work

OK, so there are a lot of things I want to work on that I feel would be highly beneficial to me. SO many things. It almost overwhelms me, but I believe I can do it all. Reading my brother's blog makes me so inspired almost all the time. I see him now blogging about some of his flaws or weaknesses and it makes me want to address mine as well. I've done this a lot in the past, but I want to revisit them so I can actively fix them and make myself a better person because there are still many things I feel I am missing socially, intelligently, organizationally, emotionally, mentally etc etc.


Here is one thing that has been such a limiting factor to me...I am too quiet in social situations and I "never know what to say." I also have trouble creating humor. Ugh. Now that I am passed my socially anxiety, I can analyze my behavior much more clearly. When someone makes a joke to me, part of me wants to laugh, part of me wants to not react at all, and part of me wants to say something funny in return and the other part of me can't figure out what to say back. WHy is this so important? Because humor can be just as uniting as anything else. It is a fundamental that brings us together. I am tense a lot of the time. I mean that is how I've grown up. It is beyond what drinking or smoking could fix. People say oh just have a few and relax, but it doesn't work like that. That's what so many people don;t understand and that's what I wish I could tell people, but at the same time it would probably just make them more disinterested in me. However, talking about it could help lead to a solution. Having grown up so tense, how can I just flip a switch and be so relaxed? That is probably the first step to cultivating my sense of humor. I feel like stress messes everything up. When I am stressed I am not in the mood for being funny at all. Anyway, back to my behaviors. When someone comes with a joke or a humorous statement, I basically just reply passively. Yes that's it. I am always passive. That is my problem. Why am I always passive? Well a lot of it has to do with the way I grew up. From having had social anxiety I did not develop much confidence in myself. Then I am thrown into situations that require that confidence and some days I have it and some days I don't. I actually do have it because I have spent years trying to improve myself on different levels.

It's weird though, when people joke with me, there are a few with whom I can joke back and my words are not just thought of as stupid, but are actually funny. I need to make that a lot more frequent...but I don't know how. Is humor a skill you can work on? If so, how? I don;t know where to begin to teach myself to be funny and humorous; nor do I know someone who can teach me.


I am going to take this paragraph from my brother's blog "Sureness:

Where do people get it? Where does it come from? Is it really as good as it seems? Is there such a thing as too much?

Some people seem to have this sureness. This conviction and strength. I find it incredibly admirable. I even have it occasionally. Mostly when I play music or teach.

Most of the time though, I have doubt. I think it is one of my better qualities. I'm the sort of person who when challenged backs down to pause and think. I seem to be able to agree with polar opposite sides of an argument or at least to feel why those things are right. I don't believe in absolute morality, yet neither do I believe completely in relative morality."

I feel that very much applies to me as well and I couldn't have said it better.

I need to get out and do more

Something I can't just wrap my head around...

It's not about the technicality, it's about the music. Or is it about both? WTF, I have been struggling with this concept for a very very long time. I've read stuff about a lot of musicians who had played their instrument for years, became virtuoso etc, and then just made some of the simplest music they could. I want the best of everything, but its so damn hard to obtain. I wanna make the best music, but I also want to develop the best technique and technicalities. At the moment, I told myself I want to play in a doom metal band so that I would not have a NEED to practice guitar. Why don't I want to practice guitar? Becuase I have done it for so many years already and it's not as fun as it used to be. That seems to be the biggest reason, the fact that it isn't so much fun anymore. But part of me just can't let go of the skill.

I take great pride in knowing that my technique is far greater than many other people's and that my technique actually impresses me.

What does that say about me? I take pride in knowing that I am good. I take pride in having ability.

now, is this a limiting perspective? It may be. It may lead to me putting too much pressure on myself and then not getting done what needs to be done. Or it could do the exact opposite. Ok, enough of what it COULD do...what DOES it do? I am not sure.

May be that is just an old wya of thinking and now that I am changing, I am afraid of it. Perhaps there are things I'm still insecure about which is why I want to keep to that kind of thinking

time line/exploration of worlds

analogy- FF worlds or something similar is symbolic of my passions/art/interests. So how do I play the game? Do I complete each stage/world when I get there or do I do a little bit, go to some others and then come back?


lemme try to map out a little timeline of my life at the moment

martial arts- completed, revisited a little bit later on
music/guitar- not finished but mostly "leveled up," still need to complete my dream of touring and playing in bands and recording

fitness- currently leveling up. Still need to go further and become a personal trainer and one day compete in bodybuilding

dance- just started leveling up much more to go

family/significant others- only slightly explored



ma= martial arts
M= music
F= fitness
f= family
-= where I want to be to be completely satisfied
age 22 age 30 age 60
------------------------------------------------======================= 9 years
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM-----------------------
3 years
FFFFFFFFF---------------------------------------

<1 year
DDD---------------------------------------------

<1 year
ff----------------------------------------------

feeling special...forget the passions*** pt 2

Well at this point, all I wanna do is interact with people. I feel like that would make me happy as opposed to having all these hobbies and passions to pursue. I feel like those are trying to fill up a void of self importance and self worth but it really isn't working. What would interacting with people really accomplish and fulfill that about myself? Well I would certainly have a new sense of self worth. People would then give value to me instead of me trying to work hard and show how "special" I am.

I think I don't feel special and that's why I am pursuing all these crazy hobbies and passions. I want to feel special! How does one feel special? Well let me see what I think makes someone special to me.

It is not about doing XYZ and ABC. I don't care, you can do all the shit you want. That will not make me think you're special. Someone special to me would possess these qualities:
*actively cares for others
*does not blindly follow society
*Sticks to their morals
*Don't feel the need to prove themselves to other people
*interested in the lives of others
*does nice things for people


I seem to be using hobbies or activities to make me feel good about myself.



In response to that original post, I really just like when people are nice and go out of their way to make a difference in someone's life, even a small one by just talking to them. I like when they are active in hobbies or sports and have interests. I am at the point where I don't need to be doing these "super amazing dreams" in order to feel special. People interacting with me kindly makes me feel special.

Fun has been sucked out of everything

I don't wanna write about this shit anymore...I don't wanna think about it. May be guitar playing is done, at least for now. Perhaps I'll pick it up one day again. I hate to look at it as anything more than fun, it ruins it. I am getting a little sick of dancing, taking that shit way too seriously. Going to class/rehearsal 3 days a week just so I KNOW the choreo. Fuck that. I'd rather be learning new choreo. I mean I am getting ready for a performance, but damn it's just stressful and I get tired of freakin thinking about it all the time. Where's the fun in that? What's the point of doing shit in life if it isn't fun. If it doesn't bring me joy/fun how will I become happy? I made these passions into something way beyond that. A way to try and prove and connect myself with others. Hey! Look! I can play guitar too, and I am ten times better than you. Umm who the hell cares??? I sure don't. If people have difficulty all that means is that to make it easy they just gotta practice.

I wanna be good at things and I want to do things for the fun of it. I don't want to make work out of all these things because then they lose their magic. So how do I achieve this? Well, I do have to practice, but I don't have to pressure myself to practice. I don't have to be perfect, unless I want to be, and I don't want to be. What is the point in being perfect? Someone might say wow that's amazing! OK? and?

So you know what? I'm gonna drop everything until I learn how to make them fun or I realize that I don't want to do them anymore.

Feeling special...forget the passions***

Well at this point, all I wanna do is interact with people. I feel like that would make me happy as opposed to having all these hobbies and passions to pursue. I feel like those are trying to fill up a void of self importance and self worth but it really isn't working. What would interacting with people really accomplish and fulfill that about myself? Well I would certainly have a new sense of self worth. People would then give value to me instead of me trying to work hard and show how "special" I am.

I think I don't feel special and that's why I am pursuing all these crazy hobbies and passions. I want to feel special! How does one feel special? Well let me see what I think makes someone special to me.

It is not about doing XYZ and ABC. I don't care, you can do all the shit you want. That will not make me think you're special. Someone special to me would possess these qualities:
*actively cares for others
*does not blindly follow society
*Sticks to their morals
*Don't feel the need to prove themselves to other people
*interested in the lives of others
*does nice things for people


I seem to be using hobbies or activities to make me feel good about myself.

quitting, leaving some things behind?

I have excelled in:

martial arts- 7 years
guitar- 9 years
bodybuilding and fitness- 3 years
dancing <1year
singing <1year


I fully quit martial arts. I didn't really think twice about it. My interest in it dwindled and my parents allowed me to stop. Later on in life, I never regretted it. Sometimes I did feel like training though. Eventually I did it again for the fun of it. Perhaps my parents allowing me to quit messed me up a bit- in a sense. It made me realize that it is ok to quit things. It is ok, but is it what I want to do? May be, may be not, I was never conditioned to see things out through the end.

Guitaring has almost been quit and left behind. Sometimes I feel like it's a bad idea and sometimes I feel more at ease with it because I can focus on BBing or dancing a lot more. Sometimes it's nice to just not think about it and all the technical aspect of it. May be I will just keep going through different hobbies and what not. Is there only one time and place for everything?

How the hell do I juggle everything without getting stressed out or putting pressure on myself?

I don't feel like having any dreams...Off day?**

Ok, so right now I feel like I don't want to chase all my dreams and goals, and I just think whats the point, who cares? Why do I wanna be this top star or something super super amazing in what I do? Anyone can do it so does it really set me apart? no. Is this going to make me happy? I don't know. May be I should set my sights high but keep my goals short and sweet. I was talking to Frank and found out that he got a degree in electrical engineering, and he didn't even want to be a dancer/teacher, but it just happened

I can be a dancer, instructor, guitarist, martial artist, personal trianer, bodybuilder, powerlifter, but do I really want to be all those things? I feel sick of art. Even just listening to music again. I don't care about these bands that are out there. Ok, you made some cool songs and? What music used to do to me, it doesn't do anymore. Do I want to start focusing on academics now? Who knows. I don't care enough to try to impress people anymore. I can only definitely impress myself, and unless others know my whole story would they truly be impressed. And may be they wouldn't be because their story is ten times harder than me. Why Do I keep comparing myself to everyone, is that making me miserable? Maybe. I do admit I get jealous of other people and at least wanted to be where everyone else is at some point. I guess now that I am moving there I am not so sure I want to do that, because in reality it is not me or my perspective, it is them/theirs.

I still feel lost in this world. What do I want out of life?

How can I look up to you if I can't look up at you
This is my life and my body
when failure comes down hard
we need the best of love
but when we fail at something we shouldn't fail at
all we get is a fuck you

life is all about living and learning
improving to our satisfaction

All I wanna do is love
fuck the world and responsibilities
all work and no play makes me- oh wait
I love to work and I love to play
I love the world I'm here to stay

Im looking for the magic bullet
one way ticket so I say fuck it
to fame and glory- what we want
and baby then I'll have you all for me

but thats how you say


everybodys expectin me
everybodys timing me and stalking me
taunting me, pushing me

**Betrayal

I really dislike people who don't use integrity and who go back on their word. People who give things and then take em back. That is one of the themes I wish to write about.

mourning day

it seems the fall/winter season will always be a sad/depressing time. I wanna record the days in which I feel depressed/mournful to see if I can find a pattern and perhaps figure something out about it

Turning tables******

Well, it comes as a surprise to many people, the fact that I am exploring and liking pop music. Does it surprise me? Not really. Perhaps it is a little unexpected, but knowing about myself makes me realize that it makes sense. I am discovering everything I wanted to be a part of in my teenage years that I wasn't. Dance, pop music, rap, style, and a stronger grasp on culture in general. It's all slowly coming together. That doesn't mean that my previous beliefs and strongholds are going away, they are just as strong as they were, if not, stronger. If anything I am just adding more to my repertoire of life. With that beings said, I am getting SO many artistic ideas for myself. I realized I needed to expand my stylistic horizons so that if I get bored of one style, I can just focus on another one and not have to take some incredible downtime from it.

I am starting to become VERY inspired by pop/rnb music as well as folk. I want to be surrounded by many aspects of music and culture. There are things I like about everything, but if I focus only on one- it will becomes stale to me because nothing is perfect. So at the very least, having multiple things to focus on can help alleviate that realization. 2 of my biggest influences right now are Adele and Jessie J, and I am totally looking for more. One thing I like about pop music is that it has positive messages and vibes, despite a lot of sad love songs you hear, a lot of it seems to be about moving on, being yourself, and enjoying life- ideas that I strongly believe in.

So let me tell about my music ideas I am getting. I want to be a pop artist- to an extent. I don't want to be a pop artist on the top 10 billboards, but I want to play and write that kind of music. I do like fame and popularity, but I don't want it to be overwhelming. I more so want it to be an even balance. The avant garde and udnerground music I am into is on the exact opposite side of the spectrum, so exploring both sides of the spectrum will land me in the middle. I remember a while back I had been troubled about including multiple genres under one project/album, but a friend of mine told me that I should do it all on one and just be me. I almost completely agree with that now. After having heard Jessie J's album Who You Are, I noticed that she did incorporate quite a few different styles of music on it. I want to do something like that. As far as the pop style goes, I want to make some changes to how the style is played. I want more focus on instrumentals and ornamentation. I also want some darker parts- kind of like adele but with a darkish jazzy feel to it, as well as some ambient-esque parts. Once I get the money, I will start singing lessons and then will be ready to truly start writing pop-ish songs.

Anyway, along with this, I want to get Monolithic back together, and assuming Eston is on board with it, I will do it. Then my legacy will start establishing. I will be a dancer, bodybuilder, singer, musician, songwriter, and a diverse entity. I don't want to just be an artist that only a select few care about. I want to appeal to a lot of people- but not an extreme amount of people. That is why I want to do a lot of different things and be involved in a lot of different styles.

purpose/perfection ***

A most interesting thing is this desire for purpose, this thirst for perfection arises in mind once you stop having fun in life. Maybe that is what happened with guitar playing.

Played guitar the other day**

I played Ricky's guitar a couple days ago, and wow I can still play I wasn't expecting that, not after three months of not playing. One thing that was really apparent is that in order to play well, I have to put in the ENERGY to do so. That makes such a huge difference. I am realizing largely what I want to play. I don't want to play a tech death style. I just wanna play music that is powerful but also that you can lay back to. The first Monolithic song is a prime example. It doesn't have to be dark, it just has to be good and not over fluffed, and not over simplified. Just have some balance. I used to have all these crazy and creative ideas, like combining charles mingus, with metallica's S&M with technical death metal with ambience. But that really is not my goal. Sure those ideas would be INSANE, but I am not making music to show people how creative I can be. Anyone can think of these ideas. I just wanna make music that's simple and fun to play. Again, it really isn't that serious.

The less I think about goals the more focused I become? ********

It seems like spending time thinking about and being into different things other than music helps. It seems that not thinking about music helps too. I also can't constantly think about one art form because that starts to destroy it, however I must realize that this isn't a bad thing. It's hard to realize that by focusing on something else the other things will come into play. They are all synergistic. There are so many different things to do that reflect my moods, but I can not be 100 different moods at once/constantly. There are only certain times when I feel like doing x or y or z.

I have to balance things not only physically but mentally too. It's easy to just separate the physical aspects of activities but to stop thinking about them is harder. Thoughts wander effortlessly so they come and go easily and frequently. I am learning again that everything in my life is a balance. Well besides happiness:sadness- that's more like 85:15 ration. However, I like to do a lot, and then not do a lot. I have been very extreme about it in the past, and I think I am realizing I shouldn't be so extreme about it.

Realization: Energy********

It seems that if I focus and put the energy into an art I will get that back. FOr instance, if a band is OK and I am listening to them, I have to focus in order to "get into" the music. I can choose to get into it and enjoy it or sit back and not feel anything from it. I notice that it is harder to do the former when I am tired. As far as rating whether or not a band is a favorite or how much I like them; well the easier it is for me to get into the band, the more I like them. If I don't have to force myself to feel the music then I like them a lot and it is one of my favorites.

This is why I have a hard time writing music. It is very difficult to write something that will DRAW me in and keep me there. That is why I want to do some bands and don't want to do others. This is why I keep going back and forth between music/guitar- because I never quite realized this. I am also tired a LOT of the time from bodybuilding/powerlifting because that takes a lot of energy out of me. I have noticed that when I take caffeine I feel more focused and better about myself, goals, music, and art. I feel more accepting to things. May be that is saying that I should use caffeine a bit more liberally, but may be not. I would not like to b ecome dependent on it and feel that would be a bad thing to do, however I do not know what else to do to combat this tiredness. I guess the debate comes down to, if you are pushing your body passed its limits, should you use outside forces to keep maintaining it? Or should you just keep everything as natural as possible? Perhaps I should do the former while I can. I have the energy now to do all these things and maybe that's how I should invest my time and money- 110% full force.

I have the opportunity to tour for a few months with Psyche Corporation, a band my brother is playing for and while I initially said yes, today I have been second guessing that decision- partly because I am tired. I am tired and when I am tired it is hard to focus on the things that I want to do. Think about that. So if being tired makes it hard to focus I need to fix that. Bodybuilding makes me terribly tired, but I will not stop that- I can't because I love it so much. If that is the case, outside supplements such as caffeine may have to come into my life. Is that so bad of a decision? It doesn't have to be constant to the point where I develop a dependency. I find it hilarious how I am seriously debating whether or not using caffeine would be a smart choice when so many bbers out there are on steroids, GH and a whole lot of other drugs- yet caffeine to me is like the dark side! HAH!



So my problem is that bodybuilding makes me very tired, but I can't stop doing it. Thus, when I am tired it is hard to focus on my arts and goals. Liking art is all about focusing on it and putting energy into that. How can I do that if I am tired all of the time? Well simply put, I can't unless I want to be miserable while doing it. So, how will I solve this issue, what solutions do I have?

Well I want to not be as tired and have the energy to pursue music, dance, and bodybuilding, as well as some sort of career. I want to stay healthy. So the only real solution I see at the moment is to lighten up on bodybuilding or to use energy boosters. How else can I achieve not being tired?




How did I realize this? Well today at work I had been thinking about Psyche Corporation and if I really wanted to play shows. I immediately started thinking that I don't want to play guitar anymore. Not recreationally. However, at the very least -playing guitar is a useful skill because it can be used as a gateway to other opportunities like meeting new people or networking and telling people of my passions. I am also going to use this as a gateway to ask Gen if I can be a dance performer for the band. Of course before I do that I will have to hone my dance skills quite a bit, and may be this will be my first real choreographic work that I wil do and have something to show. It will also most likely be my first performance piece- which is funny because not long ago I was saying how one of my goals is to perform dance later this year/early next year and I didn't think that was so likely to happen, but I now see a huge possibility in it....but why? Anyway, I digress. After I thought that I had not wanted to play guitar I just decided to listen to two songs I need to learn- just for the hell of it, and I'm like ok these are ok- whatever. But then I thought, well what about all the times when I would get excited about music and I would be really into it and the music would make me move? I pretended for a moment that I was not tired at all- that was a big factor as I am EXTREMELY tired today because my whole upper body has been sore for days. So anyway, I psyched myself up slightly and started moving to the musiv a little bit, or at least got the urge to. I am at work so it is hard to just bust a move without getting in trouble HAHA. And then that's when I realized "hey this could actually work and may be it wouldn't be so bad after all." Then I started thinking about how it used to be my dream to get on stage and perform music- and I have done that, however, not with a full band. I think I am finally done!

Misunderstood, interpreting my feelings

Wow ok, so this whole state of confusion I was in was a long journey/phase in and of itself. I have learned quite a lot and I realized that playing guitar is my true calling. I know where I want to be technique-wise and playing/creativity-wise, and have always known that. I also have started developing a fresh and honest approach/perspective about the kind of music I want to be involved in and what I want my main goal to be focused on it. Watching the new HF demo videos of only Eston and one guitarist also gave me some insight. Simply put, I want to front a band that is a mixture of Anthromorphic, Monolithic, and Metallica. This in essence encompasses all of my influences in music. Each project stands strong on their own and is very much developed. They are all technical in their own ways but also very strong in the song writing. The tricky part is combining everything. The level I want to be at is improvising on stage at every/any show but having the rest of the band keeping the structure of it all. I feel as though this may actually be realistic because, not to get ahead of myself or go on a massive ego trip, but from what I have seen most people can not improvise at such a high level as I know I can and will achieve. While I love the technicality of interesting technical death metal, and the spacey ambient sounds that are associated with bands like WITTR I also love melodic/catchy/strong songs that Metallica plays. More often than not, technique and ambience tend to leave no room for "real" songs. If I can successfully blend these three things together I feel as thought I will have the ultimate band.


So I have learned that I MUST be patient with myself. I am learning a whole new meaning to the word patient, especially when it comes to goals and developing as a person. Yes it is good to push yourself above and beyond, but too much is too much. I am glad that I have gotten used to a strong work ethic and decent level of standard. Which brings me to my next point, holding too high standards is detrimental. The only standard that should ever be is to constantly get better and out-do yourself. If you are accomplishing that then you will eventually reach your best. If you try to do that too fast, then all you are doing is rushing and not giving things the room to come to fruition. These are the two mistakes I have made in the past and I have finally come to realize the severity of them as well as the repercussions they produce.

One last thing I have realized is that I do not need to second-guess myself usually. If I trusted myself in the first place and just said I needed a break from guitar, then I would not have encountered the confusion in this phase. But alas my energy had been diverted from the task at hand. I have learned to distinguish between needing to take time off and being uninspired as well. Both are two very different things. I can practice and force myself to do things when I am not inspired to do them, however, doing these things while NEEDING a break is a different story. Over-training is never a good idea.

Finally ok with where my life is heading?

Behavioral patters. What I'm noticing with myself is that I achieve a high level of expertise in something and then I move on to something new/ I think I am finally ok with that. I have always wanted to be involved in a lot of hobbies and now I realized that I can be. However, to keep everything consistent would be too much for anyone to really manage and I think that's why when I find something new, the old starts to dwindle. I don't think it's necessarily that I lose interest but more so that I lose the ability to properly manage it to the best of my ability. I think it'd be great to have a list of passions/accomplishments that I've done. May be this is really what I've been looking for.

So what have I got?

Martial arts- 6+ years
writing- 5+ years
Guitar/music- 9+ years

Bodybuilding- 2+ years
Dancing- 0+ years


Now that I look at it, I have been involved with something all my life and will probably until the day I die.